To uninvited my MIL from christmas(20 Posts)
My DH and his mother have a contentious relationship as they wind each other up. The last time they saw each other was Mother's Day when he stormed out of the house. She was talking drivel but he also over reacted.
They have been talking in the phone and as usual she's invited for Christmas. She is in her 80's, not great physical health, lives about 90 minutes away and is unable to drive or use public transport. She also has no other family, but does have a reasonable circle of friends.
DH has some mental health issues with anxiety and has also recently had surgery on his shoulder which isn't fully recovered.
DH & MIL have had 2 disagreements on the phone already this week and MIL apparently hinted that maybe she just wouldn't come, DH is now totally wound up and thinks she shouldn't come.
Perhaps it would be better if she didn't come.
It sounds like they just bounce off each other, never actually managing to be civil for long.
I think it would be harsh to withdraw the invitation with just over a week until Christmas Day.
Obviously there are always exceptions but Christmas is a time for family isn't it? At 80 and not in great health who's to say how many she has left?
My mum is 75 and dementia is starting to slowly creep in. She talks drivel at least 50% of the time but she's still my mum.
Maybe there's a lot more to this but I would need a very good reason to leave my elderly mum or MiL on her own on Christmas Day...
You can't withdraw it now it would be hideous. If she chooses not to come then that's different.
Frankly it sounds as if your dp needs to learn to control himself. You can't uninvite an 80 year old in poor health who doesn't appear to have done anything wrong.....
Is keeping it short and sweet an option? I.e. picking MIL up late morning while you or DH makes Christmas lunch and then returning her early evening? A lot of driving but less stressful knowing that only Christmas afternoon spent together. I do think it is too late to uninvite unless MIL chooses not to come.
She has no other family.
It would be heartless to uninvited her now. Christmas is a great time to start afresh.
Tell them both that you expect them to be on their absolute best behaviour as they are spoiling Christmas for everyone else.
When you say talking drivel, and disagreements, what does that mean?
There's a big difference between nattering on about some random rubbish and saying very damaging and hurtful things, for example.
I am tempted to say your DH needs to suck it up and smile sweetly but maybe she's a poisonous old hag...
She doesn't have many (if any ) more Christmases left. I'd tell him to fucking behave himself.
No, you should not disinvite her, that would be awful. But you should probably try to get your DP to work out a strategy with dealing with her that doesn't involve storming out etc. Can you talk it though with him?
That's what Christmas is for isn't it? Being polite to family members you secretly want to strangle.
Of course you can't uninvite her now, so close to the day. It's hard to tell from your OP who the problem lies with though - is MIL purposefully cantankerous or is DH very intolerant of her habits?
I think your DH needs to grow up.
It's one bloody day. And she's his mother. And elderly, and poorly, and alone.
I can't believe all the mumsnet threads about people uninviting family members for Christmas. I mean, really?!
It's one day out of 365. I get the difficulties because I know them and am living this scenario, but if your DH can live with this being her last then fine, don't invite her.
I don't care for Christmas because I think it's complete bollocks. If you care for and love your family throughout the year then it shouldn't be a big deal. But so many people ignore their most needy members of the family for most of the year that they then feel obliged to include them in Christmas celebrations. It's shit. Old people aren't just for Christmas, you know, cantankerous or not. FFS.
Christmas is one day unless people stay over for more days
I would make the effort
We will all be old one day ( if we are lucky to live a long life )
And apparently some of us will become poisonous old hags. Are these the ones who started off as poisonous young hags ?
Apologies in advance here, but why can't people just start GIVING for a change and stop expecting everyone to step in line with what they're doing. When did we get sooo selfish? Why is Christmas about what other people have bought for us, instead of matters about the remaining 364 days??
Shit. So many people and animals suffering ALL YEAR, but WE worry about whether we can spend a few hours with our relatives, who sometimes don't have anyone else to spend it with, cantankerous or not?? I know I would be bloody cantankerous if I was old .
Then again, I expect to be lonely in my old age. Gah.
My ideal Christmas, for what it's worth, would be to find a large holiday cottage (any time of the year, actually - in lieu of Christmas) and book it for a month. Then invite family to come/cross over according to their availability. Let them all hang out and do their own thing. Whether they choose to get along with each other is their choice, but I would be out walking my dog in the mud or snow and be home to cook dinner, whilst slowly getting pissed. Lovely . The remaining time would be <me>, grinning maniacally through the serving hatch whilst congratulating myself on a magical Christmas (for everyone else).
Then I'd book a week in the sun. For me. On my own. DP can go do whatever he wants as long as it's the same week!!
Footle Apparently some of us will become poisonous old hags. Are these the ones who started off as poisonous young hags ?
No. They are the ones who became disillusioned with family life, who expected that they would be treated nicely and with respect until their dying day, just because they'd been nice to other people and didn't always find that it was reciprocal. No one said it would be easy though. If you had children in order to be 'looked after' in your dotage, then think again!
I think that your DP needs to be the bigger person here, unless her words are truly vile and unforgivable. It's possible that she isn't fully in control of what she says (although I appreciate that you only refer to physical - not mental - ill health).
I would not have anyone in my house if it made DH's anxiety worse. Its his home and safe place. MIL has been awol for 40+ years so don't have that problem but Fil is a waste of space. The lack of interest and treatment of DH over the years is one of the causes of DH mental health problems. I don't care if he is on his own at Christmas, you reap what you sow.
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