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Aibu to be tired of being told how easy my life is?

(34 Posts)
Gettingtired Fri 18-Dec-15 13:17:34

Have name changed for this as potentially outing. My mother has a lovely habit of making everything about her. Granted she's 52 and works full time as well as having a hobby that earns her money. When I was 25 she decided she didn't want me living in shared accommodation and so offered to join me in getting a mortgage. I put in 20 grand and she put in 60 we have 141 grand left to pay off. 8 years later me and my husband and our 2 children live in the house. We have a 25% share in the property she has 75%. We pay her £800 a month and some of the bills on top. She pays the remainder of the bills. The monthly mortgage payments are £500 so she pays whatever is supplementary to the extra 300 that we pay. She won't tell me how much that is exactly as she has a history of treating me like a child about how it leaves her with no money left at the end of the month. She does live rent free with her partner but frequently points out spend all of her money on keeping me in a home.
This morning she came over and asked me what I have done yesterday day as I work 20 hours over 2.5 days a week and the rest of the time I'm free as I have a 2 year old and a 7 year old. The two year old goes to nursery on the days I work but is it home with me the rest of the time and I do the usual school drop-off and pick-ups for my oldest. I told her I'd spend the day cleaning and looking after my 2 year old she told me I was so lucky that I get to clean and genuinely meant this and then went off in a rant about how she lives in a s* hole because she has to work all the time to pay for me and how she won't ever be able to retire because of this. I tried offering her more money although to be honest we don't really have a significant amount leftover at the end of the month but we get by ok.

She also said to everyone who will listen that she frequently baby-sits for me however the truth face she has looked after one child maybe 4 times for a couple of hours this year and only on one occasion did I actually go out. The other was parents evening and when my other child was in hospital overnight in February. I don't mind not having much hands on help but I do wish she wouldn't tell everyone lies about how involved she is. Am I being unreasonable to think that whilst monetary wise she does help out significantly that doesn't necessarily make my life so much easier than hers?

whois Fri 18-Dec-15 13:21:08

I would look to be stair casing your investment and buying her out in stages. At the current MV not the original value.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but doesn't sound like you as a family earn enough to own a house of that value.

ChristmasZombie Fri 18-Dec-15 13:25:11

Are you in the position to start buying her out of the house? Or could she buy your share of the property, so you and your family could downsize?

Gettingtired Fri 18-Dec-15 13:28:44

We could buy her out in a couple of years but she won't let us as she says the money she put in originally is my inheritance

Gettingtired Fri 18-Dec-15 13:29:54

To make above clear we have money tied up in something that would be enough to pay her back her percentage value of the house plus pay off a lump of the remaining sum

theycallmemellojello Fri 18-Dec-15 13:29:55

Sounds like neither of you much like the financial arrangement anymore. She feels resentful that she's working hard to subsidise your living expenses and is acting out. I think you need to consider what your options are wrt the house. Is selling up and taking your portion of the value a possibility? Did you have an agreement about what percentage of the money you pay her goes towards the mortgage payments (and increases your share in the house)?

theycallmemellojello Fri 18-Dec-15 13:35:22

I'd speak to a solicitor about what your options are. I think that you can't force her to sell you her bit but you will be able to force a sale of the house.

Optimist1 Fri 18-Dec-15 13:36:27

She's enjoying having the financial upper hand, IMO. Her refusal to let you buy her out because her original investment was your inheritence? hmm If you buy her out she has the option to invest the capital elsewhere (thus safeguarding your inheritence) doesn't she?

RandomMess Fri 18-Dec-15 13:41:12

I truly is time to end the arrangement.

Tell her that it doesn't work for you anymore and give her 2 or 3 options to end the financial arrangement even if it means selling that particular house.

It's only going to get worse I'm afraid sad

Gettingtired Fri 18-Dec-15 13:44:16

I suppose it makes sense to see a solicitor for advice. She is quire controlling with money but to be fair to her she grew up very poor. Without trying to give too much information she was born in an extremely poor country and grew up in poverty. She had nothing until her parents managed to get them over here in the late 60s and times were still hard after that. Maybe I am being too hard on her. I just wanted to rant. I will talk to a solicitor and see where to go from here. Thabjs

Seeyounearertime Fri 18-Dec-15 13:44:35

See the house, split it into 3, you get 1/3 and she gets remainder.
Do whatever you can with the money.

Or you get the financial situation clarified and in writing with a solicitor. There should be no financial arrangement between people without it written in stone and all parties knowing exactly what the ins and outs, clauses and pitfals are etc.

GreenTomatoJam Fri 18-Dec-15 13:53:56

Hang on. I'm missing something here.

so you went 25/75 on the deposit, and got a mortgage for the rest.

That mortgage is 500/month.

You pay your mother 800/month

For some reason, the bills are in her name, so she pays them with your 300, plus any extra required - that would cover my council tax/electricity/gas/water, so I can't imagine she's paying much more.

Yet she still owns 75% of the property?

Why hasn't her percentage gone down as you pay all the mortgage each month? Why is the mortgage even in her name? Why is she paying the bills?

You need to separate this all out somehow.

Oakmaiden Fri 18-Dec-15 14:12:01

How the money works out is very confusing.

Does she actually put money towards the mortgage? Has she ever? Or does she just top up a bit if bills are more than expected?

It is easy enough to get the bills put in your name. You just phone the utilities and say "I am now living here, please send the bills to me"

Arfarfanarf Fri 18-Dec-15 14:16:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wobblystraddle Fri 18-Dec-15 14:21:44

If the 60k is your inheritance, and you pay the mortgage and most bills (you could increase this amount/take charge of your own bills) how does she own ANY of the property, from a day-to-day PoV? I mean nor legally, because i imagine she has the legal stuff sewn up.

But if she gifted you the 60k and you cover the mortgage, I fail to see how she actually owns any of try our house.

Wobblystraddle Fri 18-Dec-15 14:22:14

Agree it's because she wants to be controlling you.

roundaboutthetown Fri 18-Dec-15 14:23:32

Tbh I think she's the one making a profit out of the situation here. Have you ever asked for a breakdown of what she is paying? I'm struggling to think what extras she is responsible for that could possibly be leaving her remotely out of pocket. How can she possibly be struggling when you are covering the mortgage payments plus another 60% on top, plus some of the bills?! She's making you pay the interest on an inheritance you may never get, as she has control over what goes in her will. You've paid well over the odds for a mere 25% share in that property imo, which is probably the real reason why she doesn't want you to buy her out!

roundaboutthetown Fri 18-Dec-15 14:26:55

Seems to me, you enabled her to make a profitable investment with trustworthy, reliable tenants to boot!

CurlyhairedAssassin Fri 18-Dec-15 14:36:19

Why is she paying the bills? Even if you were renting from her the bills would still in your name. I don't get it. You should be keeping the bills and actual house ownership completely separate. Mortgage should be affordable at 500 a month for you to pay yourself - I think you should have just stuck at her Paying 75% of the deposit and work it out from there. If you're paying the full mortgage each month then YOU will own the house eventually and all you would owe her is her share of the deposit. Except it sounds like it's all in her name so you won't own any of it.


It sounds an absolute financial mess and a ticking time bomb as far a family fall-outs go.

ShebaShimmyShake Fri 18-Dec-15 14:42:25

Sorry, I also don't understand why she owns 75% of the property. Yes, she put down most of the deposit but you're paying her more than the mortgage each month (the extra £300 must more or less cover the bills? She can't be putting in that much on top of it, surely) and by the time it's paid off you'll have covered far more of the cost than she has. So how has this happened? Because the mortgage has always been in her name despite her paying less than a quarter of the overall cost of the house and almost nothing for bills?

That's controlling in the extreme and very worrying. Financial abuse often masquerades as generosity.

CurlyhairedAssassin Fri 18-Dec-15 14:46:17

OP, it's just dawned on me. Did she actually borrow her share of the deposit, rather than just pay it from savings or whatever? There's something wierd going on if you're covering the mortgage and bills each month but she's STILL moaning about having to fork out for you. All I can think of is that she is repaying a loan of some sort - is it the 60k deposit?!

roundaboutthetown Fri 18-Dec-15 15:05:52

Curlyhaired - the £60k deposit she doesn't want her dd to pay back?! I think not! She is clearly acting in her own interests, not those of her dd.

Werksallhourz Fri 18-Dec-15 15:30:39

I am somewhat confused by your financial arrangement, op.

The monthly mortgage payments are £500, and you pay £300 towards this. You also pay "some of the bills".

Yet you also pay her £800 a month. Why?

I am also confused as to why you are paying her all this money and yet your share of the house is still 25%.

Again, with £80,000 down and a mortgage of £141K, I would expect a monthly mortgage payment of between £550 to £650 a month. Monthly bills, I would suggest, could come in around £300 to £400 (utilities and council tax).

Something doesn't seem right here.

Rockingaround Fri 18-Dec-15 16:09:53

Hi OP I echo the above posters,not crap with numbers but I've figured this : if she has 75% and you 25% with a repayment of £500 per month why don't you just pay a quart = £126 then pay your own bills? That would definitely work out cheaper for you. It does seem really bizarre that you're giving her £800 for a quart share of a mortgage. You're basically paining all of the mortgage and most of the bills, realistically how much more than £400 are your bills? I would put the bills in my name and pay a quarter of the mortgage. Is this realistic all? I'm confused?

Additionally she sounds like such a victim, and that would wear me down, paying bills and raising a family is hard enough without that type of martyr pulling at your heart strings all of the time! 🌸 for u OP xx

Rockingaround Fri 18-Dec-15 16:10:43

Sorry meant to say I am crap with numbers!

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