Advanced search NOT apologise for Child Maintenance double standards?

(111 Posts)
VaticanAssassin Tue 15-Dec-15 12:29:51

DH and i are friends with a couple, and have been for a long time. Now we've fallen out.
Both have children from former rships- he pays child maintenance to his XW for their child, she receives C.M from her XP for her DC she had with him.
On separate occasions in the past, including this year, she has openly called out her XP to friends and publicly via Facebook for being late or absent with his CM payments, saying how out of order he is to not put his children over his girlfriend and his social life, they came before she did, and his unreliability only lets them all down (i totally agree with that btw).

Anyway, we've had a bloody fallout because I couldn't keep my bloody mouth shut, and would like to know if people think I actually do need to back down or not.
They came to see us Sunday for a drink at ours, and she brought up her DH's X.
"She's not happy with us at all. Because of Christmas and everything going on, we've had to text her and say we can't pay DS's money until January".

In my defence, at first I did try to be nice, and say how hard that would hit anyone a week before Christmas- can't they at least find half of it and then the other next week? She just said "Well no, and quite a bit of the money actually went on presents for DS, so technically he'll getting the money this month anyway" angry

I had to ask because I'm a twat probably "So why is your Ex an unreliable bastard if he misses a month to you and your two, but John* does it to his Ex and son then that's fine? It doesn't make sense"

She didn't answer, the conversation went a bit awkward, then her DH made excuses about work in morning and they left.

My DH has received a msg yesterday night, from him saying I was "absolutely out of order" and "She's really upset DW, we thought she'd have apologised for that by now".

I haven't replied yet- I still don't think it was bad to call them out on double standards, or was I? confused Friends should be able to tell each other if they think you've taken total leave of your senses shouldn't they?

Or am I just too stubborn?

I'm prepared to be told if I'm wrong, or should have just shut up blush

Tiggeryoubastard Tue 15-Dec-15 12:33:10

No she brought it up. She's a hypocrite and a pretty scummy one at that, thinking its ok to not pay, especially in December. I wouldn't want up be friends with shit twats like that, think you've had a lucky escape.

Sandalwearingdoglady Tue 15-Dec-15 12:33:31

I think you're absolutely in the right. He isn't 'technically getting the money anyway', it's supposed to put a roof over his head, feed him etc. Whether you should have said so or not is debateable but I certainly would have so as far as I'm concerned it's a big fat YANBU

MaxPepsi Tue 15-Dec-15 12:35:06

Well I personally think you were right.

Christmas comes round each year and is no surprise to anyone.

IF they had something come up which was unavoidable, like a new boiler required or an expensive car bill, then I would be sympathetic but still have said something.

Amazemedontbeacunt Tue 15-Dec-15 12:35:31

Yanbu she's a hypocrite and upset because it's been voiced. Tough! Don't back down.

Owllady Tue 15-Dec-15 12:35:35

I think it is usually best to keep quiet and then you could have slagged them off to your husband afterwards....

MyrtleFox Tue 15-Dec-15 12:35:40

I hope it made her think.

People do air the most unbelievably tawdry details on facebook.

Toffeelatteplease Tue 15-Dec-15 12:35:46

No advice but I would have had trouble keeping my mouth shut too. Are they very good friends...

(Still waiting on late maintenance through the CSAhmm)

battlebacktonewlife Tue 15-Dec-15 12:36:42

Double standards. YANBU.

Enjolrass Tue 15-Dec-15 12:37:12

I am sure,technically, the polite thing would be to skirt the issue.

But I don't think Yabu. I hate people with such double standards.

I bet you anything she didn't consider that.

And as for her dh texting your dh.....what a pile of bullshit. If she feels she deserves and apology, she should have contacted you.

She doesn't sound terribly mature.

LagunaBubbles Tue 15-Dec-15 12:37:18

Total hypocrite.

whois Tue 15-Dec-15 12:39:22

She's a nasty hypocrite, but people don't really like being called out on stuff like that.

MyrtleFox Tue 15-Dec-15 12:39:28

Sorry, for some reason I thought she'd put that up as a status on fb. But either way, she sounds like she doens't think things through, she sounds like she rationalises things to suit her own selfish needs so if you have fallen out, so be it. I'm sure she has her good points, all friends do, but I dislike that kind of hypocrisy.

lostInTheWash Tue 15-Dec-15 12:41:11

No one likes to be called on their own hypocrisy.


WeThreeMythicalKings Tue 15-Dec-15 12:41:25

Yup. Nasty hypocrite. Hope it's given her pause for thought but I doubt it.

RufusTheReindeer Tue 15-Dec-15 12:44:44

You were right

I would have found it hard to keep my mouth shut

ChinaSorrows Tue 15-Dec-15 12:45:05

YANBU OP (love your name btw!)

Hypocrites rarely like being shown for what they are. No matter what, don't apologise "properly"
By all means "I'm sorry that you didn't like my pointing out your double standards/that my pointing out your hypocrisy upset you"

But no effusive apology.

VaticanAssassin Tue 15-Dec-15 12:45:12

Yes, we have known them for years!

But remembering everything she has said in particular regarding her XP when he's let her down, from the blatant shaming, to the passive aggressive FB photo slogans "Any man can father a child, it takes a real man to be a Daddy" etc.

I just couldn't keep quiet, what did she want me to say? "Yes I totally understand why you're letting her down, it's the busiest week of the year but she'll have to lump it".

I can't apologise for pointing out her own actions.

LyndaNotLinda Tue 15-Dec-15 12:46:43

If I couldn't call my friends out on that kind of thing, I wouldn't be their friend. Surely that's what friends are for - they tell you when you're being wrong-headed?

YANBU at all. CM should be treated like rent or a mortgage payment - not as an optional luxury

VaticanAssassin Tue 15-Dec-15 12:47:44

Thanks China ! smile

I think that's a good idea, when if i do get in touch. That sort of covers everything I want to say without having to apologise for something I don't think was wrong to point out.

SoupDragon Tue 15-Dec-15 12:48:54

YANBU but I suspect the friendship is over!!

Micah Tue 15-Dec-15 12:49:41


DH has paid maintenance, and had regular access for 15 years. Lots of moaning about it not being enough, he should also pay for this and that, what right has he to have an opinion about medical treatment, schools etc.

DSS has decided to go to college near us, and moved in in september. There's hell on about why should she pay maintenance when her child has been "taken away". DH wants him to live with us, we should pay. She can't see him weekends because she has x,y and z...

Sad thing is is many people agree with her.

flippinada Tue 15-Dec-15 12:51:25

Yanbu! She sounds like a right piece of work, and so does her husband. The juvenile texting is the icing on the cake, isn't it.

Do you actually want to be friends with them, because they don't sound like very nice people?

Toffeelatteplease Tue 15-Dec-15 12:52:19

You can soften it a little further "I'm sorry my response hurt your feelings"

But I think they have to otherwise be an excellent friend to be worth that

CassieBearRawr Tue 15-Dec-15 12:52:23

I'd have said something too. Cheeky mare.

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