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to be irritated by DH treating me like I'm useless?

(22 Posts)
livvielunch Mon 14-Dec-15 21:53:36

DH works long hours so it's often just me and our four DC and I cope just fine. I know he's probably trying to compensate for his absence but when he is here he really gets on my nerves by treating me as though I'm incapable of anything.
Some examples:

I'll go to check the road to cross and he'll grab my arm to stop me/tell me when to cross
He insists on driving but on the rare occasion he's passenger he's constantly checking mirrors and guiding me
If I go to put my drink down he'll reach for it to put it down for me, often spilling it
If we're getting in the car he'll keep saying for me to take the baby so he can fold the pushchair - as if I don't do this task about six times a day when he's not there!?
If I'm emptying the bin he'll literally crouch over me saying I'll do that, here let me help etc. Tonight I didn't realise he was hovering and actually headbutted him he was so close.

After approximately the fifth time of him preventing me from leaning to check to cross the road today I said 'I've no idea how I survive when you're at work (!)' and he looked put out and mumbled 'I'm just trying to help.' Yet later when there's four kids to get fed, bathed and into bed he's just standing there fiddling with his phone...!

Aibu to be irritated by him acting like he's my saviour when he's here or a hitch for not being grateful at his attempts to help?

JapaneseSlipper Mon 14-Dec-15 22:00:05

I'd hate this too.

Candleabras Mon 14-Dec-15 22:04:21

He's trying to compensate for his apparent failings, but not doing a very good job of it. Definitely irritating, but understandable. Poor lad!

defineme Mon 14-Dec-15 22:06:35

I think the problem needs to be addressed more consistently. ..calmly every time. Can you talk about it using non blame language ...eg it makes me feel like this when you do this.

AmyLouKin Mon 14-Dec-15 22:41:32

My other half does the road crossing thing! I have to point out to him that I don't just walk across the road when he's not around and also I can't see around him when he's stood next to me, so I'm not walking in the road, I'm looking around him!
He's worse at the moment, as I'm pregnant! Lol.
However, while it does drive me nuts, I try to just laugh it off now, as I know it comes from a good place. He cares about me and loves me very much!
I'm guessing OP that your partner is the same but he's just directing his efforts in the wrong place! Try having a chat about it! Point out you don't need help with those little things but could do with help with the kids etc. Good luck. You are not being unfair to be irritated but I'm sure he means well!

catfordbetty Mon 14-Dec-15 23:04:09

I have to stop my husband crossing the road in a dangerous way. I am genuinely surprised that he is not run over when I'm not there to supervise him. The other things your DH does I can't explain. I think the standard Mumsnet advice is LTB if something irritates you about your partner.

MyrtleFox Mon 14-Dec-15 23:11:08

yeh, that's very annoying. Instead of being helpful and doing things that need to be done, he's just questioning your competency and making himself feel like you NEED him. The guiding your drink to the table in case you can't manage it and then spilling it in the process sounds a nightmare!!!!

WorraLiberty Mon 14-Dec-15 23:18:25

Me and DH were walking along the pavement the other day.

We came to a little alleyway where cars pull out of.

I immediately put my arm across, in front of him and said "Wait there for me"

But in my defence, I'm a lollipop lady and it was just automatic fblush

YANBU though OP. That level of hovering/interference would drive me mad no matter how well intended.

PennyHasNoSurname Mon 14-Dec-15 23:24:34

Id just repeat "I am a fully functioning adult. Stop parenting me and redirect your efforts to the kids"

Longdistance Mon 14-Dec-15 23:31:58

Oh how irritating.

When my Dh was telling me which way we should drive home (there were several options), I asked him who was holding the steering wheel? He's not done it since.

My Dh wouldn't dare not help feed, bath bed the dc as I've had him involved from day one. He used to work long hours, but changed companies, so is more so around us.

I'd have said the same as you tbh, but he needs a kick with helping in the evenings.

Domino777 Mon 14-Dec-15 23:44:03

I can see how it's completely irritating and how he should use his energy where it's needed instead but it's quite sweet in another way. Can you redirect him with 'I'm fine with the road. Could you could cook tea tonight. That would be valuable'

Morganly Mon 14-Dec-15 23:55:50

Wait till the children start doing it too! The sentence, I'm amazed I managed to get to 50 without being run over, has crossed my lips on many an occasion.

Seriously, YANBU.

I don't have any brilliant answers though. Perhaps if I'd challenged him every single time, I wouldn't still be getting it now.

Bogeyface Mon 14-Dec-15 23:56:12

Its the protection instinct. My mum grabbed my hand as we were about to cross the road and when we got to the other side I was in fits and she just kept saying "I dont know why I did that!" I was 40/41 at the time grin

It comes from a good place but yes it would be annoying, especially when he is useless when you could actually use his help.

sandgrown Tue 15-Dec-15 00:02:23

My mum used to do that too! grin

Becles Tue 15-Dec-15 00:06:33

Me three! Although I've noticed that I have started holding <her> hand when she crosses the road fblush

NoSquirrels Tue 15-Dec-15 00:12:13

Gah - yes, bloody annoying, I agree.

The road crossing one is VERY familiar - my DH and I cross any given road in a different place e.g. he'd cross as soon as possible, I'd cross a bit later up - neither way is right or wrong, it's just habit. So if we're together and he goes to cross in one place and I am walking off to cross further up (I walk faster grin) then he'll get the hump about me being "contrary" and always wanting it my way not his. But he fails to see he's also being contrary about always crossing in the same place! also walk faster and be in front if it bothers you

Other not-life-threatening-but-nonetheless-arsey behaviours include never putting stuff away because "you get annoyed when I do it wrong" so learn from your mistake and put it away in the right place, so I don't need to point anything out, so we're all happier and deferring all operational/calendar-based and domestic-task decision-making to me for no reason, when he has a functioning brain of his own and nothing has changed since last time the question arose NoSquirrels, where's the Sellotape/Is the dishwasher out of salt?/Do you know what time the DC swimming lessons are?

Gah, I say again. Tis just male pride and learned incompetence and must be resisted at all costs.

Bogeyface Tue 15-Dec-15 00:17:16

Its funny but I dont mind it when she does it, it means that she still loves me and wants to look after me smile

I have found myself almost doing it with my dad though! He is partially blind and profoundly deaf, so although I know he can see, I still get panicky. I have to stop myself as he gets, understandably, very pissed off at being treated like a slightly stupid child although if he didnt act like one it would help.

TheHouseOnTheLane Tue 15-Dec-15 00:19:44

My DH does it too OP. I'm 43 years old and run my own business as well as cycle up to 50 miles at a time...ALONE! Gasp!

But those things seem to escape him when I am carrying a spade or a bucket or trying to cross a road. Then I must become very weak and helpless looking.

Bogeyface Tue 15-Dec-15 00:27:50

I remember once H shouted at me to be careful when I was taking a roasting tin out of the oven with the meat for dinner in it. I pointed out that I did this many times a week and was still alive, he got stroppy as he was "only worried" about me. Should have said OK and let him finish the meal!

blankmind Tue 15-Dec-15 01:35:32

There are so many complaints on here of dh and dp who do nothing, yours is enthusiastically trying to help.

He wants to help but his efforts are a bit misguided, please steer him in the right direction, with a little input and guidance from you now, you could have a lot of help when and where you most need it for years to come.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Tue 15-Dec-15 01:46:15

I had the opposite problem. I have no idea how my exnsdp survived when I wasn't there because he apparently couldn't find anything by himself, nor carry very much nor manage basic tasks.
Yet somehow when I wasn't there, somehow, mysteriously he survived.

Fratelli Tue 15-Dec-15 07:34:00

Do you think he might "help" with things like that rather than genuinely helping with the dcs?

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