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Where do you stand on this one...

(420 Posts)
Marilynsbigsister Tue 15-Dec-15 17:13:56

I'm not going to NC but will be slightly oblique about circumstances as quite identifying . Two very young 20 yr olds in a relationship. Been together 3 months. Male at Uni but lives at home, female working also living at home. The boy has mentioned to his parents (actually his mum mostly) that cracks are starting to appear because she is keen to move on to the next level and is putting the pressure on to get a flat together and 'settle down'. Boy has told her 'definitely not at the moment' his plans include post graduate study abroad for a couple of years . Anyway, the dilemma.. 2 days after the 'settle down' conversation, there was a contraception failure. Condom split, (apparently it was not just a small tear but from top all way to base. ) Boy has been taught from early on that he must be responsible for his own fertility and insisted on condoms as he is adamant he doesn't want children yet although gf is on the pill. Boy is now beside himself with worry, he begged his gf to go with him to get morning after pill. Gf reaction has been to refuse saying that if she gets pregnant against all these odds then it is meant to be . Boy is the sort to do the right thing. Would give up career goals of he had children to support. I know all the ins and outs because mum is close relative. Mum believes gf is manipulating her son into parenthood because this happened literally a couple of days after discussing settling down. What is the right thing to do if she is pregnant. ? Does he give up his plans and support a child he does not wish to have, took precautions to avoid and made his feelings very clear BEFORE conception. Or does he suck it up, leave Uni and get a job to support the child and learn never again have sex with someone he doesn't want to have a child with. ? For my part I have met the gf a few times so not enough to form an opinion except that she is much more mature than her boyfriend. (My relative is livid and truly believes she 'doctored the condoms - which would be impossible - she is too angry to be logical !)
BTW she was due AF on Monday. Apparently there are pts that are accurate to a few days late so all a bit tense in female relatives household at the moment.

coffeeisnectar Tue 15-Dec-15 17:18:49

If she's on the pill as,well then she should be fine.

Honestly, I think there seems to be too many people interfering (I don't mean you op) in this couple's relationship. The lad needs to do what he wants with his studies and if he's feeling pressured then end the relationship.

I do think parents getting too involved in their kids lives like this causes more issues. He will do what's right for him and so will the girl. Everyone needs to back off and let them sort it out.

Marilynsbigsister Tue 15-Dec-15 17:18:54

Sorry not young 20yr olds, young 20+ yr olds !

LunchpackOfNotreDame Tue 15-Dec-15 17:20:45

He needs to dump her

Birdsgottafly Tue 15-Dec-15 17:21:37

He (or rather they) think long term and staying at Uni, is the best plan long term.

My DD had a unplanned and totally unexpected baby, I've advised her to go to Uni, rather than work.

Babies and very young children don't need that much, it's not great but you can cope with scrapping by, if there's the chance to be earning reasonable money in the future.

He should do all he can to support her and the baby, other than give up Uni.

There should be no judgement on any woman who doesn't want to take the MA pill.

DragonsCanHop Tue 15-Dec-15 17:25:10

I agree with birds

IvyWall Tue 15-Dec-15 17:28:26

Yes I think he should finish his course and get qualified.
It's between him and the gf whether they stay together. Nevertheless if there is a baby he should help support his child

Ohfourfoxache Tue 15-Dec-15 17:30:20

So she wants to settle down 3 months into the relationship and cracks are starting to show already?

Neither of them sound particularly mature tbh (and in their early 20's, to an extent, why should they be? Limited responsibilities is one of the best things about being young)

Providing there isn't a baby, I think it would be better for them to split up as they want different things. If there is a baby - God, I don't know sad

GloGirl Tue 15-Dec-15 17:31:12

I told my DH way back when he was just my boyfriend that I wouldn't take the MA pill if a condom broke. You can't make her take it.

Ohfourfoxache Tue 15-Dec-15 17:32:26

Sorry, just to clarify - if here is a baby obviously he must support. But that doesn't necessarily mean staying together, and it certainly doesn't mean giving up on uni.

Marilynsbigsister Tue 15-Dec-15 17:33:00

To be fair to his mum, she really isn't in their relationship. He talked to his mum a week or so a go about how uncomfortable he was with the 'settling down conversation' - she took special notice of it and mentioned it to me because he is a typical reticent young man who is not known for deep meaningful chats with his mum. She is only aware of whats happened because he has been acting so weirdly because he is stressed about possibly being made to be a parent and I think the biggest upset is being completely powerless in a decision that will affect and shape the rest of his life.

LunchpackOfNotreDame Tue 15-Dec-15 17:34:29

Yy if there is a baby he should support her. Hopefully there won't be so he can run for the hills

ollieplimsoles Tue 15-Dec-15 17:34:32

I would advise him to break up with her, they are on different levels

HackerFucker22 Tue 15-Dec-15 17:35:50

So the GF is on the pill? Provided she has been taking properly then all should be fine.

If her period is late any test on the market will be accurate.

Does the BF believe the condom to be tampered with? Or just his mother?

whois Tue 15-Dec-15 17:47:08

She's a nut job. Settle down after 3 months?

He should dump her ASAP.

If she is pg and keeps the baby, he should do everything he planned to do re staying at uni, traveling etc.

If you choose to bring a baby into the world when the other party didn't want to (and took sensible precautions ie used condoms) then you have to suck up the consequences.

Stormtreader Tue 15-Dec-15 17:55:15

Pregnancy while on the pill? Possible. Condom breaking? Again possible.
Both together a few days after the "I want to settle down" talk with someone who has said she wont get the MA pill? I'd be a little suspicious it was entirely an accident.

Osolea Tue 15-Dec-15 17:56:58

If I were the mother (or friend, or anything) of the male in this situation, I'd very strongly advise that he doesn't give up university or any future plans he has to support this child.

If the girl involved refused to take the MAP, she will only have herself to blame if she ends up as a single mother in a shit situation. If she doesn't want to take it, or have an abortion, that is entirely her choice, and it should be respected, but she has no right to try and alter the course of someone else's life because of her choices.

In situations like this, men should be able to legally absolve themselves of any financial responsibility. Women can do it, so men should be able to as well.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 15-Dec-15 17:57:33

She really shouldn't get pregnant on the pill, assuming she's taking it properly. But I really don't like the GF's comment of 'meant to be' - bit ominous.

"Been together 3 months. ... The boy has mentioned to his parents (actually his mum mostly) that cracks are starting to appear because she is keen to move on to the next level and is putting the pressure on to get a flat together and 'settle down'. "
She wants to settle down, he clearly doesn't - and they've only been together 3 months? He needs to stop going out with her, continuing the relationship would be a total mistake. They are at different life stages, clearly. Their life plans are not compatible.

Pregnant or not, I would advise the young man to end the relationship. If there is a baby he will have to support it financially, but he is not beholden to continue the relationship with her.

Arfarfanarf Tue 15-Dec-15 17:58:52

I think he should end the relationship.

If she is pregnant then he will have to deal with that. It is senseless to worry about it until or unless it happens. And the baby is born.

It is unlikely but not impossible. But there's nothing he can do at this point so he needs to wait. I know that's going to be hard for him but there is nothing else he can do. But if there is a child, of course he has to support it. He can get a part time job in the short term and it is more of a reason to study hard and get a good job at the end of it.

Clearly they have different goals. They are not compatible because what they want is so different. It would be foolish of him to settle down at 20. It really would be best to split.

BlueJug Tue 15-Dec-15 18:00:10

If both parties are 20+ then really nothing to do with anyone else. I can understand Mum wanting to help though.

My views are that if GF is on the pill then she is v unlikely to be PG. The chances of a pill failure are slim although not impossible.

If GF keeps the baby then BF will have to support. He should make it very clear to her how he feels though and that will enable her to make informed decision. (If she is manipulating him she will hope for a full relationship from him. If he plans to go abroad and she sees no help but minimum financial contribution then IF she has done this on purpose she might reconsider her position).

If it is an accident then that is a terrible situation for them both. Personally I think there is v little difference between the MAP and the contraceptive pill - which tends to lead one to believe that the GF is lying.

Good luck to them both

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge Tue 15-Dec-15 18:01:53

1. I'd be very reticent about playing the blame game if I were his mother, unless she is quite prepared to have no contact with any grandchild that results from this. Refusing to take the MAP does not = manipulation.

2. Does he give up his plans and support a child he does not wish to have, took precautions to avoid and made his feelings very clear BEFORE conception. Hell, yes. Once the baby is there, he has responsibilities to it. The circs of conception no longer matter. His responsibilities to his child, which usually include supporting the mother while the child is small.

whois Tue 15-Dec-15 18:02:41

In situations like this, men should be able to legally absolve themselves of any financial responsibility. Women can do it, so men should be able to as well.


HicDraconis Tue 15-Dec-15 18:03:09

I would be very worried about anyone wanting to "move to the next level" only 3 months into a relationship. If I were the boy I would end the relationship now, it doesn't sound healthy. He would have to support any child financially whether he agreed to its conception or not, but he doesn't have to remain in any sort of relationship with its mother.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 15-Dec-15 18:03:58

I would also probably encourage the young man to end the relationship ASAP - before whether she is pregnant or not is established. I can't help but think knowing the relationship is over might help her to decide she isn't pregnant suspect she'd pretend she is to keep him captive.

hefzi Tue 15-Dec-15 18:07:06

No - he continues with his educational plans, because that is the most likely path to lead to him being able to make proper financial support in the long-term. It would be short-termist and short-sighted for him to take any old job to make larger payments now.

I'm also in the camp that, in the cases of double contraception failure, if the woman wishes to pursue a pregnancy and the man doesn't, that it is unreasonable of her to expect his support, financial or otherwise. But I appreciate I might get flamed here...

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