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To not be responsible mum this one time?

(18 Posts)
MsMommy Fri 18-Dec-15 10:43:24

DD Yr 6 has been unwell with a cold this week. Not ill enough not to go to school but headaches and sore throat. She got invited to a sleepover tonight. I thought I'd wait to see how she is this morning and cold-wise she's ok, but she had a terrible night being awake (she thinks) from 4.15 - 5.30am. Tonight she's got an out of school activity which will be quite physical and she'll be getting in late - getting on for 10pm. Normally I would just pack her straight off to bed.
The sleepover friend is doing the activity too. She's a very sweet girl and they play really nicely together and live nearby. They got close in summer and spent a lot of time together.
This has upset DD's former best friend who has suddenly sort of cut DD out of her life and now has a new best friend. Both DD and sweet girl have been best friends of this girl and both been very hurt by her. Fickle friend is also going to the thing tonight with new BF and they are having a sleepover which has been talked about A LOT.
The juvenile in me really wants to give DD and sweet girl their sleepover so they can put a metaphorical two fingers up at fickle friend.
Responsible mum says, no she really needs the best sleep she can get, not staying up til midnight, she's not a great sleeper at the best of times, we need to help her get well and fit for Christmas, they can have a sleepover any number of other times over the holidays.
Juvenile mum says, let it go this once, she can have a rest after school before she goes out and catch up on sleep next week and it would be fab for her and sweet friend to be able to feel good about themselves and their friendship tonight and thumb their noses at fickle friend.
AIBU to let her go even if she is exhausted tonight / tomorrow?

fortifiedwithtea Fri 18-Dec-15 10:53:02

YANBU to let her go if she is well enough not to be giving off cold virus. You don't want to ruin anyone else's Christmas with illness. She'll have plenty of time to get over tiredness before Christmas.

YABU - to let her go to a sleepover with the intension of hurting the feelings of another friend. Makes you sound nasty.

Dameshazaba Fri 18-Dec-15 10:58:10


MsMommy Fri 18-Dec-15 11:16:27

It's not about wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. Except their feelings have been hurt quite a lot and they are having their noses rubbed in this girl's new friendship and the sleepover she's having tonight with new BF.
You know what it's like to feel that pang when someone tells you they're off to a party with a mutual friend and you haven't been invited. I know both these girls have felt that this week with ex BF and it would be nice to make them feel good about their own friendship and to give them something to feel excited about together.
But I do recognise my reasons are a bit petty. Just sometimes I get tired of good guys coming last you know?
And she should probably just come home and get some sleep in her own bed.
Jeez, why are the simplest decisions so hard sometimes?
I just think sometimes I really need to lighten up a bit. I am generally a very strict party poopery mum who is firm on bedtimes and things. I thought I'd see if others thought this one time I should go against the grain and let her have fun even if she is tired. I think maybe I'm overthinking it.

drinkyourmilk Fri 18-Dec-15 11:21:24

Can the sleepover be rescheduled for tomorrow night?
Even if it means holding it at your place.

Enjolrass Fri 18-Dec-15 11:25:48

Personally I would let her go.

But, you wanting to stick 2 fingers up at the other girl is wrong. Metaphorically or not.

Kids are fickle and you may find you dd doing this in future. She may have done already and you just don't know.

Dipankrispaneven Fri 18-Dec-15 11:26:30

I'm with juvenile mum. She'll have plenty of time to rest over the weekend.

And I definitely don't read this as you intending to hurt former friend. If anything, it's just a matter of showing her that neither your daughter nor her nice friend are dependent on former friend to have fun.

ditsygal Fri 18-Dec-15 11:28:05

I would let her go, there's plenty of time to catch up on sleep before Christmas now.

MsMommy Fri 18-Dec-15 11:38:31

Thanks. I'm genuinely not trying to be hurtful and I would never encourage DD to be either. She's not spiteful at all and is very empathetic, always puts others first, but that does mean her own heart tends to get a bit trampled.
So the two fingers thing is just me feeling protective I guess. I know it's petty and unseemly. I'll try and do better! ;)
They're not 'not' friends with former BF, but then again DD was telling me this morning how former BF blanked her yesterday when she said hello. She did call her on it but got a pretty grouchy response.
To be fair it could be rescheduled for any number of other times. I talked my dilemma over with her this morning and she was trying to be sensible saying she would do it another time but she was really disappointed at the thought of it, and I thought maybe just this once I could loosen up a bit and let her go even if it's not the most sensible thing to do.
We'll be seeing former BF on the Saturday and it would be nice if they could both talk about their sleepovers as opposed to DD just having to listen to former BF talk about all the fun she had with new BF.

G1veMeStrength Fri 18-Dec-15 11:48:51

I think you have a case of FODDMO. Fear of DD Missing Out.

I am sure she would cope with the sleepover - don't cancel it due to illness. But don't have it just for the sake of the friendship issues. Trying to outsleepover each other won't help anyone.

MsMommy Fri 18-Dec-15 11:52:06

That is very true.

DanishBlue Fri 18-Dec-15 11:54:20

I think you are in for much more heartache if you are getting involved in something as trivial as this when they are in year 6, just wait until they are in year 8 onwards ... whoa have you got a shock coming!

This will be your life now on and off until your DD is err about 16?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Fri 18-Dec-15 11:58:16

Former best friend's point of view might be that she feels left out because your daughter and this other girl have 'gone off together'. She might be flaunting this new friendship / ignoring them as a form of self-preservation to pretend that she's not bothered.

I know it's hard but try to stay out of the politics of children's friendships. They can usually work stuff out for themselves. I'm a primary school teacher and a mum and I've seen it all. Parents usually get more wound up / distressed (and I'm guilty of it too!) than the children ever do!

MsMommy Fri 18-Dec-15 12:14:29

I know Danish! Kill me now!

I do stay out of it. I'm sure you're right that the cause of this is former BF's nose being bent out of joint. She was out of the country in the summer when the girls started spending time together, but back in school they were BFs until former BF suddenly decided to start spending time with this other girl. It's fine and they all get on still, but DD has shed tears over it. She has very romantic notions about her friendships and is generally quite thin skinned.

Anyway, sll the background politics is beside the point really. I shouldn't have introduced my own pettiness to the equation. It was more about let her have the sleepover against by better judgement this once, or be grumpy mum who makes her come home to bed.

Thanks for all your insights. Much appreciated. fsmile

theycallmemellojello Fri 18-Dec-15 13:39:53

Ok read what you've written: "The juvenile in me really wants to give DD and sweet girl their sleepover so they can put a metaphorical two fingers up at fickle friend... and thumb their noses at fickle friend."

You are planning to organise your DD's social life so you can get at a 10/11 year old girl. In fact, not only that, but you want to hurt this girl's feeling so much that you're willing to do what you feel is not best for your DD's well-being in order to do it. Oh yes, and your DD and her friend are going to be the weapons used to hurt the other girl.

Erm. Yes, that is quite startlingly unreasonable.

Mistigri Fri 18-Dec-15 14:13:45

If she's well enough to do school + a physical activity she's well enough for a sleepover surely?

She's old enough to decide for herself if she wants to go, and if she's tired tomorrow then she has two weeks to recover smile

MsMommy Sat 19-Dec-15 01:09:51

Get a grip callmejello I explained all the stuff behind the two fingers and admitted my pettiness in that.
She went on the sleepover. They had a great time and apparently went to bed at a reasonable time.
Early night tomorrow tho methinks.

GreatFuckability Sat 19-Dec-15 01:31:26

I agree with magic, its quite possible the former bf feels left out. I still remember how upset I was when my two best friends started spending time with each other a lot and excluding me.

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