angry by sister(12 Posts)
compressed backstory- Big age gap between self and sister and fact she could not have children meant her trying to mock parent me (really the neighbors thought she was mums lesbian partner at one point). She came to parents evenings, got angry when I was very little and didn't want to stay at her house at weekends once she moved out, pretended we were mother and daughter when shopping. Fast forward to my teen years, she started treating me differently and often falling out with me (physiologists think its because I no longer had the hero worship thing and was not independent) she also began bad mouthing our single mother when I went to stay- 'she treats you much better than me, think yourself lucky, she always was at work or in the pub when I was growing up, granny parented me' = obvious jealousy that mum had more time to spare when I was little (and less money because of the different job however). I feel my sister constantly be-littles my problems, achievements etc- when I was bullied = she was bullied worse, when I was self harming= she had schizophrenia which isn't 'self inflicted/indulgent. Fast forward again (sorry for compressing so much) and she has a baby- a miracle as she was told she couldn't have kids, prior to birth of baby she made this huge speech about how our relationship wouldn't change (this is silly its her child- I told her I expected it would change but that wasn't a bad thing) obviously it did. Now she has everything she wanted - husband, baby etc but is still dissatisfied and constantly moaning about her life- can't have second baby (yes this is tragic) and doesn't earn enough through self employed job and would hate being a SAHM/can't afford full time nursery. She is always going on about being poor/having no money when she knows she still has much better financial situation than both myself and our mother- when she actually had no money our mother supported her financially hugely but now she is supported by husband. :0 I can never mention my feelings like how she always cancels when I arrange to meet her, criticizes me with her husband etc as I am harming her mental health/being spoilt/not putting the toddler first/being a spoilt child. And more importantly the fact she didn't choose me as a godparent and chose her friends instead dispite demanding to mum she was mine when I was being baptised and acting hurt if she wasn't. When asked for reasoning it was because 'I wasn't a big child lover' and 'if they died and I got custody my career is unstable to support nephew' etc and 'its silly your his aunt' - didn't stop her being mine.
A few months ago she blew up at our single mother accusing her of bad parenting, saying its a miracle she turned out such an amazing person despite her up bringing. It hurt me to see them like this as despite the fact I know my sister used to run away to her dad and play them off against each other / accuse mum of bad parenting etc I thought she drew a line below it at 19 when she started spending christmasses, holidays etc with us and was a very affectionate daughter to her - even making speeches at her wedding about how her mum was her role model, an amazing parent etc. Apparently this was all an act. It got brushed under the carpet again, everyone made up and played happy families then Christmas...
I do not want to spend Christmas at sisters, her new house has moving boxes, no oven, no central heating etc so it wouldn't be too pleasant anyway. Her and husband refused invite to spend xmas with our mum, I accepted. Now they can't visit xmas eve, boxing day, 28th as they don't want to drive due to it being holiday time etc and it would accept nephews very regimented 'routine' and nap times. She has got her Mil staying despite constantly bitching her Mil for favoring other grandchildren and not thinking she was good enough for son etc (of course I have not been around for this as they live opposite side of country so I don't see them together) I do understand this is probably her husbands choice but I hate the fact I have to listen to her hating on inlaws after every visit then treating mil like a saint the next minute when she is b@@tching our mother to her. She has also got extended family who she is also constantly nasty about staying. Very hurtful to our mum as everyone has always spent xmas with us in mums house. I can't visit xmas eve/boxing day as I don't drive and there is NO public transport to where she lives in the middle of snowy nowhere. So basically we are semi isolated from family.
I really don't know what to do as I really wanted to have a relationship with nephew but would that happen anyway... I have been accused of giving him 'dirty looks' by her husband and dispite wanting to go and take him to see santa with them now he knows about xmas more, they booked a family grotto package and said it was 'there family tradition'. It is all the little things but things which are important to me which she would have been mental if she had not been included in when I was little. Now because I tried voicing an opinion and mum backed me up, mum because she would not apologize for imaginary situations has been told she cannot see grandchild at all. Making the situation 10 times more difficult....
Why have you posted the same thread under different names?
other one now deleted as name gave away identity
Do what makes you and your mum happy, you'll never please your (frankly weird) sister.
What's the condensed version? Far too long without many breaks.
You may need accept that your sister had a very different childhood to you.
You moan about how involved she was with you and then moan because she won't let you do the same.
It sounds to me like she didn't have a happy childhood, you then came along and she (rightly or wrongly) felt pushed out. Many people try and brush a difficult childhood under the carpet at significant events, such as weddings. It's a desperate attempt to rewrite history.
Her being over baring has not improved your relationship so don't do it to your nephew.
Sounds like your sister really cared about you, albeit in a damaged fashion. Have you ever expressed gratitude for all the time she invested in your relationship?
Yes, she was over involved with you, but there's no reason why that should continue. Every family has traditions of their own. What's wrong with that? Likewise, she can choose godparents.
It seems like she is trying to have more appropriate boundaries now but you are resisting them. You need to remember your sister was younger when you were growing up and we ask mistakes. Dislike her if you must (and you obviously do) but try to let the past go and appreciate the situation for what it is.
It sounds like you are going to sulk and cut off your nose to spite your face re: the relationship with your nephew, yes? And then blame her for the distance between you all? It's your choice. I wouldn't care less if I wasn't god mother to my little neice (I'm not) and not part of the Santa trip ( I wasn't!). It doesn't stop me from respecting her parents wishes and loving her to bits. You get much more out of other people if you stop pushing and just offer love, you know.
Re: your sister and your mum, stay out of it. Sounds like you weren't there for a lot of her childhood and are making assumptions about what it must have been like for her. You just don't know and it won't help you to get caught up in someone else's fight. Ditto her and her MIL. Must women let off steam about their family to someone they see as safe.
thanks for advice so far, trying to bare everything in mind, dispite the fact any evidence leads to nearly everything she says about difficult up bringing being lies, Its hard not to get caught up in it when she is making it hard for me to see entire family
How is she making it difficult for you to see your entire family?
So they've always come to your mum's and because they are hosting in laws this year and went to Santa as a family you don't think you can have a relationship with your nephew?
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