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party invites frustration!

(54 Posts)
mummymummums Fri 18-Dec-15 19:08:58

It is my daughter's 9th birthday in January, and she is allowed 10 friends to her party which is at a local venue. She has one 'friend' at school who is a child I cannot warm to (and from what I gather I am not alone) - she is well known for being spiteful and unkind, and she makes a big show of who is and is not her friend that day. Children seem to try and stay on her 'good side' for an easy life. Have never understood what my daughter sees in her, as all her other friends are lovely, but it's her choice.
DD insisted that she wanted to invite this girl to the party, and apparently the girl told my DD that she was inviting DD to her own forthcoming party, and has been quizzing DD about her party to make sure she gets invited.
So we did the invites and they were handed out on Monday. This girl apparently immediately accepted and is very excited (the venue is pretty cool). On Tuesday my daughter came home disappointed, because this girl handed out her invites, making a big show of doing so, for her own birthday party, at another well liked local venue. But my daughter is NOT invited. This girl is now repeatedly discussing her own party whenever my daughter is in earshot, and basically making sure she rubs her nose in it, along with a couple of others she has left out.
I am sooooooooo irritated. I am so not looking forward to the party with this little horror sat in the middle of it, probably being a right royal pain (she is v badly behaved). I just cannot think of a way to uninvite her.
Don't get me wrong - this isn't the first time a thing like this has happened, but usually it's been a few months after. Whilst I understand that almost 9 year olds have their own minds, nonetheless I would tell my daughter that if she was accepting an invite to a party, around the same time as her own, she ought to invite the child to her own party and if she doesn't want to, she should decline the invite. AIBU???? Both me and daughter wish this girl had never been invited but I guess we're stuck with it now???

Tate15 Fri 18-Dec-15 19:22:55

No you are not stuck with her! You are the adult and can say who is and who isn't coming.

You can tell the other mum that the two girls have fallen out so think it best that her daughter doesn't now come to the party.

The other mum wil know that your daughter isn't invited to her daughters party so will know the two aren't close.

MontyYouTerribleCunt Fri 18-Dec-15 19:57:32

Have they fallen out though? I didn't think so from the OP. Personally I would suck it up on this occasion but not invite her to anything else. If DD has properly fallen out with her I'd do what Tate suggests.

Floggingmolly Fri 18-Dec-15 20:02:12

If course you're not stuck with her hmm. Are you really going to allow her to lord it over your dd about her own party, while welcoming her to yours?
Contact the mum and tell her you invited her dd thinking the girls were friends, but have since realised that they are really not.
She'll be perfectly well aware that your dd is absent from her dd's guest list.

mummymummums Fri 18-Dec-15 20:16:50

They haven't fallen out. My daughter has been to her house to play in last two months, and the girl has been here to play a few weeks ago. So reasonably good friends.
I put a deadline to make food selections of 4 Jan - have had my fingers crossed that they will miss the deadline and I'll have good excuse to dump her. Flogginmolly - the comment about lording it over my daughter is spot on. Oddly the child concerned is not popular but the girls all seem to want to stay on her good side so tread carefully.
I've suggested to my daughter about un-inviting the girl, and she's quite worried....... I'd love to drop her myself

Tate15 Fri 18-Dec-15 20:20:04

You are setting a strange example to your daughter by condoning the other child's rudeness by letting your daughter think the behaviour is acceptable by putting up with it!

MontyYouTerribleCunt Fri 18-Dec-15 20:21:57

Oh I hope they miss the deadline OP!

She might do a spot of the old lording at the party, but I wouldn't get involved in tit for tat "you didn't invite me to your bday party" stuff. It is playground crapola, which adults probably don't need to get fully involved in. If you were sending invites out now that would be different but to uninvite a child when she is still friends with your DD would seem odd to me. I'm not saying the girl isn't a bit of a pita but you don't seriously want to take her on do you? I mean... She's 9?

mummymummums Fri 18-Dec-15 20:28:18

I have told my daughter I think we should cancel her invite but I can't have her worrying all over Christmas if she's really uncomfy with it. She is mostly bullet proof, but if something worries her it really worries her, and the suggestion bothers her.
The Mum is a bit weird and appears away with the fairies most the time so am hoping for the coward's way out......

WombOfOnesOwn Fri 18-Dec-15 20:31:34

I'd like to offer a hypothesis based on my experiences with young kids and their parents.

When I've known girls who acted the way the bratty friend did--keeping people deliberately in ingroups and outgroups--it was because they had a mother who was telling them that this was the right way to be. The mothers were in some ways trying to live vicariously through their kids.

Girls this happens to are often being pushed by parents to rank friends, to exclude people who aren't "of quality" enough based on the mother's changing preferences, and so on. I'm betting where she lives, all love and affection must be earned, so she goes about making other people earn hers.

In other words ... don't assume that all this comes from the girl herself. She may be someone who's being made into that kind of person by her environment. What about instead showing her some unearned kindness, the kind she may not get at home?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Fri 18-Dec-15 20:33:32

So after your DD invited her to her party but 'her so called friend doled out party invites and left your DD standing there. Over my dead body would that child be invited to my DDS party.
It begs the question. Where was her mother when these invites were being written out.

Bunbaker Fri 18-Dec-15 20:38:18

Can you change the time of your daughter's party, and "forget" to tell the bratty one?

Supermanspants Fri 18-Dec-15 20:41:00

Girls this happens to are often being pushed by parents to rank friends, to exclude people who aren't "of quality" enough based on the mother's changing preferences, and so on. I'm betting where she lives, all love and affection must be earned, so she goes about making other people earn hers

Or she is just a manipulative bully who knows exactly how to control her immediate friendship group though exclusion and inclusion.

OTiTO Fri 18-Dec-15 20:42:54

Maybe the other girl was only allowed to invite a few girls? Is that possible?

mummymummums Fri 18-Dec-15 20:50:29

She seems to have invited quite a few and is talking loudly about how fab it'll be so the excluded ones can hear.angry Sadly she is a manipulative bully - can usually see good in most but not this bratty one. Am loving the changing the time idea!!!grin

mummymummums Fri 18-Dec-15 20:51:24

I would uninvite her immediately if my daughter wasn't anxious about upsetting bratty one

MontyYouTerribleCunt Fri 18-Dec-15 20:56:02

Sorry, you now say she is 'a bully'. Is she actually bullying your DD or anyone else? If so you should probably take that up with the school.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 18-Dec-15 20:58:12

The girl sounds horrid, even if it is through tge mum, she does nit appear embarrassed or ashamed. I would contact the mum and tell her that the girls seem to have had a falling out and are no longer friends, so it will not be appropriate for the girl to come to minimum my party sorry!

Aeroflotgirl Fri 18-Dec-15 20:59:12

She does sound like a bully, I would have a chat with the teacher about it.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 18-Dec-15 21:01:34

monty what she has done to dd, is a form of bullying, it may not be the sticks and stones variety, but it's emotional psychological bullying, it's not only restricted to op dd, but it her children who are scared of her. You woukd not tolerate that behaviour in a workplace, why shoukd a chil at school, just because it's a child doing the bullying!

Supermanspants Fri 18-Dec-15 21:05:22

Girls like that are hideous. I has one who went out of her way to ensure nobody played with my DD and that included her sister. She was a nasty piece of work. My DD had such a miserable time all though school because of the little toe rag. On occasions she would tell my DD that she would play with her at lunch time then she would run away laughing.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 18-Dec-15 21:08:13

I still remember my bullies at primary school, who nasty they were, because I did not fit in, I was deemed odd.

mummymummums Fri 18-Dec-15 21:09:39

No, sorry, just said manipulative bully agreeing with Supermanspants definition. Manipulative little madam is fine! I think I'm more cross about it than my daughter who as I say is mostly bullet proof. Having been on school trips I know the school are well aware of her nature, watch her closely and stand for no nonsense. On the plus side I am happy DD has seen the light. In June/July we will have a little pool party (nothing grand, I was able to persuade husband that we needed a 16 footer to put up in summer and a garden was not necessary wink). I shall hold onto the happy knowledge that bratty one won't get an invite but will want one

MontyYouTerribleCunt Fri 18-Dec-15 21:10:01

Aeroflot I'm not sure I agree with you that this is bullying. I wouldn't feel confident labelling an 8 year old 'the bratty one' or a 'manipulative bully' based on the second hand pieces of information we've got in here.

If the OP thinks her DD is being bullied she should be talking to the school. That is a lot more important than whether or not this child comes to a birthday party. She also shouldn't be asking her DD if she can uninvite a bully. She should just do it.

The thing is, and perhaps I'm misreading, it sounds like the OP has a personal dislike of this child which her DD doesn't share. That's not to say she isn't bullying DD, but the OP didn't put it across that way until another poster called the child a manipulative bully and the OP reiterated.

shebird Fri 18-Dec-15 21:10:24

Just take it as a lesson learned OP and avoid this girl in future.

Supermanspants Fri 18-Dec-15 21:14:14

I wouldn't feel confident labelling an 8 year old 'the bratty one' or a 'manipulative bully' based on the second hand pieces of information we've got in here.

You could say that about anything posted on MN surely. We respond to in information given and that is generally second hand isn't it??
Children of 9 are very capable of manipulating situations.

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