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Friends DH is a jerk- Social situations

(19 Posts)
Sunbeam1112 Thu 17-Dec-15 16:41:52

Me and my friend have known each over 17years since school. We are fairly close although i know she has a tendancy to talk about others. Our group know this. She was maid of honour at our wedding and had been talking to one of my brothers when her obnixous husband was jealsous asked my brother if he was the welsh one or the smackhead brother

( ODB 12years had a problem with drugs which my friend at the time was aware of. I want to add he has been clean for the last 12years. Has a home,partner and job)

It was actually the younger brother he spoke to who told me this. Had it not been the wedding my brother would of smacked him.

Ironically friends husband has abit of a cocacine problem. I was also informed he has been in car snorting coke at our wedding. He is horrible person he was only invited to the wedding due to him being my friends DH. He has previously attended DD christening in trackies and has no real respect for his wifes friends.

He is all competiting with people over material things weddings, furniture etc. My brother only recently told me about this incident when we visited him and the wedding was 18month ago. I feel tempted to say something to my friend, especially as she is now throwing her DH a 30th birthday party and we don't want to attend anything to do with him. It would be different if it was one of the kids or her own celebrations but i just can't bare the bloke and don't think i could stop myself from saying something.

I spoken to our mutal friend and she can't understand why our friend would even meantion my brothers past given how long ago it was and she wouldnt of even thought to meantion it. So its clear shes been talking about my family.

Sunbeam1112 Thu 17-Dec-15 16:43:19

* Should be 12years ago*

Spilose Thu 17-Dec-15 16:55:44

He is a rude obnoxious twunt but you'd sound ridiculous bringing it up 18 months later.

Dontforgetmyfries Thu 17-Dec-15 16:56:40

Aren't you just as bad by discussing her and her husband behind her back with a mutual friend?

If you don't want to go then don't ... but be prepared to potentially lose a friend over it.

GloopyGhoul Thu 17-Dec-15 16:58:50

I am in a similar position - of the small group of friends of 20 years, one has a husband who is roundly disliked by all (the rest rub along well enough with most IYSWIM).

Friend's husband is ignorant, rude, feckless, and possesses a misplaced superiority complex. However I choose to say nothing, be civil and even friendly, as I love my friend and don't wish to make her uncomfortable. Another friend has singled this couple out, and not invited them to her wedding next year. I suspect this will weaken the friendship somewhat.

I guess what I'm saying is that you have to weigh your tolerance level against how strongly you want to maintain a relationship with your friend.

DangerMouth Thu 17-Dec-15 17:01:17

What's your AIBU confused

I have a friend I've known forever whose DP is an utter cockhead. I love my df so l pretend he's not. But fuck me l deserve an Oscar for my performance around the knobhead him.

Sunbeam1112 Thu 17-Dec-15 17:01:21

Not really i confined in my friend over what my DB had told me and asked advice on if i should speak to her about her DH behaviour. I really annoyed that he would be disprectful towards my family especially at an important occassion. My friend is expecting us to be going to the party which we dont want to go to my point is what do we say to the invite.

Yellowbird54321 Thu 17-Dec-15 17:20:09

Your friends DH was out of order saying that, but I do think the time to say anything about it has passed now. If I were you I'd make an excuse not to go to the party rather than upset your friend with the truth about why you don't want to go, she may realise this is what you have done, but that's okay, these are the games people play to avoid conflict.

Obviously if you don't mind about (or actively want) the conflict then tell your friend the real reason you're not going, or go and say something in retaliation to her DH then come back and tell us what happened

LizKeen Thu 17-Dec-15 17:36:32

I find it odd that you seem to be shocked that people talk. Don't get me wrong, the husband sounds like a huge cock for bringing it up, but you really think your friend talking to her husband about your family is unusual, or some kind of betrayal?

People talk. Or so I thought any way. Or am I just paranoid?

Duckdeamon Thu 17-Dec-15 17:41:15

YANBU to not attend - seems like the situation calls for a lie about some other plans!

People talk to their H's about stuff. Not much point in bringing it up so long after.

Your brother would have been VU to have assaulted friend's husband: wft is that about?

mintoil Thu 17-Dec-15 17:57:02

Erm , just say you can't go, you have another commitment.

MatildaTheCat Thu 17-Dec-15 17:59:10

If you want to keep your friend say nothing. Decline the party and avoid any situation that involves him by all means but if you say to someone that you dislike their dh it makes for a kind of awkward situation pretty much impossible for her to stay friends with you.

Sunbeam1112 Thu 17-Dec-15 18:19:40

Lizkeen its not so much she spoke about my family history although its odd it would be brought up given this was 12years ago. My main issue is the rudeness to try and be disrectful and cause drama. In a way atleast it wasn't the brother who did have drug issues.

Im frustrated as i wish i had been told at the time. My DF keeps meantioning her DH party. I feel i can't go and pretend to civil to such a prick. I'l have to think of agood excuse why we can't go. We can't use childcare as she said the kids were welcome.

Duckdeamon Thu 17-Dec-15 19:43:46

It's easy to think of an excuse. Especially with MNet for ideas!

She wasn't to know he'd be a prick like that!

Duckdeamon Thu 17-Dec-15 19:45:17

Or perhaps she does know what he's like but wasn't/isn't going to leave him. Either way she'll probably have to deal with people avoiding them.

Sunbeam1112 Thu 17-Dec-15 19:58:58

Please feel free to give me some excuses. She was there when he said it. Maybe she was embrassed and gave him a good telling off. I would hate it if my DH did this so i know its difficult for her. My other friend and her DP weren't keen on him. As i meantioned hes very materilistic and always got to compete with others. My DH can't bear him and often has had to put him in his place on occassions.

CorydonFrills Fri 18-Dec-15 00:00:20

You don't need an excuse.

"So sorry, we can't make it. Hope you have a lovely time."

annandale Fri 18-Dec-15 00:02:54

'Ah, I'm so sorry, we've got a family thing, my mother has picked that weekend of all the ones she could have picked. There's no way we can make it'.

Farandole Fri 18-Dec-15 00:56:11

'I'm busy'.

It works surprisingly well.

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