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To want to do stuff without my son?

(25 Posts)
ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 20-Dec-15 18:26:16

He is 6, and he is cheeky. He has become cheekier in the past few months and it's really grating on me.

We go out as a family and there will be numerous times during the day were he will play up, be cheeky or wind his sister(2) up.

Sometimes, I just want to go home, or wish I hadn't bothered. I have even been known to wait until he's in school, and then go off to have a nice day out with dd!

Please tell me this is a phase!

NickiFury Sun 20-Dec-15 18:36:02

It won't be a "phase" if you carry on with that attitude towards him. He will sense your resentment and play up even more.

I think it's the purposeful waiting to have a nice day without him that bothers me about your post. We all do things while our kids are at school because it's easier with younger children or the activities are more appropriate for them but to purposely have him miss out on treats is mean.

FaFoutis Sun 20-Dec-15 18:36:43

YANBU to feel like that, but it won't improve things if you leave him out. He will notice.

They have phases, sometimes to do with hormones. If they are anything like my DC it will be your DD you want to leave at home before long, while your DS turns into an angel.

RubbleBubble00 Sun 20-Dec-15 18:42:28

My eldest is yr2 and cheekiness is ramping up. I admit I love spending the morning with my youngest dc (2) while others at school as it's much more peaceful. However I try to connect with him daily. Once all other dc in bed we play a game then I read to him. Iv found it really helps even if we have had a shocking day and finishes in a nice note

ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 20-Dec-15 19:01:28

I know it's awful!

He's currently laying on the sofa, snuggled up to his dad. He can be lovely, and sweet.

He just seems to be getting progressively cheekier and defiant. He used to have his moments, but they're becoming more regular, and it's hard work!

I want to spend nice days with him, doing stuff, but it just feels like a battle alot of the time :/

AbeSaidYes Sun 20-Dec-15 19:05:27

It's not hormones, that's been debunked hasn't it?
Have you tried spending more time with just him?

GingerIvy Sun 20-Dec-15 19:11:37

It can be a battle, but one thing to try is to look out for times when he is behaving well and make an effort to praise him. Every time he is behaving well, encourage and praise that. My 6yo responds much better to that than waiting until he's being awful and trying to lay down the law at that point.

ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 20-Dec-15 19:43:06

I do read with him every night, and sleep with him. We play every day too.

ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 20-Dec-15 19:48:42

I've always parented in a gentle, respectful way. I would never speak to him in a way that I wouldn't like to be spoken. I ask him to do things and give explainations rather than jusr assert authority or power. It has worked well and we have a great respectful relationship.
On occasion I've had to count to 5 to get him to do something (like put school shoes on). We have a great relationship. Do I'm nit sure where this defiance is coming from!
I will ask him to do something, like stop climbing on the sofa back at grandmas house and he will just sit there blankly saying no, no, no over and over completely ignoring me!
When he does it outside or in front of people it's embarassing as I feel like I've lost control!

ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 20-Dec-15 19:53:05

We had a day just him, me and dh today. Dd stayed with gp as we're visiting them.
We had a great day, took him somewhere he loves to go. But he still became really cheeky at times!
I struggle personally to get one on one time with him as dh works away, 3weeks on 3weeks off. When he's home we spend a lot of time together, or dh & ds do as dh wants to see ds, but he's in school so it's only the weekends they get a good chunk of time together.

Artandco Sun 20-Dec-15 20:00:04

I think you need to stop what you are doing when he is cheeky, and sit him down to explain what he's just done and whether he thinks it's acceptable. Ask how he's going to reply next time etc.. Tedious for a few weeks but should really clamp down on unwanted behaviour

ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 20-Dec-15 20:09:07

Thanks artandco sounds like a goid strategy smile will give it a go.
I really do love spending time with him. When he's being nice!

TimeToMuskUp Sun 20-Dec-15 20:17:07

In his defence he's 6 years old and not a fully-formed person yet, so isn't likely to always be nice or compliant or accommodating. It sounds very much as though he's learning a bit of free will and behaving a little daft like most 6 year olds, and I'd try hard to do as Ginger says and praise everything that is good rather than focussing on the negative. You can't decide to not spend time with him because he plays you up; love, time and energy for your children shouldn't be dependent on their behaviour.

We have a huge Kilner jar in the kitchen and whoever I see anything lovely from the DCs I write it down on a post-it, share it with them, date it and pop it in there. They love their jar and regularly go through and re-read their achievements (and it can be something as tiny as holding a door for someone, sharing toys without prompts, anything positive you can think of to begin with to convince them that you're going to notice their loveliness). It works incredibly well for the 10 year old as well as the 4 year old. And saves me focussing on their less-than-savoury moments.

Conundrumparpapumpum Sun 20-Dec-15 20:22:50

Sounds like my Ds, who is also 4 yrs older than his next sibling. I think that being the eldest is hard, especially when the younger one starts to be old enough to compete for the same/ similar things.

Ds went through a really tricky stage around 6-7 but is coming out of it a bit now at 8.

What has helped us is setting consistent boundaries with clear explanations of expected behaviour and consequences when boundaries are crossed.

Also Lots of praise, especially when the opposite behaviour to the problem behaviour is shown, ie. Praising when he does listen to and comply with a request. As much one to one time as possible. Which is not always a lot but it all helps.

If you can, while letting him know it's unacceptable try not to let him know how cross it makes you. That is hard.

Narp Sun 20-Dec-15 20:23:54

Both of mine had a phase at 6. I was talking about it the other day and recalling that one of them spat at me once shock. We also used to get language like 'loser' and general backchat.

Bear with it. He's trying to exert a bit of power and he's experimenting with pushing you. Don't worry that he's becoming a thug (I did). Just try not to rise to it - calm and firm, and ignore when you can. He is still such a little boy - albeit one with a voice that he is trying to use to his advantage.

Scarydinosaurs Sun 20-Dec-15 20:27:20

What is 'cheeky' though?

Is he rough? Rude? Insulting? Demanding?

Do you sanction him immediately? Can you predict when it's going to happen and avoid it?

ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 20-Dec-15 20:29:56

Thanks timeto love the idea of the jar smile
I know his behaviour shouldn't be affecting me spending time with him, and normally it wouldn't bother me too much and we'd just get on with our day. But recently I seem to have little patience for both of my children.... My 2yr old is very demanding! And this change in ds behaviour has thrown me.

ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 20-Dec-15 20:35:58

scary He's not rough or physical. He's back chatting, ignoring requests, saying no alot when asked to do something, over excited and running off lots although not in a fleeing way, were I'd worry I'd lose him. Lots of back chat!
I don't shout at him, but have recently started giving him consequences, such as no pudding/tv but not really seeing a difference. He feels uncontrolable to me when we're out. But to others he probably doesn't seem that bad.

ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 20-Dec-15 20:37:48

I feel like I lose control when I request something and he just says no! I then stand there wondering what to do next, and if I'm with other people I probably look like I'm doing a shit job!

Conundrumparpapumpum Sun 20-Dec-15 20:50:14

I completely empathise about losing control when my do say no. And standing there not knowing what to do next. I find it helps to not think everything has to be dealt with then and there iyswim. If it's safe to do so, obv not with running away, it is ok to say xx behaviour is not acceptable, there will be a consequence and we'll talk about it later. Then you have time to reflect and hopefully come up with a 'natural' consequence so that it feels linked and relevant to him. thanks

Conundrumparpapumpum Sun 20-Dec-15 20:50:40

Dc, not do <sigh>

Conundrumparpapumpum Sun 20-Dec-15 20:53:28

It is really hard when dc are demanding and a bit naughty, especially when you have them alone. You sound a bit down, is your dh working away? Is there anyone else who can help you during the 3 wks he's away, do that you can re-charge? Also, does he ever take both dc so you can have a break? brewcake

Conundrumparpapumpum Sun 20-Dec-15 20:54:04

So that, not 'do that'

ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 20-Dec-15 21:01:39

Thanks conundrum I do struggle with what to do as a consequence and tend to brush anything I've said off as a heat of the moment thing. Maybe he's cottoned on that he doesn'nt get a comsequence, but tbf he's generally good kid, and I've never really needed them. It's just in the past 2 months his behaviours changed.
We moved away from family & close friends a yr ago, for work. I have made some new friends but the realtionship isn't close enough to be at the stage were we look after eachother's children. My ds does go in playdates after school thougj. But mainly it's me and dc when dh is away. He's fab when he's here and understands that both dc seem to be going through demanding phases atm and he does take them out, so I get a chance to recharge!

Nataleejah Sun 20-Dec-15 21:19:11

Its not unreasonable to spend time with children separately so that they sometimes have you just for themselves

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