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to ask at what point does this relationship not benefit the child

(11 Posts)
mommy2ash Thu 17-Dec-15 09:30:38

A relative of mine is a drug addict and I wish I could say had some redeeming features but is generally an unpleasant abusive person to all those around him. He has recently been proven to be the father of a two year old through court ordered DNA testing. The mum is adamant he has a relationship with the child as her other kids have with their dad. He has met the child twice and both times been out of it on drugs. Other film members agree with her and think as long as he is there when she calls ( she calls to him no effort on his part) she should persist to ensure the child knows her dad. I'm horrified that this poor innocent child is being subjected to this man high on drugs all for the sake of genetics. Would you continue down this road if it were your child? At what point would you think enough is enough and cut your losses

Paintedhandprints Thu 17-Dec-15 09:33:27

Er yanbu.
Is the mother just after maintenance payments though? Not sure why the child would need contact though. But what can you do about it?

mommy2ash Thu 17-Dec-15 09:39:24

She doesn't want money just wants them to see each other. Its completely her decision and I'm not going to involve myself. Neither will I be around while this is happening as I think it is so wrong. Just wondering where people draw the line

MoMoTy Thu 17-Dec-15 09:41:47

In situations like these I don't see the benefit to the child. He doesn't seem to be remotely interested and what good parent needs to be forced into being one. Perhaps she's trying to make herself feel better about the choices she has made.

mommy2ash Thu 17-Dec-15 09:49:31

God point maybe that's it. I don't see these forced meetings going on forever

TheCrimsonPleb Thu 17-Dec-15 09:49:41

I can't see any benefit for the child as long as the father is out of it. Its no fun seeing your parent pissed or high and being unable to communicate with them. I remember being out with my cousin and seeing her father, my uncle, passed out drunk on a bench in the park. It's very depressing and damaging. I am sure the mother in this case means well but she is being very naive.

coldcom Thu 17-Dec-15 10:00:10

The child has a right to know where they come from and to develop a relationship with their father. Children who are insecure about their natural parentage and heritage tend to grow up with low self esteem leading to emotional and behavioural problems later on. When a parent is struggling the best way to look out for children is to support the parent in their difficulties rather than be critical of them.

hiddenhome2 Thu 17-Dec-15 10:25:18

She should have chosen a more suitable father I suppose. Shame for the kid though. It'll all fizzle out at some point.

mommy2ash Thu 17-Dec-15 10:37:51

Cold com there is only so much support you can give before it becomes enabling. Having grown up in a situation of poverty alcohol abuse and never being a parents priority I would have much rather have had one good parent

Euripidesralph Thu 17-Dec-15 10:54:46

The thing is having seen large amounts of it I can say a child being exposed to ab active addicts behaviour will suffer far far worse learned behavioural responses than a child who is not allowed access

OP I completely agree. .. It really genuinely worries me the obsession in society that being genetically related takes precedence over healthy role modelling , not just in addiction but where a family member is psychologically toxic they are often allowed to do great damage in the name of knowing their blood or genetically related family members

I have no idea where this microfocus comes from as it seems so illogical

I often here people say "but it's family" and I genuinely don't understand under what logic that trumps appropriate safety and role modelling for children

mommy2ash Thu 17-Dec-15 11:45:08

I agree following on from my earlier post my childhood was chaotic and as far back as I can remember I was forced to take on a caring role for not only the other kids in my family but my parents as well. The residual effect of this is I feel a huge emotional duty to continue caring for them as an adult and none of them see the toll it takes on me. It's something I have been very careful to avoid my dd witnessing and I'm very honest with her about the failings of adults including myself. It's a cycle I would like to stop and I guess I feel sad for this little girl sitting there with a stranger who can't form words never mind a connection with her. He may have fathered her but being a dad is a whole other kettle of fish

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