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AIBU?

Regarding roles and responsibilities

95 replies

limon · 20/12/2015 21:18

I'm a ft worker outside the home in a stressful job but earning good money.DH is a sahp but woh one day per week and does a bit of freelance work.

I am feEling thoroughly overwhelmed, stressed and sick and tired of having to think about so much.

My DH seems to be of the opinion that as he shops and cooks (he won't let me cook) and looks after our child he's some kind of hero.

He asks me regularly when I come back from work what i want for tea and last week had a real go at me saying g he needs help meal planning. I suggested we sit down together on a Sunday evening and do a weeks meal planning together. We've just tried and he's told me I've bombarded him and he's faffed about , not thinking about what to eat what days but co.ing up with "we could have xyz one night" type comments. He bombards me regularly.

Hes also never ever cleaned the bathroom and thinks cleaning is just surface cleaning. Our child is at school two hours per day yet I regularly do the proper cleaning on weekends.

He chose this set up - I'm the higher earner of the two of us.

He said today "I'm no housewife I'm not good at it" and I said "I'd love to be a housewife for a bit" to which her said "we'll you chose a husband who can't earn a good living". ie it's yet again my fault.

If it weren't for me we would be living g in a shit tip.

I feel utterly depressed. All we've done today is argue. I just want him to pull his weight.

OP posts:

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LaurieFairyCake · 20/12/2015 21:23

If your kid is young and only out the house 2 hrs a day then no, he doesn't have to clean - it's a stay at home parent and not cleaner.

Either do the chores together at weekends or hire someone.

You are both entities to equal leisure time so divide it up.

OTheHugeManatee · 20/12/2015 21:23

He might be a lazy twat.

Or he might need a bit of support. Men are socialised to do the role you have, women are socialised to do the shitwork. It might take a bit of time for him to grasp that he needs to do the shitwork too as part of his role. Equally meal planning is a process that can be learned but he may not have learned it; he might need walking through it a few times till he gets the idea.

Or he might just be a lazy twat. But I would try the 'needs support' route first.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 20/12/2015 21:24

I hear you OP. My DH works FT but I'm significantly the higher earner, and even though he pulls his weight I hate the imbalance - DH hasn't so much as enquirer about a new job in the six years since DD was born, though that was always the plan. This means that life is always frantic and I often feel resentful that I can't be there at special things the DCs are involved in and that DH has no inclination for.

I definitely wouldn't put up with your situation. What is it that prevents your DH pulling his financial weight more?

OTheHugeManatee · 20/12/2015 21:28

You could try finding him links on how to do meal planning? There's loads of Internet stuff out there on how to do it. Unless he's find that ridiculously patronising.

limon · 20/12/2015 21:30

Wow Laurie. Really? He gets at least one wekend day off per week. I don't. I do ALL the proper cleaning. How come he gets to have ten hours free time a week?He has elected to be a "house husband" as he puts it.

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limon · 20/12/2015 21:33

Jennifer - he earns just over minimum wage. It would be pointless putting our daughter in nursery so he could earn min wage and I can't go part time.

When decided to try for a baby it was always the plan that he'd be a "house husband" (his term) and I'd be the breadwinner. It wasn't in our plan that I'd do all the cleaning.

PS I'm not keen on hiring a cleaner - we are saving and he has elected to be a "house husband"

OP posts:

witsender · 20/12/2015 21:39

Well, he doesn't have much child free time during the week does he...is your child an amenable type when it comes to following him around while he cleans? Cause mine would have struggled.

witsender · 20/12/2015 21:43

Lots of sahp have cleaners, if child is only at school 2 hrs a week and he works a day a week that isn't masses of kicking around.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/12/2015 21:43

Ten hours free time ?

Does that include the driving back from school, getting a poo alone, having a cup of tea, then driving back

No, you both need a weekend day free. All chores at weekends should be divvied up.

Get food delivered? Quiche, ready made potato/carrot/swede mash and ready made cabbage/beetroot is a meal we eat at least once a week - yes, it's a ready meal but it's just veg and no preservatives (ocado). Or make a lasagne on Sunday and eat that for 3 days, just having extra veg on the side.

And I would definitely get a cleaner.

CorydonFrills · 20/12/2015 21:44

He provides childcare.
You provide family income.
Housework should be shared at the weekend, with each of you getting the same amount of leisure time.

teacher54321 · 20/12/2015 21:47

If he did some cleaning during some of his two hours free per day you would all benefit. My dh works shifts so is often around during the day whilst Ds is at school and I'm at work. He does more of the house sorting and organising than me because he gets that child free time at home that I never get as Ds goes to school with me. He does all the cooking. We both hate cleaning so when I went full time this year we got a cleaner. Online shopping helps. As do lists.

limon · 20/12/2015 21:47

so what happens with his two hours per day that our daughter isn't with him (yes its two full hours child free)? our child is fine ti entertain herself enough for him to do some cleaning. Are people saying its fine for me to work full time outside the home and do all the cleaning? He treats weekends as his time off as I'm around d to look after our child. when would we ever have any family time if we each took a weekend day off?

OP posts:

limon · 20/12/2015 21:49

If he even did half an hour a day it would help.

We take it in turns to do bed time - on his night I clean and tidy, on my night he doesn't.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2015 21:49

It sounds like there is imbalance in how much time off you both have. How has be ended up with a weekend day 'free'?

I didn't do the deep cleaning when I was a SAHP. DD was very busy and we had to be out all day. No time for anything else but her! The ten hours free really is getting there and back and a 'lunch hour'. The weekend day is less fair.

limon · 20/12/2015 21:51

Ordering shopping delivery is a real waste of money imho.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2015 21:51

There is a whiff of supervising the staff about your posts.

teacher54321 · 20/12/2015 21:52

I totally disagree with the 'weekend day off each' thing. How do you ever spend any time together?!

witsender · 20/12/2015 21:53

Weekend time bit is unfair, but I don't think you are necessarily being fair on the weekdays. I would hire a cleaner for a few hours a week to do the big jobs/deep cleans. Suggest he sets up an online shop.

witsender · 20/12/2015 21:55

If DH had told me that I wasn't allowed to online shop as it was a waste of money while simultaneously criticising my planning skills I would have flipped.

limon · 20/12/2015 21:55

Not at all Mrspratchett. I just don't want to be lumbered with all the crap jobs - cleaning up gunk and poo and old food and so on. There's not an equal division of labour here. I don't see how it's fair that I do all that and he does none of it.

I see us as a partnership. I'd gladly swap roles but like I say he has chosen this and won't entertain taking a cut in family income and finding a job outside the home.

OP posts:

teacher54321 · 20/12/2015 21:55

My dh hates food shopping for more than one meal at a time (no idea why) so I now meal plan and order all the food online for the week. Takes 1/2 an hour.

PresidentUnderwood · 20/12/2015 21:57

Get a cleaner, menu plan together, have a look for some 'cool' type places to fill your feeder and work in your marriage.

I've been there and trust me, they don't change and you will burn yourself out

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limon · 20/12/2015 21:57

I'm not talking about deep cleaning here I'm talking g about the basics. DH has never cleaned a toilet. I do it or it doesn't get done.

OP posts:

witsender · 20/12/2015 21:59

And it doesn't have to be expensive anyway. It sounds like you need to make peace with the choices you have made together. You resent him for being at home, and expect him to do it exactly how you would.

7Days · 20/12/2015 22:02

Well hang on, he gets two hours off a day. I assume you get an hour for lunch at work. Or at least, you should do.* So yeah, fair is fair, he should take an hour to chill and the other hour to get stuff done.

*Not his fault if you don't and no need to race to the bottom.

One day off at the weekend is a bit much imo. A few hours each to pursue hobbies or whatever. We have a sleep in each at the weekend. I say this as a PT worker, who does most of the wifework stuff.

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