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AIBU to care about this? and to go through the faff of sorting it out?

(11 Posts)
bettyboo1984 Wed 16-Dec-15 14:54:18

Hi everyone

My DD is 8 months old. her dad is Spanish, I didn't change my name when we got married so her surname is My Surname Dad's Surname (no hyphen). I understand this is very common in Latin-speaking countries.

What is really peeing me off is that a lot of the time people will just drop my name from the surname. Her Dad does it as well sometimes even though I've told him not to. I deliberately kept my surname when we got married and I wanted my daughter to carry my name as well as her Dad's. Her first name is Spanish too so I wanted something of my culture in there.

I'm debating whether to get her name changed by deed poll to have a hyphen. So it would be the same surname but My Surname-Dad's Surname.

Her Dad says he's doesn't know what the fuss is about as she is still 'carrying' my name when people leave it off (albeit hidden) and we can just put a hyphen down when she goes to school etc (not sure that's right though). He said he doesn't care if it's hyphenated or not, as long as I go through the faff of applying via the deed poll etc.

AIBU or making a fuss about nothing? Would you bother?

19lottie82 Wed 16-Dec-15 15:08:49

It's up to you if you think it's worth the "fight". If it's important to you then, Yes, correct them.

Even if people don't use her "full" name all the time, it's still her name.
Personally I wouldn't bother getting it legally changed to include a hyphen, but again, it's your (and her dads choice). However, if you wanted to all have the same family name, wouldn't all three of you have to do this?

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 16-Dec-15 15:10:55

Start just calling her DD's Name Your Surname for balance. If that annoys him, maybe he'll remember. Particularly if you do a lot of the school/medical/shitwork so it's everywere.

araiba Wed 16-Dec-15 15:14:13

if you don't use a hyphen then most people will presume that yoursurname is their middle name and everybody uses only first name and surname.

if it bothers you then you should see what you can do about hyphenating it so that people will know

19lottie82 Wed 16-Dec-15 15:15:16

MrsTP I was going to suggest it, but think it will cause more confusion in the long run and also it seems quite hypocritical.

OP I think your main focus should be with your DH here. He should be using your daughters FULL name ALL the time. You need to come down harder on him when he doesn't, and / or doesn't correct people.

MaidOfStars Wed 16-Dec-15 16:14:00

I thought Dad's first surname was usually the first surname of the child - this is the patriarchal name being maintained.

Consequently, my Spanish friends, when shortened to one single final surname, all appear to use their mother's first surname. Although this would not be the single surname given to their children - that would be the first surname, that given by their father.

If your daughter continues the tradition of giving her first surname to her children, she'll be passing yours on. Good show wink

I far prefer the Spanish system than hyphenating. Could you appeal to your husband to have her name changed to the more traditional HisSurname YourSurname, then yours will be used more naturally?

MrsHathaway Wed 16-Dec-15 17:04:48

When she starts school you'll put both names in the surname field so it'll be obvious she's Petunia Smith Lopez rather than Petunia Smith Lopez.

Lots of people do give surnames as middle names so it's not a daft assumption by strangers. I can see why you're annoyed but I don't think it's worth a deed poll to add a hyphen. Just use it. The only places you'd need to be precise are passports etc which your friends don't see.

Indantherene Wed 16-Dec-15 17:23:27

TBH I don't think the hyphen will help.

We have a db surname - Myname-Hisname. People do exactly the same to us, despite the hyphen. It winds me up no end when people just airily drop my name for any of us, without checking it's OK, especially since we all tend to just go by my bit day to day (incl DH grin )

Enjolrass Wed 16-Dec-15 17:30:44

Dad has a surname as his middle name, he uses it on legal forms.

But no one actually calls him it.

It does seem as though your name may appear as the middle name.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm Wed 16-Dec-15 21:28:52

I think you are making fuss over nothing but then again I am not a fan of any double barrelled names

bettyboo1984 Thu 17-Dec-15 01:19:35

Yeah, you know what I have a horrible feeling that even if I go through all the hassle of changing it, there will always be someone who just says it wrong anyway.

Funnily enough, just after I posted this, the three of us had to make an emergency trip to the hospital with DD- when we got there the doctor called out her name… and left off my husbands surname! ;)

I asked him how he felt about it and he said he wasn't bothered as he has both his Mum and Dads surnames and people in the UK have always got it wrong, left one or the other off etc. He said it only bothers him when people are being blatantly racist (his words) and can't be bothered attempting to pronounce the last name so just leave it off.

I'll have a think but I have a suspicion I may be making a mountain out of a molehill and adding the hyphen won't make any difference. Maybe some people will miss off the Spanish one, some people will miss off the English one- annoying but it's not the end of the world.

Thanks for all the points of view- given me something to think about!

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