Who is BU about this lie in?(55 Posts)
Long term argument in this house-we have two children aged 4 and 2 both bad sleepers, the two year old still wakes during the night.
In 4 years of parenthood my husband has put the children to bed a handful of times, that's fine he works long shifts and is either not home to do it or has just walked through the door. He's also never got up in the night to settle them mainly because I breastfed them and because I'm a sahm but also because he's a miserable badtard when he's tired.
Every morning the kids wake at 6.30 the same time he gets up to get ready for work. He thinks I should get up at this time too and I think I should be able to get an extra half hour in bed as I've had to get up through the night. I don't understand why I need to be up if he is. He doesn't give them breakfast or anything just keeps an eye and ear out while they play, we live in a flat so it's not like he has to run down stairs to keep checking on them.
At the weekend he gets a long lie in on Saturday until about 10 and I'll sleep in until about 8-9 on Sunday (I let home sleep until he wakes naturally, he will come in and ask if I'm getting up).
Not sure if it's relevant but while he works hard once he's home he has the whole evening to relax, dinner is ready when he gets in, most of the housework is done (he might do a load of washing or a bit of washing up) and he doesn't have to do any childcare. He goes to bed early between 9-10 and sleeps the whole night.
So who is BU?
I don't think you need to get up just because it's his time to get up.
Even when both of a couple are working, often they get up at different times anyway, depending on start time, commuting time etc.
What time does he have to leave for work? My DP gets up at 6, same time as DD2 but leaves by 6.45 and needs to shower, get breakfast etc so wouldn't be able to give DD much attention, hence my getting up.
If your DH isn't leaving til 7.30 then I think half an hour with the kids then half an hour to get ready seems ok.
The lay in system on the weekend is fair, I would be happy with that
The lay in system on the weekend is fair, I would be happy with that
Actually, I don't think it is. Why does the DH get to wake naturally yet he chivvies her to get up earlier than he would?!
If I were you I'd start copying him and chivvying him to get up at 8 on Saturdays. He doesn't need 12-13 hours' sleep.
Saturday and Sunday need to be fairer.
If he wakes you up, tell him not to, and if he does it again wake him up at the same time the following Saturday. And keep waking him up until he understands that he isn't being fair.
Personally if I was getting ready for work I'd expect my partner to take care of the kids if they were at home otherwise I'd leave for work feeling really frazzled and stressed. But - I think at the weekend he should do one of the all nights including wake ups and you should both be able to sleep till whenever you naturally wake up. Otherwise it isn't fair.
I say that as a sahm with a 3.5 year old child with autism who sleeps like a newborn and is awake every two hours- dh works full time and we have the above set up.
You don't even get the same lie in time at the weekend and he sleeps more than you during the week.
He leaves for work at 7.30ish and I'm up half an hour before he needs to leave the house.
I'm usually awake when he comes in to ask when I'm getting up at the weekend as I get a headache if I sleep to long but I might be reading a book or on my phone, I don't get much time for my self so I do take it where I can!
When my dh gets up for work he takes the dc downstairs with him and gives them breakfast so I can get half an hours more sleep as I've been up during the night.
He needs to stop waking you up on a sunday. That's out of order. Tell him to not do it again. He sleeps until 10 and he thinks it's ok to come and wake you up? Tell him not to be a dick. I agree with waking him up at the time he wakes you up. He can't complain. If it's ok to do it to you...
Regarding getting up during the week, well, getting ready round the kids is what happens when you're a parent! He can surely cope for 30 bloody minutes. If you were saying he has to get them up, give them breakfast and get him and them ready while you stay in bed until he's gone, then I'd say you should get up. But you're talking 30 minutes. Getting up at 7am. What time does he leave the house?
xpost. ok, well, 30 minutes to get himself ready is plenty.
regarding the lie ins, perhaps in his mind the difference is you're not sleeping? Or if he finds you asleep does he wake you up?
Either way, you need to tell him that you will take until 10am the same as he does and if you are sleeping or relaxing, that is your choice and he is to stop trying to get you up because it's unfair.
Maybe be doesnt equate being in bed reading with having a lie in. So....if I were you I would agree an equal time when you both get to stay in bed until (9.00, 930 or 10.00) regardless of whether you are actually sleeping or reading or looking at your phone without being disturbed. More of a private down time I suppose where you can do what you want, by yourself, until the agreed time.
I had thia with dp. We share the weekend lie ins. He started to come in about 8.30/9am. I growled at him so then he started coming in with coffee as a peace gesture.
So I started doing the same to him complete with ds (18 months at the time) and used to leave ds with him while I jumped in the shower. Then dried my hair, got dressed, put make up on etc. Pretty much made it impossible for him to lie in .
Soon stopped him getting me up on a Sunday.
Wrt the week get ups we also have a rule. If you wake him you take him. But I sort of sympathise with him. It's a lot more stressful getting ready with dcs around. But you are doing the night wakings so that is stressful too. Could you get up a couple of times and have a lie in the others? And a couple of nights he does the night wakings?
I have done being a ft working mother with a sahd and been a sahm too and see both sides. Neither is easy.
Thank you. I have spoken to him about it numerous times but sti we end up with the same row most mornings.
If I wake hime early at the weekend he will get up and doesn't moan but by letting him wake naturally I'm trying to be nice. What he will do is open the door and see I'm awake and then leave it open so the kids start coming in and because I'm awake he won't try and be quiet. Once the kids are in and out the room I'll start getting the are you getting up yet questioning from all 3 of them.
He also just can't seem to settle them at night, they are so used to me being there that on the odd occasion when he had to get up (a few days after I had had my gallbladder removed) they played up for him and he is so miserable and grumpy with them I ended up sorting them out anyway
He mustn't open the door on your lie in day. That's just rotten. Both of you are entitled to a lie in or whatever each.
'If I wake hime early at the weekend he will get up and doesn't moan but by letting him wake naturally I'm trying to be nice.'
Stop that. Do exactly as he does to you. He groans and you tell him he does the same to you.
set a time then. Do not open the door before 10am.
He doesn't need to see if you're awake.
Because he wants you to get up and come and deal with the children.
Tell him to not open the door before 10am. It doesn't matter what you're doing in there. That's irrelevant. He does not need to check if you're awake and pfft to leaving the door open so that the children will come in. That's really shitty of him.
and them playing up for him is a reason for him to do more, not less.
He needs to be a father. Pitch in. Know how to settle his children.
It sounds like he doesn't like being alone with the kids, and must assume that you do. Has he spent much time in sole charge e.g. have you been away for a day/weekend and left him alone with them? If not, it might help to do so. When you're not alone with them much, it is harder and you get ever more reluctant to do your share, pushing them onto the parent they're used to. In a lot of cases that parent puts up with it, especially if it's the mum, and you sound like you've put up with a lot. But he needs to start seeing that 30mins in the morning as his time with the kids and own it, not try to escape. Sure it'll get easier as they get older but you do need to deal with it now. YANBU.
Actually I am think yabu about the weekday mornings. I would be mighty pissed off if dh left me to sort myself and the dcs out while he stayed in bed, as would he if I tried that . Weekends should be equitable of course. But actually you (both )need to sort the dcs night time sleep out.
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