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To be annoyed and wonder why she did this?

(36 Posts)
Evabeaversprotege Fri 18-Dec-15 23:10:29

There's a bit of a back story but I don't want to drip feed so will say SIL and I aren't best friends, but we're not sworn enemies and can (and do) spend time in each others company when we need to.

She & bil live close to us, dhs parents live abroad, and we only really see them when their parents are home for a visit.

She rang dh today, asked what time suited for her to call to the house with gifts for the kids. Dh said he had an appointment at 3.30pm but would be home after 5pm and I'd be home after 6. She said OK etc..

Then when he came home from his appointment found two packages on the back door step.

Why'd she ring to see when suited us if she was just going to come when we were out anyway?

This isn't the first time she's done this. In fact the last time was the summer, dhs birthday, we told her we were out for the morning but in the end dd was ill. So we were at home when she left his gift hanging on the gate - I opened the door but she seemed awfully put out to find us in.

I gave gifts for them which they didn't get as we weren't in. Dh or me will take them to their house, I have no issues with that, but I just can't get my head around the avoidance.

I know she can be very anxious and the only thing I can think of is that she wasn't having a good day and didn't want to face anyone, but in that case wouldn't the gifts have done to another day?

(It's not about the gifts, they're like she buys out of duty)

I'm not going to say anything, I just wonder AIBU for feeling like she was checking to ensure we'd be out before coming to our house?

janethegirl2 Fri 18-Dec-15 23:16:39

Just be glad she missed you and you didn't have to pretend to like her.

AgentZigzag Fri 18-Dec-15 23:17:04

I think you've answered why in your post really.

She doesn't feel comfortable round at yours and she was trying to side step the awkwardness.

Would you have rather she came round and stopped for ages? Even though you're not keen on her and know she's probably feeling anxious about it?

Flossyfloof Fri 18-Dec-15 23:19:59

Who knows? I don't suffer from anxiety but I might well prefer to leave a parcel on the step rather than speak to someone. I don't think I would check beforehand - but I would be quite pleased if they were out.
If that's what she wants to do - let her get on with it. I would be a bit irritated though at having to arrange a reciprocal visit.

Evabeaversprotege Fri 18-Dec-15 23:20:19

No, it's not awkward when we're together.

It's hard to explain. We're not close, but can find stuff to talk about.

I guess I don't blame her for coming when we're not in if she doesn't want to - but the kids would have liked to have seen her.

She's the only family member on dhs side who lives in this area.

WorraLiberty Fri 18-Dec-15 23:23:08

I don't know why it matters really.

You don't like each other

The gifts are bought out of duty

She probably had something else come up, so she did the best alternative thing and that was dropping the gifts off.

Job done.

Evabeaversprotege Fri 18-Dec-15 23:23:56

Flossy, I think that's what's annoyed me.

One of us is going to have to arrange to go to their house (one year, prior to PIL moving away, we left their gift at IL) and SIL sent dh an email asking why, saying she was hurt we hadn't taken it to her etc but it was just such a busy time.

If you call at someone's house with no prior warning then of course they may be out, but to check what time they WON'T be in seems a bit odd.

abbieanders Fri 18-Dec-15 23:24:28

It could be for any of a number of reasons, even as simple as her having a million things to do and finding that the only time to drop off presents was when you were not there after all. You'll probably never know why, so just assume the best and let it go. It hardly matters.

Evabeaversprotege Fri 18-Dec-15 23:24:40

Aye Worra, you may be right.

RabbitSaysWoof Fri 18-Dec-15 23:25:32

I would do this if I were very busy (for example if it was the week before Christmas). Being polite can be time consuming, dropping something off is just a quick errand when no ones in, I'd be glad no one was there so I could drop it off with greasy hair while I walked the dog.

Evabeaversprotege Fri 18-Dec-15 23:26:26

I think it matters.

She has no other family but dh and our kids. No other nieces or nephews.

She has no children of her own and much as I don't push my (almost teens) on her, they do like seeing her and her bil.

Puffpastry1 Fri 18-Dec-15 23:27:14

Well maybe she just asked to see if you were going to be home. It didnt fit in with what she was doing that day (we're all busy now) and left them for you?

I'd not see something into it to be honest.

PaulAnkaTheDog Fri 18-Dec-15 23:28:31

Something came up, she dropped the gifts early. Mountain out of a non existent molehill, no?

Puffpastry1 Fri 18-Dec-15 23:28:49

It think its more about you. She's single and doesnt have the commitments you have.

Evabeaversprotege Fri 18-Dec-15 23:29:57

OK. Maybe I'm over thinking it.

WorraLiberty Fri 18-Dec-15 23:33:06

If they live nearby and your kids are almost teens, surely they can pop over and see their aunt if they ever fancy it?

It really does just sound as thought something else came up.

At least she dropped the prezzies off. That was nice of her.

LittleBeautyBelle Sat 19-Dec-15 04:25:29

There's not much of a relationship between you anyway, and you seem to be making something huge out of something tiny. Stop assuming the worst. Maybe she's simply an introvert or shy or sensed a long time ago that you don't like her or whatever it is, who knows?

You said she doesn't live far so shouldn't be much trouble to drop her gift off, right? And you say your teens would have liked to see her, well, take them with you when you drop off her gift. Nothing's stopping you or you kids from going to visit her. I really don't get this.

If this is all you can think of that she is doing to you (dropping off gifts when you're not home), then count yourself very fortunate. Many of us have very evil sil, bil, mil, you name it, you would really freak out if you had to deal with them.

Enjolrass Sat 19-Dec-15 04:49:05

I would imagine that, as you said before, it's a busy time of year and she just couldn't fit it in when you were there.

I do get it though. My relationship with sil is similar. For the last 3 years birthdays sil has posted cards through the door, while we are in!

She scuttles off so quick, you wouldn't know she was here. By the time I get to the door she is back in the car and is off.

When dbro does it he comes and stands in the doorway only as sil is expecting him to be 'back quickly'

It's hurtful. Dbro didn't drop of my sons presents for his birthday until 9pm at night when ds was in bed and didn't come to a family dinner as they had other plans. So didn't see my ds at all over his birthday.

Personally I just shrug it off now. If they want to be distant I just let them get on with it.

TheHouseOnTheLane Sat 19-Dec-15 04:59:38

My SIL is like this. She tries to dictate things too....we're not going to MIL's for Christmas mainly because SIL will be and she's pretty horrid.

She then passed a message to me through MIL to "suggest" that DH and I go to Mil's to give gifts etc on the 20th of December.

Why? I don't know or care but what is it to do with HER when we go to MIL's? She doesn't live there!

We;'re going on Christmas Eve. Sorry OP...no advice but I feel ya!

Enjolrass Sat 19-Dec-15 05:16:51

My SIL is like this. She tries to dictate things too....we're not going to MIL's for Christmas mainly because SIL will be and she's pretty horrid.

that was me last Christmas. Didn't go to my mums because sil said my ds is too lively. He was a perfectly normal 3 year old. If anything he was a bit quiet.

I think she was using it as an excuse so she didn't have to go to mums. Rather than just saying that she tried to blame my kids.

So I just said 'it's fine, we will have Christmas just me, dh and the kids'

She still got shitty.

Dontunderstand01 Sat 19-Dec-15 07:11:08

My SIL once asked she could use my drive so her then oh could do some work on her car. He was most upset to find me at home - I had made plans to go out which were cancelled. He mumbled something about how dsil wouldn't be expecting to see me. He then asked if was still planning on popping out to the shops. I was so incensed.

I know people say anxiety, socks issues etc but it sounds like in this case (and my own) they just cba with you. Sorry. I know it's horrible. Better to know him she really feels and act accordingly than to make an effort about someone that clearly couldn't give a shit.

VocationalGoat Sat 19-Dec-15 07:24:35

I'm your SIL. blush
I find it incredibly hard to face people with whom there is bad feeling. No matter how you slice it, there's no love lost between the two of you.

See the gesture for what it is: one of kindness. The kids got gifts from their auntie.
She did you a favour really. No small talk or bullshit over unwanted cups of tea. She's not being confrontational or nasty. She's not being fake either. It's not as if you love her company, so why put on airs and graces? It is what it is.

Thank her for the gifts. DH can bring yours round to theirs.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 19-Dec-15 07:35:50

God, if she can't face seeing you, why bother coming over to yours at all? Why not just say "can DH come and collect the gifts I have for you" and then he can take yours to them over at the same time.

It may be social anxiety, she may like you a lot less than you think, or she may think you hate her - I really don't know - but if it's that bad (and she's done it twice now so I don't think it's a case of "something came up") then she should consider leaving the presents at her parents' instead, rather than out on the fecking doorstep where anyone could wander off with them.

StrictlyMumDancing Sat 19-Dec-15 08:06:14

I'd be half tempted to message SIL and say 'sorry you didn't make it yesterday, shall I get DH to collect presents when he drops yours off' and then claim there were not presents on the doorstep so someone must half pinched them. Then see if she comes up with an explanation [evil]

StrictlyMumDancing Sat 19-Dec-15 08:07:00

half inched them. thanks autocorrect!

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