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To have not allowed stbex to take the dc to school today?

(52 Posts)
thinkingmakesitso Thu 17-Dec-15 11:39:31

He still comes to mine when I go to work on a Monday and Tuesday as well as picking them up and bringing them back there on those days as well. He did this every day for a year after moving out, but I have now made my own arrangements for Weds, Thurs am and Fri to cut down on the amount of time he has to spend on my house (has nowhere suitable to take them) and to ensure he is not seen as primary carer for divorce- he was sahp before we split.

This morning he turned up as we were about to leave for CM, claiming he had forgotten. I think he meant it as he does forget stuff and he was really irritable - as if annoyed with himself. I told him to leave, he said to just text the CM but I was not prepared to do that - not fair on her or the dc to disrupt the routine.

Cue ds1 crying that he is so tired and doesn't want to rush out to the CM's. Ex told me it was my fault and it's not fair on the dc, and then he left. Ds continued to cry and I had to let the CM know and drop him off upset.

It was awful. Although they were basically fine before ex turned up, both dc had already been moaning about having to leave the house earlier on my days than ex's, with ds2 telling me he doesn't like me for this reason.

I feel shit now, and am questioning whether I did the right thing. Not only that, I am scared ex will use this in the divorce proceedings and claim they would be better off with him - though I know he doesn't want them full time, but I do think he will use it against me to upset me. I know I need to stop him coming to the house, but I am waiting for mediation in the NY to discuss it - it was bad enough last time I changed the arrangements and I don't want to do it on my own again.

I am dreading going home tonight as he will be there and considering staying in work late and not taking ds2 to ballet (the reason we both need to be around tonight ideally) . But that will also make me feel guilty, despite ds already saying he doesn't want to go this week anyway. Also dreading Christmas as ex will spend the day with us.

Anyway, WIBU not to let him take them?

Helmetbymidnight Thu 17-Dec-15 11:42:56

This sounds really stressful. flowers

I think you did the right thing. You can't mess the cm around- that's not fair.

Take it easy today.

cestlavielife Thu 17-Dec-15 11:46:31

if he was sahp, why should he not have the dc fifty fifty? why cant you say you jointly primary carers? of course, he needs to have his own place to have them.

was he planning to be with them at your house in stead of them going to CM? have they finished school already? i think if they had finished school already i might have just left them with ex if DC enjoy being with him. clearly you cant continue to have ex in your house with them it's confusing for dc. will other family be there for christmas to keep a lid on any tempers?

mommy2ash Thu 17-Dec-15 11:57:22

I don't see how it benefits the kids to get up earlier to go to a childminders when their dad is happy to take them. I agree he needs his own place to have them. Things shouldn't be made harder on them to manipulate the outcome of your divorce. Wanting to stay late at work and miss ballet because of this is odd

thinkingmakesitso Thu 17-Dec-15 12:00:00

They get up early anyway - including the weekends. They don't want to leave the house because ex lets them watch unlimited screens before they go and that is what they would like to do on my days as well.

nutellacrumpet Thu 17-Dec-15 12:04:45

YABU and selfish. You are bunging your kids in childcare instead of letting their (seemingly) loving father have them? You sound bitter and trying to score points against him. It is women like you that give others going through divorce a bad name. Grow up and think about your children.

Helmetbymidnight Thu 17-Dec-15 12:06:03

No one wants their ex over every morning and afternoon just because he can't sort himself out after one year.
Your doing the right thing.

Helmetbymidnight Thu 17-Dec-15 12:07:53

What kind of father can't sort himself out a home for his dc after one year?

A fabulous one!! (Not)

Ipigglemustdie Thu 17-Dec-15 12:11:20

Drip incoming?

rainydaygrey Thu 17-Dec-15 12:15:19

I don't think you were BU.

If you are who I think you are, you have been more than reasonable with your ex and he just keeps pushing and pushing.

He just showed up randomly; he's the one upsetting the kids, not you.

I also don't think it's fair to the CM to mess him/her around for no real reason.

It's impossible for you to get on with your life with your ex hanging around in your space all the time. It would be fine if you were happy with it, but the thing is that you're not. You've given him plenty of time to get his act together. If you continue, he will just keep on like this. It may be best for the children, but it's also best for the children to have a mother who's not being stressed out in her own home the whole time.

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 17-Dec-15 12:19:23

YABU and selfish. You are bunging your kids in childcare instead of letting their (seemingly) loving father have them? You sound bitter and trying to score points against him. It is women like you that give others going through divorce a bad name. Grow up and think about your children

So even after they have seperated and divorced she should expect to have to allow him free access to her house so he can for fill his 50% and not wanting to do so makes her selfish and giving women a bad name.

What a load of rubbish

Branleuse Thu 17-Dec-15 12:21:05

fucking hell. He was the SAHP and now youve decided to just not let him have them on days hes perfectly able to.

You should be offering 50/50 at least, not using them as a pawn. Why would you rather a CM had them than him?
He needs to get his housing sorted out, but thats beside the point

Oakmaiden Thu 17-Dec-15 12:22:50

" to ensure he is not seen as primary carer for divorce- he was sahp before we split."

This makes you unreasonable. He was the primary carer - changing that for no-ones benefit but your is VERY unreasonable.

Oakmaiden Thu 17-Dec-15 12:24:01

He does need to sort out a place he can take them, rather than coming to yours though.

OfaFrenchmind2 Thu 17-Dec-15 12:24:49

Are you working OP? Was he the primary carer before the divorce?
It is important to know that, as if it is the case, he should have the family home and be the one to take care of the children, no?

Oakmaiden Thu 17-Dec-15 12:27:17

"So even after they have seperated and divorced she should expect to have to allow him free access to her house" I don't think they are divorced yet, though. It sounds like the op has stayed in the family home with the children, and the stbx (who was also the primary carer) has moved out. Presumably there will be a splitting of assets when the divorce happens which will allow him to get a more suitable accommodation for the children. Although, strictly speaking, as primary carer, he should probably have stayed in the family home and the op should have moved out. Anyway - not our business, really, that.

thinkingmakesitso Thu 17-Dec-15 12:29:30

I have had another long thread on the primary carer aspect and what that entails. He himself admitted he does not see himself as one, and never did, but he could be seen as one just due to the before and after school care. It is not beside the point that he has not sorted out accommodation - it is very much part of the point. He does not want to spend any money on them; he wants access as when he wants, but at my place/expense.

Where have I said I'm not offering 50%? I will be, when we get to mediation, but I'm pretty sure he won't want it, and he can't have it until he has somewhere to take them, because I can't cope with him being around me that much eating my food, pretending he's dad of the year.

thinkingmakesitso Thu 17-Dec-15 12:31:21

He chose to move out after his infidelity. I begged him to stay but he wanted 'a break'.

RudeElf Thu 17-Dec-15 12:38:06

I dont understand the need for childminder and to prove he is not primary carer (when he really was prior to separation!) there is a parent willing and able to provide the care for them but you are obstructing it. To manipulate the residency ruling upon divorce! He definitely needs to sort his own place however as the SAHP i dont understand why he didnt remain in the marital home witj the DC as usually happens with SAHMS. If he hasnt been working so as to look after DC and he is now homeless with no job and doesnt even have the children to house he is very unlikely to be able to get somewhere to live even with council help. He's in a pretty impossible situation.

Twinklestein Thu 17-Dec-15 12:40:38

The quality of replies on this thread is patchy OP, don't pay any heed to the people who don't get it.

It's ridiculous he hasn't sorted out his living arrangements after a year, and wants access to the children at your house. Particularly as he's the one that cheated.

Of course you can't cope being around him. You need to see him as little as possible and he needs to stop taking the piss.

Philoslothy Thu 17-Dec-15 12:41:11

I am sure there is more to this but yabu. It must be tough to go from being a SAHP to having to fit in with your times.

Philoslothy Thu 17-Dec-15 12:43:29

I agree that he should sort his own place but it is not always that easy. When DH split from his ex he was living in a tiny bedsit whilst she rightly kept the family home. He usually saw his son in the family home , that paved the way for a harmonious split.

Twinklestein Thu 17-Dec-15 12:43:36

You don't understand why OP doesn't want her ex to qualify as primary carer? Really? Particularly as he doesn't want them full time.

Twinklestein Thu 17-Dec-15 12:44:16

That was to RudeElf^

SusanIvanova Thu 17-Dec-15 12:45:06

YANBU. He's a prick.

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