mil using the name she prefers for our dd(219 Posts)
Ok I know this topic has been done to death but its really starting to piss me off and I need to know if we should do something now or let it lie and see if it passes.
So we had dd (our pfb) 7 weeks ago and we gave her a name dh chose. Its quite a long name and has a few possible shortenings. We decided on the shortened version we would like for her and started introducing her as that.
Mil liked dds name but said our shortening was too 'fussy' so she started using another possible short version that she preferred... She refers to dd using this name and talks about her to friends and relatives using her preference also.
Aibu to think this is ridiculous and she should call dd the name we use? Or do shortenings even mean anything? We have pulled her up on it but she's just says that both names are 'nicknames' anyway as it is the full version of the name that is on her birth certificate.
But nickname or not, we are her parents and surely we get to decide what people call her?
My MIL did this with our DS, although she insisted on using his full name when we wanted him called by his 4 letter short name.
It was irritating but I ignored it until DS was old enough to talk and he soon corrected her!
I wouldn't sweat it if I were you.
YABU, if you've chosen a long name that can be shortened you have to accept that different people will use different names for her (and a billion spellings of them )
Both my DDs have names which can be shortened loads of ways and I love the informality of it.
Why does it piss you off so much?
Its just a bit irritating because we hate the shortening mil has concocted and its really different from what we are using! Its like a totally different name! We are having to correct family members who ask us how she is doing using that name and some have even put mil's preference in Christmas cards to us!
Dh thinks mil is doing it to try and control things (they don't have a good relationship) and he's really pissed off and wants to say something. I would rather leave it and let her look stupid when we tell people that it isn't her name and mil just come up with that ..
I'm thinking that your dd is called something like Elizabeth and you're calling her beth but mil is calling her lizzy. With a name like that the shortening you choose becomes the name, it's not just a nickname. Your mil is being unreasonable and disrespectful.
If you're both using shortened versions then neither are her actual name though are they?
I know what you mean about her wanting control, but if you get too strict about it you'll look the ones who are trying to control something you've kind of set yourself up for being out of control of (by giving her a name that can be shortened).
'With a name like that the shortening you choose becomes the name, it's not just a nickname.'
I agree with that, and in that case it'll be like the OP says and just her MIL who's calling her something completely different.
Then there's no point in telling her again, if she's a control freak she won't listen and she'll see the upset she's causing by using the name as a measure of how important she is.
Just ignore her doing it and refer to your DD normally, people will catch on eventually.
If you haven't already, send out your Christmas cards to all and sundry with the name you wish to call you DD. Perfect timing
If you husband wants to say something, I'd let him go right ahead. His family, his circus, his monkeys. (and if it was my mother I'd certainly have words with her)
For the friends and family who refer to your daughter by the wrong "mil" name, I'd send them a quick text or whatever and say "oh actually her name is YYY not XXX - not sure why MIL is giving out the wrong name but she does have a quirky sense of humour doesn't she?"
YANBU, let's say the shortened name is Beth, you may have decided that the name you want is Beth but for formality you put Elizabeth on the birth cert. Her name is Beth, you introduce her as Beth, your MIL should call her by the name you have given her.
My OH is known by his middle name, his parents chose that name and allowed his brother to chose his favourite name for the baby too, it so happened the the name his brother chose sounded better in front of the name his parents wanted so that's what went on the BC, but everyone knows him by his middle name, as that is actually the name they chose for their son.
Nicknames are often fluid and sometimes people can have different nicknames from different people.
If you choose a name like, say, Alexandra, you can't get annoyed if some people use Alex and some people use Lexie. Both are accepted nicknames.
In same ways it's nice that MIL has a special nickname for her. We had a family friend who always called me a nickname. I would bite anyone's head off if they attempted to use it with me, but she was allowed, it was just something between the two of us.
By the time your child is at school, there'll be plenty of nicknames, and you lose control of it. If your DD doesn't like it, then she'll be able to speak up and say so.
I don't know I sort of feel like it's up to other people what nickname they call someone, unless the person whose name it is objects. As long as the name relates to her actual name I don't really think it's up to the parents. I don't know. I think I see shortened names and nicknames as something that come about naturally. And I think it's normal for people to be called different things by different people. I know lots of parents on baby names say 'I will call ds Edward, nn Eddie" etc, but I find it a bit strange they are planned in that way rather than being a natural acquisition. Although I can imagine myself coming from the starting point of liking a shortened version of a name and planning to use that but wanting the full name on the birth cert. Sorry I'm going off on one a bit now...!
I can see why it's annoying for you but as your dd grows she will be called allsorts I imagine. I get enough variations with my short name!
I have an Elizabeth, I call her Beth, my Dsis call her Betty and Lizzy, DB calls her Beth, her friends call her Beth and Bet.
We have no control over what other people call her, she answers to all sorts, she is neither damaged nor confused.
As she gets older I'm sure she'll settle on her preferred one but in the meantime I'll stick with Beth (although stroppy teenager seems an equally good name atm)
Your child will receive many nicknames from many people in her life, just as she will have separate relationships with those people - out of your control. Don't try to micromanage.
I know a Melissa who also is Missy, Lissa, Miss Y, Mel, M'liss and Mellie depending on the relative or friend she is speaking to. She rather likes the variety of endearments.
Why are people on mumsnet so ridiculously tolerant? YANBU - regardless of the name on the birth certificate, you are her parents and you specify what people call her, until she's old enough to decide herself. Your MIL is being a twat.
You don't get to decide what other people call your daughter. They are not robots programmed by you. You only get to express your displeasure at what your MIL calls your daughter, and whether you can kick up enough of a stink to get her to follow orders, indeed whether it is worth the aggravation is a question only you can answer.
If you choose a name like, say, Alexandra, you can't get annoyed if some people use Alex and some people use Lexie.
I disagree with this. One most certainly can get annoyed if they name the child, introduce the child with a name to be called, then others decide something completely different.
It's one thing for close relatives to develop nicknames for children in a natural way, but those should be borne of endearment. (For example, my mother called our daughter "Feather" for two years, though that had no resemblance to her name or nickname. It was simply something between the two of them, and that was fine.)
For the husband's mother to simply override the chosen nickname in favour of a different nickname, then publicise it, is confusing and misleading. Not to mention unsupportive.
OP, I wouldn't raise a fuss, I'd simply reinforce your chosen nickname at every opportunity. If questioned you can simply explain to people (who will probably be apologetic at having gotten it wrong) that you don't know why your mother-in-law calls her that, but the rest of the family calls her this, and that's how you know her.
Send all replies (Christmas cards, thank you notes for gifts) on behalf of the name you call her.
People will learn. And soon enough she'll be able to tell everyone what she'd like to be called.
I would send out a text or email with a lovely photo of baby introducing her with her correct name and date of birth yes an announcement if you haven't already done that. To all family and friends including mil.
Always correct people calmly don't rise to mil.
Or you could just start calling her a completely different name saying you prefer that it's just a nickname blah blah and change the name everything she gets you ds name wrong call her a random name back
I don't disagree that OP's MIL is being a twat McColonel, but the only thing you're going to get by trying to out control a control freak is a fucking headache.
The more they push for her to use the name they use the more she'll dig her heels in.
It's not being ridiculously tolerant, it's just not thinking the same things are important.
OP's DD's name isn't the OP's DD, it's just a name people call her.
What does it matter if she calls her a different name?
She's not putting her at risk or anything!
I don't know. I think I see shortened names and nicknames as something that come about naturally.
Agreed. It doesn't sound as though the mother-in-law did this naturally. It sounds as though she did it deliberately. Didn't like the name, used another name.
Whether it's an accepted alternative nickname is rather irrelevant.
Parents: we have named him Jonathan. We call him Jonny.
Grandparents: oh, look, our little Nathan! Hey all our friends, please meet Nathan!
Jojo? Yes. Jay? Yes. But then it must be, "they've had a boy called Jonathan/Jonny. Oh we love our little Jojo!"
I agree with the other poster who talked about the ridiculous levels of tolerance in mumsnet...your body, your choice, etc. Why does that not extend to your choice of name, of all things?
Her baby name choosing days are over, I agree it's her way of trying to exert control. Until baby is old enough to have a preference, or nicknames get organically applied, the version you have chosen is the one that should be used, anything else is just rude.
Correct the people that mil has misinformed with a little sigh, roll eyes and "mil is... confused".
You need to be firm. "No MIL, her name is XX or you may call her X".
some have even put mil's preference in Christmas cards to us!
Send back Christmas cards with the correct nickname/name.
We have pulled her up on it but she's just says that both names are 'nicknames' anyway
"Yes MIL you're right, but YY is not a chosen nickname for our child. You are being extremely rude to tell family the incorrect name of our child and causing them embarrassment when they have to be corrected. You need to respect our wishes. If we can't trust you with something as simple as a name, how will we be able to trust you with her at all?"
If she doesn't respect your wishes about a name, it's a bit of a slippery slope for what else she'll decide is "too fussy".
'Send back Christmas cards with the correct nickname/name.'
Yeah, if you want to look a total twat
Would you really shell out shit loads on doing that yourself Syk?
C'mon, be honest.
As for the "I don't know. I think I see shortened names and nicknames as something that come about naturally" comment someone wrote... that is an extremely personal thing and differs from family to family.
My brother has my fathers first and 3rd name, but his second is different and is his "known" name. I am named after my grandmother, but as her name is extremely old school my parents chose my name based on her nickname (for example "Shelly" and "Michelle"). My nickname has evolved over the years through friends but my family obviously still call me by the name that links to my grandmother. My sister has a typical name like "Kathryn" and her nicknames are "Kath", "Kathy", "Kat" etc.
So I totally understand the OP having a decided nickname. Luckily (unluckily) my DH isn't a huge fan of his mother/siblings so telling them to pull their head in and withholding contact with the child as it shows a decided lack of respect and we already don't trust that they're respect our choices so that would simply be a strong indicator of it.
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