I want some perspective!(9 Posts)
Next April will be 3 years.
My dad (a VERY strong person) had been dead a year.
Previously, we'd all been close and supporting each other.
Dad dies, so there's me, my mum and my DSis.
To me, a year after dad died, my sister suddenly went mad - me and my mum were suddenly these enemies, these evil people, who were so, so nasty to her. Suddenly it was all "you've been bitching about me" "you've been slagging off my 2 DC" "you've been turning the family against me" and "I've been abused as a child" (cos dad was quite aggressive and often nasty/shouty. We dealt).
To her, there were all these issues (there were no issues).
Everything I've been accused of, there are teeny kernels of truth at the bottom of them, but (honestly) nothing nasty. Sister thinks there's nastiness at the heart of all of it. There isn't. but the teeny kernals all end up at the feet of my DD who is 14 now, but was 11 at the time, and not getting on with feisty cousin who was in first year of secondary school at the time - DSis's youngest, who DSis would NEVER hear a bad word about.
I've been wondering for some time (and asking friends) - if you are someone who hates confrontation, what would you do in this situation? How can I make this better? No one's offered anything.
Sister has been diagnosed - today - with a brain tumour (small and benign)
Things HAVE to change now - it's literally killing my DSis. But I don't know how to make it better.
This probably doesn't even make sense.
Please could someone reading this just wave a magic wand and make all my sister's anger at NOTHING just go away! Please.
The brain tumour may have caused some personality changes. The anger hasn't caused the tumour, if that's what you're wondering.
Are you thinking/saying that the brain tumour may have changed her behaviour? Or do you think you can trace it back to your Dad's death? Maybe that she felt she could say the things she'd bottled up for so long now she didn't have him to stop her?
You don't sound as though you think aggressive/nasty parenting constitutes abuse, or really that any of her feelings are valid, or that she's right to protect her DD no matter what, and that's going to hurt her isn't it?
I know it's probably how you cope and have survived so far, but letting her see you acknowledge how she feels (regardless of whether you think she has a point or not) might help more than brushing her anger off as unfounded.
Clearly the things that happened affected her more than you, instead of telling her there were no issues, listen to what she has to say, it might lessen her anger.
Why is any of this falling on your daughter? Is her cousin bullying her?
"I've been abused as a child" (cos dad was quite aggressive and often nasty/shouty. We dealt).
To her, there were all these issues (there were no issues).
But I don't know how to make it better.
Without meaning to be harsh, maybe... listen to her?
Of course things have changed.
We dont want this to happen but it does.
Just feel lucky that its not happening to you.
My sister is due for a brain op on Jan 5th. Shes the calm one about it and im the shouter.
Firstly, her anger is not at nothing. It may be misdirected but it's not nothing.
Would she go to family counselling or mediation?
I think you're being very dismissive. Just being in the same family doesn't mean having the same experience of that family. Is it possible you were a golden child and her the scapegoat? Neither of yours' fault but could explain things? Also we're all different people. What one person can cope with another (for many reasons) can't and it is not their fault they can't.
Also your dad being aggressive and shouty IS abuse. It's emotional abuse. I grew up in a dv home and while dad only hit me once the experience of him even 'just' shouting affects me to this day (I'm now 43) and if a man starts shouting (even joyfully) I shake and feel sick.
Your sister needs support, not criticism and dismissal.
Something very similar has happened in my dads family.
My dads BIL died and one of his daughters started claiming abuse, blamed her sisters and mum. Then started blaming my dad and mum for knowing and not doing anything.
None of the sisters believe her as she does have a history of very serious lies. They never saw their dad hit anyone but he was aggressive.
Before she was born dad moved 150 miles to marry mum and they lived over here. So mum and dad definitely didn't know. Dad is very against aggression towards children and he would not have stood by while BIL smacked her. Although she claims he did.
It's really difficult. Because, as in your situation, if anyone says anything to her she twists it into a huge deal. Her dd was asked to stop hitting her younger cousin and that turned into her dd being screamed at and accused of being an abuser.
Personally I think she may have some mental health issues. She has stolen money, lied about having cancer, lied about her dd being ill (again cancer) and now all this.
I think he fathers death has made the situation worse and she is on the edge. We are trying to help, but until she accepts she needs it there isn't much we can do. Her dd is now 16 and moved out. Which has made it worse.
In your situation your sister brain tumour may be contributing. The truth is you have no idea wether what she is saying about your dad is true. But I can understand your reluctance to believe it as she is twisting things about you.
Really there isn't much you can do. I would recommend listening to what she is saying about your dad. Maybe her anger over you accepting her account of it is causing the rest.
Maybe the brain tumour is affecting her. Can you ask her to put everything to the side, so you can support her at what's must be a difficult time?
And use that as a starting position?
But if you both believe your version is right, you may have to accept that your relationship is never going to be close.
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