To go NC with my mother

[LucyOfTheLake]

Hi, long time lurker but first time poster, etc! I was hoping to gain some opinion on something that is messing with my head! It might end up being quite long so I apologise, I just didn't want to leave something important out.

Basically, I have two younger sisters (twins, though that may be irrelevant, I'll call one E, and the other C) and throughout our lives, my father has ensured that none of us felt good enough. We've all been told that we're ugly, fat, stupid and it's been made clear that he doesn't deem us good enough. Alongside this, there have been aspects of violence. Started out as smacks when we were younger but as we grew, and gained a voice and an opinion, it escalated further. I was threatened with a knife for saying that I didn't want to go to a wedding while C was threatened with his fists for other offences. Throughout this, my mother has always stuck up for him, blaming his childhood for his lack of fatherly love for us and, generally, playing us off against each other, slagging him off to us when she'd had an argument with him and vice versa.

This began to escalate further when E gained a boyfriend and my parents disliked him. After she moved out with him, my other sister and I had an argument with my mother over her treatment of E. This dragged on for 2 weeks with my mother ignoring both of us. It culminated in a fight between the four of us, which ended when my father shoved me repeatedly across a room before kicking the door at me before hitting and kicking C. After that, C and I left, stayed at E's for 3 weeks before finding a flat to rent and moving in together.

During this time, C and I got back in contact with my mother and had a somewhat strained relationship. Another argument ensued and my mother tole us that we were lying about what had happened on the night that we moved out. After this, we apologised for what we had said but heard nothing back so remained NC for 6 months.

We've not got back in contact with her, but things remain the same. My mother is keen to try and force us into a relationship with my father, despite being told that we're not interested in that and that we feel better for it. The final straw has come today, after swapping Christmas gifts, upon which we were told that our usual gifts have been halved as my father doesn't wish to give anything to us as we have not treated him like a father. The gifts are by the by. I just feel that this is a petty action, designed to force us into doing something that we don't wish to do. Regardless of this, any meeting with our mother results in days of hurt and upset as she continues to treat us like children and never acknowledge the events of the past year.

So, finally, I guess C and I have decided that, in order to protect ourselves, we need to go NC and focus on our lives and rebuilding our self esteem. Is this unreasonable of us?

[Newbrummie]

No

[OhForCodsHake]

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

[Snowglobe1]

I roll my eyes at the frequency with which 'go NC!' is bandied around on here, but in this case I think it sounds like the best plan. Wrest control away from them and enjoy a bit of peace!

[EponasWildDaughter]

Basically, I have two younger sisters (twins, though that may be irrelevant, I'll call one E, and the other C) and throughout our lives, my father has ensured that none of us felt good enough. We've all been told that we're ugly, fat, stupid and it's been made clear that he doesn't deem us good enough. Alongside this, there have been aspects of violence. Started out as smacks when we were younger but as we grew, and gained a voice and an opinion, it escalated further. I was threatened with a knife for saying that I didn't want to go to a wedding while C was threatened with his fists for other offences. Throughout this, my mother has always stuck up for him.

I've only read this far and already know my answer.

YANBU

[dontpokethebear]

This must be so awful for you all op. Do you actually gain anything positive from having contact/relationship with your mother? What is Es current position?

[Leelu6]

Hang on - he was physically violent to you and your sister and yet you apologised for what you said?!

I would have called the police. No doubt about it. Your father got off lightly.

Please do go NC, with both parents.

Sorry you have had to go through so much

[LucyOfTheLake]

Thanks everyone. I think that sometimes we feel like going NC is too far and we feel bad for it so it helps that other people seem to agree with us.

bear, I don't believe that we do gain anything from having a relationship with her. I feel that we try so hard in between seeing her to try and feel ok about ourselves then we see her and we end up back to square one feeling worthless again. At the moment E has a relationship with both parents and tells us that she refuses to get involved. I think that what she actually does is tell my mother everything that we're doing, making things a lot easier for her as she knows we're ok. E also seems to tel both parties things that are being said and done, resulting in more arguments and more hurt.

Leelu, we apologised to my mother for things that had been said to her, although this was never acknowledged. We did originally call the police but I think we both wanted an easy life so ended up downplaying what had happened. At the time, we wanted a relationship with my mother so involving the police seemed to go against this.

Thanks again, everyone.

[Newbrummie]

It's really hard for anyone who has a loving family to even comprehend what some "mothers and fathers" are like. I think it's a brave deceision but just don't do what I have done over and over again and go back for more. Draw a line and print this off and when they catch you at a low ebb which they will, remind yourself of this and why you've gone NC.

[paulapompom]

God no, You are so NOT being unreasonable. That is unacceptable behaviour by both parents. Violence, meanness, petty point scoring, emotional abuse, I feel for you all and glad at least you have your sisters and they have you. for you all xxx

[coconutpie]

Go NC. And you should have called the police when your father physically assaulted you.

[coconutpie]

By the way, your mother is just as horrid and vile as your father is - she sticks by him when he assaults their children. She is just as nasty as he is.