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Angry w dh for doing own thing, never agreeing

(14 Posts)
Movingonmymind Mon 21-Dec-15 20:08:56

So we'd bought, sort of together ALL dc's presents. But now he's spent a further £100 of our £ on dc2 despite me saying no, wasnt keen as dc2 already had enough and was unfair on dc1. Also have huge online family shop arriving tomorrow w turkey etc. So will fill fridge. He decides today to go bargain hunting in lidl- random purchases, nothing we needed- and has come back with loads of bags and filled up said fridge! He thinks iabu as am angry and heartily sick of a) his bloodyminded selfishness, however well-meant and b) his utter failure to consider all the work/planning/cooking/shopping I've put into Christmas. Feel a real mug. On the one hand, he can't really be bothered to plan or muck in but on the other, he accuses me of bring a control freak for organising things ahead of time. Doesn't help that he has low EQ imho so our arguments are me "being nasty again" or me "nagging him", apparently, always ALL my fault. He never accepts any responsibility or says normal adult accommodating things such as "i didnt realise, you had it all planned, can see why you're a bit upset" etc. So AM ibu?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 21-Dec-15 20:15:52

No yanbu but I can see how this could create massive issues in your household.

Why not use this as a stepping off point for a reasonable conversation about how you'd like your household to be more organised in 2016 so that things like that don't happen. You'll be more open about what needs done and what you're dealing with and in return your DH can pick up some of what's needing done.

Feeling like youre living with a control freak can't be nice for him, and again living with someone not pulling their weight not good for you. Compromise is required.

Movingonmymind Mon 21-Dec-15 20:21:29

I agree, we should compromise but he won't talk. He just says it's all me, i am nasty, controlling etc. He cannot ever look at himself, never has. Tbh have had enough. Toxic atmosphere and i can't change t by myself

Movingonmymind Mon 21-Dec-15 20:41:12

And yes, massive issues. We're poles apartsad. He still expects his clean laundry and homemade food though...

whois Mon 21-Dec-15 20:45:16

He doesn't sound like a very nice person to love with if it is always your fault :-(

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Mon 21-Dec-15 20:50:04

Leave ALL the unpacking of the groceries to him - let him work out where it is all to go. Don't help him at all, or even offer suggestions.

Maybe, when he actually sees the problems his thoughtless shopping have caused - when he has actually had to deal with them - he will realise why you needed to be organised about this.

Movingonmymind Mon 21-Dec-15 20:51:15

Thatd ehat i feel. Hr cones over as Mr Easy going to others but privately he will not give way on anything ever, stubborn beyond believe. He says i have hardened him that way, i am difficult etc. Our dynamic always been that way but previously I used to accept it(childhod dynamic so felt familiar) and he 'helped' me but now bit more feisty and aware am only responsible for my own behaviour not others. He has some big issues and no friends. I am dealing with my issues and have some friends so think maybe i'm doing okay.

Movingonmymind Mon 21-Dec-15 20:52:24

Belief! Sorry for many typos

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 21-Dec-15 20:53:14

The fact that he has no friends is also quite a good indicator.

Why do you stay with him if he puts you down and treats you poorly?

Movingonmymind Mon 21-Dec-15 20:58:28

Fair question. Am working up to getting sorted/strong enough to ve able to leave if i choise. All complicated and dc been through so much change. And tbh i don't expect much any more - not v happy childhood so provably too accepting of bad situations

AutumnLeavesArePretty Mon 21-Dec-15 21:16:31

How much of a say did he have in the original presents and food?

Buying some food and presents of his own choosing isn't that bad. Lots of posts on here saying men don't get involved so they obviously can't win.

ohtheholidays Mon 21-Dec-15 21:17:37

Moving I was the same really bad childhood everything always my thought and that was heavily reflected in the first man I married.

My ex husband sounds very much like your husband,it took me years to realize I wasn't actually the problem at all,me having such low expectations and such low self esteem was the problem,it ment I put up with far to much crap for far to long.I managed to make him leave and I'm so glad I did,we had 2DC they were 4 and 2at the time.I've remarried and my husband is as far away as possible from what my first husband was like and our lifes together and those of our 5DC are so much happier than any life I'd had before.My DH is Dad to all 5 of our DC,he's adopted my children that I already had,his and the DC decision.He'd never let them down and he never lets me down.

You sound really lovely and thoroughly fed up OP,I hope you find the strength to start putting yourself first and start realizing that you and your DC are worth so much more. flowers

Bakeoffcake Mon 21-Dec-15 21:30:01

It sounds like there are more problems than just the organisation of christmassad

My dh has always annoyed me a bit by having very little input into presents and food then at the last minute going out and buying lots of extra stuff. I'd leave him to wrap the presents and organise/store the food etc. himself.
I do think your H should be able to buy things if he wants to BUT to spend an extra £100 on one child is really thoughtless and ridiculous.

Movingonmymind Mon 21-Dec-15 21:35:12

Thanks, Oh, glad it's worked out for you smile My dc much older, fear worse therefore to leave.,,
Dh had full say in what we got dc- but little interest until yesterday to be frank. I'd ordered what we'd agreed snd he was always "too busy" to look at stuff as it came in. It's the issue of equity also, dc1 has substantially less now than dc2, rificulous and unfair yet we've already spent more than we'd agreed/can afford on them.

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