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To feel violated...?

(58 Posts)
RaptorsCantPlayPoker Sat 19-Dec-15 10:46:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaliZorah Sat 19-Dec-15 10:49:19

Because some people are entitled arseholes that don't understand personal space or consent.

You have done nothing wrong, they are absolutely at fault. I know what you mean about thinking you should have challenged it, I've had things happen to me that surprised me so much I've not said anything (and I'm usually vocal) and then you spend ages thinking WHY didn't I tell them to fuck off

DragonsCanHop Sat 19-Dec-15 10:50:03

Of course you haven't done anything wrong and you are right to feel the way you do, I would feel the same.

It's beyond creepy that anyone things it's the right way to behave.

Greenzoe14 Sat 19-Dec-15 10:50:15

I am angry on your behalf. No you didn't over react. Under reaction if anything.

BubsandMoo Sat 19-Dec-15 10:57:08

YANBU, at all. Its sexual assault.

I'm sorry these vile entitled idiots did this when you were just trying to enjoy a night out with colleagues. Please don't feel embarrassed at all, you shouldn't have to ignore it at all. I understand feeling like you've failed to challenge something adequately- it can be hard in the moment, I'd love to have the wherewithal in these situations to calmly ask the perpetrator why he felt entitled to assault me in public for his own pleasure. My challenges are usually more "oi!" though. I'd support you with the trying to alert security.

spnfan Sat 19-Dec-15 10:57:34

You definitely didn't over react! About 5 years ago a bloke put his hand up the front of my dress on a night out and I STILL wish I'd reported him to a bouncer or done anything that wasn't stand stock still in shock!

I have no idea why some people think that it's acceptable behaviour. Other people's bodies are their own and you don't get to touch them without permission!


RaptorsCantPlayPoker Sat 19-Dec-15 11:00:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoboticSealpup Sat 19-Dec-15 11:02:56

YANBU at all! That would have ruined my night.


user7755 Sat 19-Dec-15 11:04:40

You haven't done anything wrong at all, it's people who just accept this as normal that are the issue.

I haven't been out somewhere like this for years and years but when I did and this happened I would grab their hand, look them straight in the eyes and ask them if this was supposed to make me find them attractive. I never had any response except embarrassment. I did also point out to a few people that the 1970s wanted their attitude to women back but to be fair most of them were too pissed to understand what I was on about.

I found that getting angry with them just gives them an excuse to laugh with their mates and minimise your response, so calm and assertive is the key.

HooseRice Sat 19-Dec-15 11:05:15

This time of year it's the assholes who go out about once a year who are in the pubs. They have no idea how to conduct themselves now that it isn't 1985.

It's a pity you didn't find a security person...I run a club and have security remove people for less.

iklboo Sat 19-Dec-15 11:07:11

YANBU. An accidental stiletto stomp on the foot as you step backwards in 'surprise' works wonders.

Seeyounearertime Sat 19-Dec-15 11:08:46

I was wearing hot pants so feel like it's my fault somehow

You can stop that right now.
It's NOT your fault, not ever your fault. You should be able to wlk around in anything you choose without fear of molestation from a few arsehole "Men"

It sickens me that some men feel they have the right to do this sort of shit.
It's usually a certain type of dickhead too, more confidence than braincells, more cologne than IQ, probably more product in their hair than you OP.

You should have totally found a bouncer and complained in the strongest possible terms.

That or grabbed their hand, not let go, made a massive scen in front of hundreds of people and made the fucknut look like a little boy. grin

SoupDragon Sat 19-Dec-15 11:10:08


I would like to think I would shout "get your hands off me you pervert" but in reality I would shuffle away quietly. I hope I manage to give my DD the confidence to do the shouting.

WorraLiberty Sat 19-Dec-15 11:24:26

You should have got one of the bar staff to get a bouncer.

Terrible behaviour.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Sat 19-Dec-15 11:25:50

Yanbu. I had a break of about 10 years from nights on the town and when I 'got back out there' I was shocked at how casually blokes would just reach out for a grope. It's a new thing and I'm not impressed. If you haven't consented to be groped then it is assault and your reaction is absolutely OK. You don't have to 'suck it up'

abbsismyhero Sat 19-Dec-15 11:26:14

grab the hand and sharply twist it discourages repeat offenders

RaptorsCantPlayPoker Sat 19-Dec-15 11:28:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blankmind Sat 19-Dec-15 11:31:25

Grab their hand, hold it up and at the top of your voice shout 'Has someone lost a hand, I've just found this one on my <insert favourite terminology for posterior>

Years ago that used to work on the tube in rush hour.

bigmouthstrikesagain Sat 19-Dec-15 11:31:26

You are not unreasonable op, I hope you are ok. One of my most satisfying memories is a karate chop to the arm of a man who's hand was snaking its way towards the bottom of my friend. We were going up steps in a nightclub and I was behind her he was to the side and I don't recall his reaction but I remember how good it felt to stop him. Not that I am generally violent but I hate the fact some men think women's arses are public property.angry

cariadlet Sat 19-Dec-15 11:32:01

Yanbu. That was disgusting behaviour. No wonder you were shocked and angry. It must have really ruined your night out.

I read Everyday Sexism last year and it really shocked me, and worried me on behalf of my dd. Back when I used to go clubbing in the 80s and 90s that kind of behaviour was incredibly rare, but it sounds like it's becoming so common that a lot of young women are starting to accept it as a fact of life. Nobody should have to accept being assaulted like that.

ScarlettDarling Sat 19-Dec-15 11:33:31

I remember back in the day when I used to be out all the time, rarely a night out went by without an arse grope, my skirt being lifted up and once being licked up my leg by some dick.

I always swatted them away but can hardly believe now just how much I accepted it. It horrifies me now and if anyone does that to my daughter when she's older, I'd be so furious.

So no, you most definitely didn't overreact. How dare they? What a damn cheek to think they have any right to touch you like that. And whether you were wearing hot pants or a burkha, it makes no difference.

CandOdad Sat 19-Dec-15 11:34:51

Used to have a friends that would grab the wrist, hold the hand in the air and shout "Has someone lost this hand, it seems to be pervring on my arse"

Worked for her.

Themodernuriahheep Sat 19-Dec-15 11:38:52

The other movement is two elbows and a knee back simultaneously. If you are lucky you get midriff and somewhere lower. And to the groans you say, oh, did that hurt?It's my reflex action after events in the past.

Ie, you don't apologise, but explain. And they realise that they could be on a serious loser.

Used to great effect after years in the City.

bigmouthstrikesagain Sat 19-Dec-15 11:43:06

I have to disagree cariad nightclubs were just as horrendous in the 80s and 90s and my mum talks about the crap she experienced as a miniskirted teen in the 60s. The difference today is that there is more opportunity to share experiences with Twitter etc. The important thing is to make the men doing this understand that gropes to the arse of an unsuspecting are not sexy cheeky fun but scary and gross and disrespectful, I think most reasonable people understand this. But sadly not enough.

youmustbekidding Sat 19-Dec-15 11:46:18

You haven't done anything wrong at all, and the reason you feel bad is because you've just had a stark reminder that we live in a sexist patriarchal society where men think it's fine to assault women and women are told to lighten up about it.

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