to think DP has totally missed the point about why I'm upset?(48 Posts)
I am working away this Christmas, will be away for about a week. Not ages and ages but obvious will miss DP while I'm away.
Dp currently has 2 jobs, one regular and another that is part time, and organised so that he does the second job fairly sporadically whenever he has a day off from his regular job.
I asked DP if he would be around to take me to the airport on the day I leave, as I know he has a day off from his regular job on that day. He says no and that he has arranged to work at 'second job' on that day. I asked if it was possible for him to go in just a little later than normal (half day) and he got a bit funny with me, saying that he wasn't prepared to lose a day or half a day's wage just to take me to the airport.
My issues with this are:
He is already working so many hours over this Christmas period that I've hardly seen him for weeks and won't get to see him properly until the beginning of January
We aren't on the poverty line, in fact we don't really need the extra income from the second job (he mainly took it on for the experience factor) so losing the wage from that day isn't that important
He has a long commute to the second job so if he doesn't take me I will only get a brief goodbye as he rushes out the door.
The fact he can't take me to the airport isn't the issue, although I suspect he thinks that is why I'm upset, but rather the fact that I haven't seen him properly in weeks and he has arranged an extra day of work that he doesn't really need on a day he should have had off so we could spend some time together before I leave. Aibu to think he is missing the point and just doesn't get why I'm upset? Aibu for being upset at all?
Have you specifically told him why you're upset? If not then yabu
He has a long commute to the job, a job jes already agreed and planned to do. You, justifiably I have to say, want him to take you to the airport and then go?
Thing is, that means him changing his plans with his employer, who may or may not be reliant on him, then drive you to the airport, have a big farewell when you're only going for a week any way, then to drive his long commute to his job.
I can see why you're upset, but I think I can see why he doesn't want to / can't do it etc.
How often do you travel for work?
I have said to him that it isn't the fact that he doesn't want to take me, as I can make my own way to the airport if necessary, but it's the fact he knew he had a day off, which he hasn't had in ages and which would enable me to actually see him before I go..and then arranged to go into work anyway that's upsetting me.
He doesn't seem to get this really, he says that because I go away regularly that I basically can't complain but I don't get a choice in whether I go or not he does!
I get that you're upset but I think YABU. He's already agreed to work it and I assume changing his plans would now put other people out? I don't think your lack of seeing him argument really works either, it's not like you can enjoy a leisurely day together. Maybe book sometime off in the new year and make some nice plans to look forward too then?
And as a pp says, he's not a mind reader.
Sounds like a clash of "Deals"
It's a big deal to you and not to him.
He's probably figuring that you go away a fair amount, he'll see you in a week anyway, you can get yourself to the airport etc, he may as well work instead of sitting alone or what have you. Iyswim.
The thing is, if you're going to the airport, he's going to take that time out only to spend a chunk of the day on his own, and another chunk which is just driving you so you won't exactly be relaxing together. Put that into the mix with the fact that he's committed himself to working, and I can understand his thinking.
maybe you can cancel your trip so that you can see more of each other
I'd focus more on the fact you don't get much time together ask when he's next got a day off and arrange something nice so he doesn't arrange work. It might be worth a conversation about the second job is it still for experience or does he enjoy it? Do you get much time off and prioritise him when you can? Make sure it's fair both ways.
Did he arrange to work before he knew about your trip? Because if so, most employers wouldn't take kindly to people agreeing to work and cancelling last minute, especially this time of year.
If not, you should have asked him when your trip was arranged, not waited until now.
He loves the second job, he hates the first job but at the moment has to do it because the second job is only part time and he can't afford to live on just the part time wage. Eventually he hopes to get enough experience in the second job that his employer will take him on full time and he can stop the first job. I totally get this and I understand that this is a good plan for him.
He knew about my trip months ago and didn't book this day of work till 2/3 weeks ago so he knew about my trip first. I'm not expecting him to cancel at all, I know he has booked to go into work on that day now and I'll just have to suck it up.
I suppose it just that I'm sick of feeling like work is his priority. He is a bit of a workaholic, which in a way is one of the things I like about him but it does get annoying some times
As another example, he's booked time off in January, when he knows I can't take time off, and he's arranged to work at the second job through part of the holiday. So I still won't get to see him! I have holiday coming up that I need to take off before the end of the tax year and because he's taking his holiday in January it means that when I take my holiday I'm just going to be sat at home with nothing to do because he'll be at work.
Just annoyed that he doesn't seem to think of me in his decision making
If you think about it very logically, it makes some sense. He has a day off from the job he hates. He can work at the job he loves. You're going away so you're "busy" anyway. You'll be packing/travelling/waiting at the airport. He can be doing the job he loves and being paid.
With regards to the rest of your holidays, that's a bit more unusual. So he has time off from Job A in January but will work Job B at least some of the time? I suppose it wouldn't matter if you were off at the same time then, because he'd be going out to work anyway.
I wouldn't just sit at home when you take time off though. He sounds a lot more independent than you are. Follow his example and book time off for when you want it, and the fill the time yourself. If you can see him or he can get some time off too, great. If you can't, you've got plans anyway. He doesn't appear to be at the stage yet when he wants to be so in sync, so it's probably not that he's purposefully not thinking of you, just that you're not at the same stage.
Is this a fairly new relationship?
Going in a bit later so that he can take you to the airport seems like a good compromise (providing it won't count against him?). I can completely understand why you're hurt/disappointed. Sounds like you maybe need to sit down for A Chat to make sure you're both on the same page?
I think you need to sit down and talk about making time to see each other in general. I think YABU to complain about not seeing him at Christmas as it is you who is going away for a week.
I think you are both at a point when your careers are your priority.
DH and I both travel for work but when we are here we try and prioritise family time. so YANBU to want time with your DP.
However YABU to think that when I take my holiday I'm just going to be sat at home with nothing to do because he'll be at work. If I had a week off I would easily fill the time without DH!
I agree with Barbarian.
You should talk to him about spending time together in general and make a plan for holidays and how to make the best use of the time you can get.
Driving to the airport is hardly quality time together and he'd have to drive back by himself after losing half a day. If he has to drive a while to his 2nd job, is it then worth even doing half a day?
And if you miss him that much, then maybe support him in having a proper go at the second job and dropping the first?
In any case, be proactive and keep talking to him. Don't just store resentment.
Yes, we did talk about it last night after we'd both had a chance to think about things.
I don't mind him doing this other job as I know it is the one he really wants to be doing and I know that it will hopefully lead to him being able to give up the job he dislikes in the future. I just don't know how long this is going to take. I know realistically it means I'm going to have to take a backseat while he prioritises work for the time being and that's fine but I just don't want it to always be like that, I want there to be times when work is less of a priority than me.
Barbarian, I know I'm the one going away but he is also working over Christmas (extra pay mainly) so I wouldn't get to see him anyway. Obviously I know its my own doing that I won't be there with him but its still a bit sad for me
I think part of the problem is that I don't have much to do when he isn't around, anchor. I don't have many friends around here as a lot of the people I work with don't live in the same area. Most of the friends I do have are friends of his if you see what I mean. We've been together over 2 years so it isn't a new relationship so to speak.
I think it is hard when you are both working to make friends, especially if you don't live where you work.
Perhaps in the new year you could look at ways to do this so you are not so dependent on your DP for company.
If you want him to be available, because you want to do things together, then you need to tell him this before he sets up his working days.
Especially at Christmas where it would be really difficult for coworkers to drop their plans for their days off if they had to come in to cover. It could be career limiting if someone tried to pull a last minute switch for anything other than emergency.
If you are sad about going away for Christmas, then make yourself a promise that you will never do that again, and on the strength of that promise let yourself enjoy whatever you have planned this year.
In the New Year, look at the underlying issue of not having much else to do when he's not around. It's the time for new starts and new resolutions, and yours could be in the area of taking up new activity (or whatever) that would give you more to do.
Does he work his second job at the weekend? Do you ever spend a whole day, like a Saturday together?
So it sounds like you want to be higher priority to him than work. But you are not.
I don't think nagging or pouting or negotiating is gping to change that. It's who he is. You can accept that or leave but it's unfair to expect him to change his nature to suit you.
If he loves 2nd job why not be happy for him that he was able to arrange an extra day at it?
I am sorry but all I am hearing is me... me... me...
He is as entitled to prioritise his work as you are yours.
You want him to put you first whilst you put your job first - does that seem fair?
It's starting to sound like you want him around because you're bored when he's at work and you're at home.
Can't you find some hobbies or something to do when he's not around? It's a bit like you're relying on him to entertain you which puts him in a difficult position. Could you arrange to meet some work mates for dinner or drinks, or take up a hobby? It doesn't have to involve lots of money or going out - I sew or colour, and I've recently started to play a couple of video games in the evenings when DP is working.
I find it makes the time go by a lot faster and there isn't so much pressure to spend all my time with DP when he's home. He needs time to do what he wants (work, in your case) so you need to find things to do when he's busy without wanting him around all the time.
OP "it means that when I take my holiday I'm just going to be sat at home with nothing to do because he'll be at work. "
this jumped out at me. You are way too dependent on one person for ...well, everything it sounds like. It makes perfect sense to me that he arranged to work on a day you are actually going away, it's not a day he could spent with you anyway. But on top of that, it really sounds like you have nothing to do outside of work.
if he wants to make work a priority, tbh I think he should be allowed to do that. It might make you two a bad match though.
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