family meal out at boyfriends house....

[ghostspirit]

not sure if this would be unreasonable or not wanted to know what others think before i say anything.

my bf has invited me and all the kids to his house for dinner. its a pre xmas meal as we cant spend xmas together. hes doing the full xmas dinner with puddings and sweets and stuff like that. and he seems really excited about it.

so its my lot and his 3 adult children and his grandson and his daughters bf.

The thing is i gave my 18 year old dd the choice. at first she said she would come as she had no plans. she was meant to meet a friend today but he counciled and said tomorrow instead and she agreed. so now shes not coming. I really want her to come as its both of our familys getting together and he and his daughters have gone to alot of trouble. and it would be nice in general if we were all together. shes of college for 2 weeks. and can do what she wants and can met her friends during that time. the only time i want her to be with family is tomorrow and xmas day. But i gave her the choice would it be out of order if i said to her that she has to come and to see the friend another day. the friend was not well today i cant see how he can know he will be ok tomorrow. but i did give her the choice. can i back track on it.

I know shes an adult. but to be honest that wont even enter her head to say.

so do i push her into coming. she would be fine once we are there as she gets on well with her daughters and they are a laugh.

or do i just leave it and let her meet her friend.

[theycallmemellojello]

I think that you can tell that she agreed to come and that it would mean a lot to you if she did. Tbh I think it would be fine to tell her to come, as long as if you do that she's not going to sulk and be miserable or she's just going to refuse and have a massive fight. So I guess what I'm saying is that if she listens to you enough that you can tell her to do it, and if you can do it without it upsetting her, then you should. She can see her friend another time surely. I guess if you do tell her to come you have to make it clear that it's because you value her and want her to get to know your bf's family. This is presuming there's not some backstory like she hates your bf or something.

[Crispbutty]

I would say it's rude if she doesn't go now so really she should at least go for the meal and then explain that she had plans for the evening.

[ghostspirit]

i dontthink im going to get far :( i feel quite hurt and angry to be honest

[ghostspirit]

oops i got it wrong. she said she would come after all. feel a bit shocked that was reasonably easy to sort out

[DinosaursRoar]

Glad it's sorted.

Perhaps it's worth thinking at you are seeing this as your boyfriend being "family" (so this is a big family event), and your daughter seeing him as "mum's boyfriend", someone important to you, but not as a step-dad or particularly important to her (given that you don't live together, is he a big part of her life, or just a big part of yours?).

[ghostspirit]

dino i think hes just seen as my boyfriend. my youngest is his and im also pregnant again. but there were alot of problems. although im preg again the relationship still feels quite new. she seems ok with him though. she chats to him and stuff. if we go out for a meal she is happy to come with us. and has a laugh. also her bf does family stuff with us as well.

[DinosaursRoar]

Well then if you have 1 DC with him already and another on the way but don't live together as a family and cant spend Christmas day together (does this mean he doesn't see his youngest DC on Christmas day), then to you, you are a family and this is your Christmas family meal, but he's not doing the 'step dad' role to your DD,so this is a "get together with Mum's boyfriend" not "my family's only chance to get together over christmas".

Hard, but it sounds like your family life is complex, and worth remembering that means your DD has a different family structure than you and her other siblings do.

[ghostspirit]

dino im confused lol. yeah i think she does see him as mums boyfriend. thats how i see him to really... i think... i dont know :/ i do have a few barriers so probably more me. and he is introducing me to his family and stuff and his mum has invited all of us to her house after the new year. so i think hes trying to bring us all closer. i dont really know how familys/step familys work. i just think its nice that hes doing something for us all. and i think its good for both sides of the family to get to know each other a bit better.

anyway she seems happy to come now. shes staying at her mates tonight but she went past the house pulling faces in the window and jumping about. so shes seems happy enough

[honeyroar]

I'm glad she's going. It's not good to teach her she can change plans and drop people if a better offer comes up. Once you've accepted an invite you go.

[Pythonesque]

Exactly. Don't ever think "I gave x the choice so have to let them choose", if in fact they have made a choice and are later trying to change their mind. Remember when they are little and you offer them a choice of what to drink then they want the other as soon as you have poured it out ....

[My husband and I are massively behind on Christmas prep; going to a family gathering today and he turned around to me last night and said he thought he should stay home today to get things done. I had to put my foot down - it's for my dad's birthday, he's seriously unwell and having to return home for treatment - overseas - after christmas despite planning to stay another month or more. just being behind on stuff we should have done - both of us - isn't acceptable as a reason to back out on important stuff :( ]

[DinosaursRoar]

Yes, it would be rude for her not to go as she said she would, that's polite about honouring a commitment.

But, you said about "both sides of the family to get to know each other" - it's worth remembering it's both sides of your younger DCs family, not both sides of your DDs, she's not related to these people at all. As your DD's 18, even if you do start living together with your DP, then it's unlikely that he'll ever be a step-father to your DD.