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To not want dd to go to fils grave Xmas morning?

(234 Posts)
CrapWreathKeith Fri 18-Dec-15 22:27:23

Dh and I agreed this year to have Xmas at home, with just us and dd (4) his idea btw. Usually we alternate between mil and my parents, this year is 'my parents year'. We have ended up with mil too (whole other thread)

The idea originally was get up, open presents, have a couple of hours in the local ( child friendly) come home, have dinner.

This has morphed into get up, open presents, dh take dd to collect mil, via the church yard, pick me up en route to pub (I will have prepped dinner while they are gone) come back, have dinner, dh drops mil home.

Aibu to think

A) dd still doesn't get time to play with her presents and
B) fuck off am I doing all the prep
C) what 4 yo wants to traipse across the churchyard when they could be at home playing in the warm?

Dh thinks I'm unreasonable and should be grateful he is offering to 'get dd out of my hair'

I think he and mil should go alone (Xmas day is fils birthday and he died before dd was even born) but dh should again least peel the spuds before he goes.


Puffpastry1 Fri 18-Dec-15 22:31:45

Has DD said she wants to go? If not that's fine. Yes of course he should help in the prep for dinner.

cardibach Fri 18-Dec-15 22:32:07

Prep for a roast dinner isn't that much work. MiL obviously wants to go to her husband's grave on his birthday. Would you prefer DD to stay, or would you then co plain that you had to do prep and look after DD?
YABVU - it's an adjustment to your day that hardly affects you and helps your MiL and probably DH too.

0christmastree5 Fri 18-Dec-15 22:34:02

Why would you want to do everything .... alone?

LouLouLockets Fri 18-Dec-15 22:35:04

I would play it by ear; if it's pouring rain there's not much point in DD going, but if it is a nice dry day some fresh air would probably do her good. She'll have plenty of time to play.

But DH can get those spuds peeled!

Canyouforgiveher Fri 18-Dec-15 22:36:08

Your DH should help with the prep

Your dd should go to visit the grave with her dad (but I am from a culture where visiting the grave is important and comforting).

Both are possible

TheHouseOnTheLane Fri 18-Dec-15 22:36:26

Prep the night before WITH DH. I see no issue with visiting grave. She has the rest of the day to play with gifts.

cardibach Fri 18-Dec-15 22:38:48

It isn't 'everything' 0Christmas. It's a few veg. For 3 adults and a child. So her DH can go to his father's grave with his mother on his dad's birthday. My mum died recently, so perhaps I'm a bit sensitive, but this seems more important to me...
In plan a DD didn't seem to have playing time either, so I don't see why that's an issue.

CrapWreathKeith Fri 18-Dec-15 22:40:40

Dh is working until at least 2am Christmas Eve.

I am quite happy to keep dd with me. Mil lives a 30 min drive away, churchyard is another 25/30 mins further on, so an hour back.

Realistically he will need to leave by 9.30 at the very latest to get back here by 12.

TimeToMuskUp Fri 18-Dec-15 22:41:31

I agree with TheHouse, prep the evening before and all go to FIL's grave. It's a few moments of her day to give up for MIL, and I'm sure it would mean an awful lot to her. If the plan was to spend a couple of hours in the local your DD wouldn't have had much time to play with her toys anyhow, so this change to the plan won't (hopefully) make much of a difference to the day.

Purplepixiedust Fri 18-Dec-15 22:43:18

Do you need to go to the pub?

I think DH taking DD to get MIL is ok if you want her to go and she is happy to go. Assuming it wont take hours. I do think it is nice for kids to spend as much time at home on Christmas day as possible but an hour out won't hurt. No issues with cemetary visit in itself. We have always taken DS at christmas but usually it is xmas eve or sometimes earlier. I can understand mil wanting to go on xmas day if it was FILs birthday. My MIL liked to go xmas day too but went before once we had DS. I would probably keep DD at home if I were you (especially if you are going to the pub).

And yes ideally he should help with some prep, although a few years back, I used to do it while DH fetched his mum, went to cemetary and then fetched my mum which took about an hour and a half.

BertrandRussell Fri 18-Dec-15 22:43:26

How long does it take to prep a dinner for 4 people?

There are two chores to be done. Prepping dinner and fetching mil and going to the grave. I know which I'd rather do!

Duck90 Fri 18-Dec-15 22:44:57

Why the need to go to the pub if you feel time at home for dd is important?

Floralnomad Fri 18-Dec-15 22:45:43

Don't go to the pub - your dd can play at home in that time and dp can help get dinner ready . Going to the pub is way less important than going to the graveyard .

CrapWreathKeith Fri 18-Dec-15 22:45:54

Pub is a 4 minute walk and opens at 12. She's up at 7.30 every morning. I make that an extra 3 hours playing time Cardibach

The whole reason for having Christmas at home this year is for the last 6 we've tried to please everyone and ended up not pleasing ourselves or dd. (my parents are an hour away in the opposite direction)

Krampus Fri 18-Dec-15 22:46:21

I was going to say the same as LouLou If its rainy she can stay at home, if not some fresh air and a break from the house may be nice for her.

Get dp to help with some prep and planning the night before, you can do things like par boil potatoes, make up stuffing, prepare the turkey.

Purplepixiedust Fri 18-Dec-15 22:47:19

Having just looked at your timescales I would keep DD at home. Otherwise she will open her presents and then not be able to play with them until mid afternoon. Prepping veg isn't a massive job really. Sort out your timings and set stuff out the night before.

Whatamuckingfuddle Fri 18-Dec-15 22:48:24

Erm, my roast potatoes have improved dramatically since I started par boiling them the night before. Also unfair to drag DD along for something that would actually be better for DH and MIL to do alone imo

petalsandstars Fri 18-Dec-15 22:48:43

Your quiet Christmas is disappearing out the window again keith

CrapWreathKeith Fri 18-Dec-15 22:49:47

Petal stars I think it's doomed... sad

Yambabe Fri 18-Dec-15 22:49:48

Aw I am gutted that she has still managed to wriggle in on your christmas day but at least you seem to have got rid of the other family members she invited. Please tell me you're still going to the pub in the evening for the cosy night with friends that you wanted though?)

CrapWreathKeith Fri 18-Dec-15 22:51:47

Yam that is very much the plan..... At the moment!

Duck90 Fri 18-Dec-15 22:52:36

Personally I feel it wouldn't do any harm for dd to go to the grave. The visit to the pub will take longer. I have no issues with you guys going out to the local, but think saying the visit to the grave is ruining her time with the toys is a bit hypocritical.

pictish Fri 18-Dec-15 22:53:14

Your dd should stay at home. Why on earth should she go to a graveyard on Christmas day in honour of a grandparent that died before she was born, rather than stay at home and play with her toys?

If your dh and his mum want to visit the grave that's fine...totally understandable, but I don't see why they feel the need to involve your dd in it.

pictish Fri 18-Dec-15 23:02:25

I mean...different strokes for different folks and all that, of course. It it just wouldn't occur to me personally, to take a child along to a graveyard on Christmas day. I lost my mum 10 years ago before my younger dc came along, so I can appreciate the sentiment...but it's not something I would do.

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