AIBU re Christmas gift for DH

[TathitiPete]

I’m throwing this open to the esteemed Mumsnet jury. AIBU or is it my own bloody fault?

I like to be organised. I like to have Christmas gifts sorted early so I can sit back and relax knowing that it’s taken care of. Some people like the last minute mad dash but I’m a bit too anxious for that. DH and I agreed a budget for each others Christmas presents. But when I asked him for the money he decided that he didn’t want anything. So he wasn’t going to give me any money. Problem is, I’d already bought him something and was relying on him giving me that money back! I do have him two small presents and he says ‘That’s enough’ and he has also requested something else small that I don’t have the money for because of buying him the other thing.

I know that it is my own fault for buying the present before I physically had the money but we live in the middle of nowhere quite a remote area and I was recently in the city for an antenatal appointment so I thought I’d take advantage of that and get his present. I doubt I’ll even be able to return it now as the box has a small rip

AIBU to be quite annoyed that he changed his mind? There’s also the fact that I wanted to get him a nice present. Not sure what to do now. If I give him the present he’ll (naturally) wonder where the money came from. I don’t want him giving out to me on Christmas morning for buying him a present. I could keep it for his birthday but that’s not til May. So far I’ve just been asking him if he’s sure he doesn’t want a present and hoping he changes his mind back. Better ideas welcome.

[RJnomore1]

I don't really understand. Why do you ask him for money?

[dementedpixie]

Why don't you have equal access to the money? I would hate having to ask for money in this manner

[Gliblet]

Honestly? Find a husband who doesn't make you beg for money

Assuming this is, for some reason, something you find perfectly acceptable, hide the present somewhere til May. As long as it's not cheese...

[Kpo58]

Don't you have a joint bank account? Why is your DH controlling access to the money?

[PurpleWithRed]

You don't have access to money, and you aren't able to say to him "I need some money" without him asking you what it's for? And you're pregnant?

[Oysterbabe]

I don't understand why you're asking him for money either.

[SpanglesGalloway]

I'm a bit concerned that you have to ask for money and he will "give out" to you on christmas morning for spending some. How come you need to ask him for the money?

[mamapants]

Don't understand either but why didn't you just say well its too late to change tour mind I've already bought something/ chosen something and now need the money

[Nonidentifyingnc]

You have bigger problems than a present!

For a start, he is the one who changed the terms of the agreement, not you. You have done nothing wrong. You should tell him you bought his gift and that he owes you X amount. If he doesn't pay it, you take the present back to the shop or bin it. You do not give it to him regardless--.

Secondly, you shouldnt be a position of asking him for money. You should have equal access. And any nan who would have a go at you on Christmas morning (or any time) for spending money on his present, is a prick and you should be carefully considering your future!

[MrsPCR]

Either you don't share money, in which case why is DH expected to pay for his own presents?

Or you don't have an income of your own and have to ask DH for money each time?? Or do you have a joint account for joint things?

How have you paid for the present in the first place?

You should not be made to ask DH for money or need to justify your need for money, you are supposed to be equals. How will this work when you have your DC?

[BessieBlount]

Your problem isn't thisChristmas present. It's that you don't have equal access to household funds. And worse still, you are I this situation and having a baby with this man.

[pissedglitter]

He sounds awful!

[TathitiPete]

We also have a 2 year old.

I have a small income which is how I paid for the present in the first place. But a bill that I usually pay is now as yet unpaid. The rest of our income goes to him. He does tend to see it as 'his' rather than 'ours' and doesn't see the need to ask me if he wants a night out or a pair of shoes or signs up for a new hobby.

mamapants I probably should have done that straight away but feel it's too late now.

[Oysterbabe]

Both incomes must go into it joint account that you both can access. Discuss this with him before worrying any more about the present.

[Scarydinosaurs]

You need to have an open and honest discussion about money.

Does he want you to return to work?

[mamapants]

Can you just tell him now, explain you didn't say anything as you wanted it to be a surprise but now you need it for the bill.
And then use it as an opportunity to discuss why it makes sense for you to have access to the money so issues like this can be avoided

[BessieBlount]

You both need access to all money on an equal basis. My DH earns 5x what I earn but it all goes in together to spend as we see fit. He has never ever made me feel as though the bulk of it is his. No decent man would do this.

[TathitiPete]

I do plan to return to work after this baby is born, He doesn't work, he's in adult education.

mamapants I guess that's what I might have to do.

[Kpo58]

Its always best for you to both have a personal account each and a joint one for things like household bills. You would each need to agree how much you should both put into the joint account (either a fixed amount of a percentage of your monthly income).

As it currently stands, how do you know if he is using the money for bills for his own personal gain?

[Youcantscaremeihavechildren]

What are you going to do when you need things for the baby? Or you're out and need to stop for a coffee or just feel like buying yourself something because you've been up all night with a baby and feel like it? Will you have to beg for that money? Because this does not sound normal I'm on mat leave c and I've not had to askeep once about spending, because we share a bank account and my husband trusts me and treats me like an adult.

[BitchPeas]

So he keeps all the benefits you recieve? How small is a your income compared to your outgoings? Who pays for things for your daughter?

[ethelb]

'The rest of our income goes to him.' 'he's in adult education'

Apologies if this is rude, but where does 'the rest' of your income come from if he isn't working.

[Pranmasghost]

If he doesn't work where does the money come from?

[CocktailQueen]

The rest of our income goes to him.' 'he's in adult education'

Apologies if this is rude, but where does 'the rest' of your income come from if he isn't working.

This ^

I'd be sorting out equal access to our money ASAP.

[Canyouforgiveher]

If he doesn't work where is your income coming from and why is it his? Does he have a independent source of income?

My advice would be to sell the present, put the money in a separate account in your own name, add every spare penny you have to that account.

And think long and hard about why it is so difficult for you to buy a present for your husband without skirting lies, worry, borrowing from peter to pay paul etc.

My dh also earns 5 times what I earn but he is also 5 times more likely to ask me if he can spend money than the other way around.