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My parents.

(7 Posts)
Unreasonablebetty Tue 22-Dec-15 11:46:27

I'm never entirely sure whether I deal with things the right way, I've got a personality disorder that often skews my view of things so I want to check whether I've been U in any way. I don't think so but I'm anxious that maybe I have been.

So, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Really really dysfunctional, and as I've grown older I've realised just how abusive my childhood really was, all of us children are emotionally fucked up to different degrees, and I ended up having to do things as a child, I shouldn't have had to do for my sisters. my sisters all had behavioural issues and from the age of 8 I was left taking care of them.
in sorry to be long winded, but our childhood was really quite bad, but I didn't even realise until I was 19/20 how bad it really was.
So anyway, since that point I've been largely nc with my parents.
The further my life gets from them, the worse they'd treat me and would do things like have family gatherings I wouldn't be invited to.

so anyway, I ended up going NC with them all for differing reasons, but they're all quite wrapped up in themselves, but my DD enjoyed seeing them so she carried on having a relationship with them.
I'd often let her go for dinner one evening and every few weeks she would have a Friday night at theirs when they could be bothered.

For a long time we had thought maybe it wasn't great for her to go, because she came back stinking of fags (not that she had been smoking at 7!!)
She would gorge on food the whole time she was there, and they refused to not feed her all the shit they could get their hands on. "She's my granddaughter I'll feed her what I like" "it's cruel not to"- whilst Handing her a bowl with biscuits, sausage roll, cheese crisps and a bar of chocolate as a snack

And when she would stay she would come back unwashed, hair unbrushed and bag full of sweets.

So anyway. I get married, they aren't invited and the one sister who was invited left halfway through the wedding. i was the devil incarnate because I termed someone as my adoptive mother to a friend who wanted to know why this woman was acting like she was my mum (this woman has been amazing, really been there for me. Helped me realise what a mother actually is) and then because she didn't have a flower wand like the children. She felt left out. So left.

So the next day they were meant to see DD,
I text and told them I was on my way, was I to drop DD off or did they want to pick her up.
No reply. So we wait. Still nothing.
That weekend I text and ask when they want to see DD. no reply.

At this point my new husband says, they've messed her about the past few months, hardly surprising they don't wanna see her now. They've had their chance.

I gave it 8 weeks before I finally decided that I would no longer facilitate a relationship if they decided they wanted to see her again, because my poor little girl was in tears every few days over that 8 weeks. She really really missed them, but I couldn't get them to see her if they didn't want to.

I can understand that they might be angry that they were no longer welcome at my wedding, but they weren't welcome because of our relationship. It had nothing to do with their relationship with DD. they shouldn't have punished her by not seeing her because of me. The same as I think they are shitty parents, and quite shitty grandparents but there was a relationship there that i wouldn't have stopped because of my dislike for them, despite the fact there were things I wasn't happy with.

Now they've sent her a Christmas card saying how much they miss her and they hope to see her soon.

I feel like they've been complete arseholes to DD by disappearing on her, and then deciding they now miss her and want to see her, and I believe there's an implication that it's me who's stopped them.

I don't think I have. I didn't tell them I would no longer facilitate a relationship between them.
I decided after 8 weeks of silence from them.

I've no idea if I've been U and made their relationship break down.
I feel so confused. It's hurt me that they don't have a relationship anymore, even if I do believe it's probably for the best for DD.

Please someone tell me I've not stopped them from seeing her, because I don't feel I have. But their card made me feel like it was all my fault.

Frusso Tue 22-Dec-15 11:52:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badders123 Tue 22-Dec-15 12:04:57

I think you need to protect your dd from these people

Unreasonablebetty Tue 22-Dec-15 12:22:59

Thanks both, that's what my husband thinks, I feel that's what I should do, just became unsure because of the card. Really made me feel like the bad one.
Dd says she knows they didn't come to get her and she doesn't want to see them and the cards made it to the bin.

Badders123 Tue 22-Dec-15 12:23:43

Do visit the stately homes thread.
Very helpful.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 22-Dec-15 12:29:09

I think you were being very considerate in letting them have a relationship despite your concerns, now though I think they have blown it by causing emotional distress to your child.

Sorry but I would not give them the opportunity to do it again.

NC is the way to go. They took their anguish over your wedding out on her.

Notagainmun Tue 22-Dec-15 12:36:59

I would keep your CD away from them. They cannot be trusted not to emotionally abuse her in the coming year like they they did to you. Your DH sounds like he has the right idea.

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