Last night I had a thread about my brothers hair and an interview. Today things have escalated quite a bit and I need advice, and never mind potentially being outed.
My brother is 2 years older than me and autism has always been the elephant in the room where he's concerned. I think it was first mentioned when he was about two, but my mum wouldn't accept it. She died when I was 16 and he was 18.
He has had a very troubled life, and has drifted a lot. After completing his undergraduate degree he didn't do much, tried one course but it didn't work out, spent some time doing factory/warehouse work before deciding to do a second degree that led to a professional qualification. Completion of the course was fraught with difficulty and two of the placements mentioned autism but he scraped through, qualified and got a job.
It's probably fair to say he's always been a bit of a 'drama llama' where health is concerned, you know the sort - you have a cold, he has flu, you have flu, he has pneumonia, you have pneumonia and he's dead (!) but during this time it became obsessive and the litany of things wrong with him just grew day by day. He eventually left that job after two years' employment and he was referred to the professional body because of a concern he was a drug addict! This was confirmed to be the case and he just went - well, off the deep end is the only way I can describe it.
This period of time was incredibly difficult as he was abusing prescription drugs and kept getting himself admitted to hospitals and ranting about this professional organisation to anyone who would listen. This was in 2010, to try to keep a rough timeline. They did really try to help him and he saw a psychologist, had CBT and went to a narcotics anonymous group. He just kept complaining about this - he saw it as a punishment.
Eventually, four years down the line the suspension was lifted and he was allowed to practice again but with certain conditions. He got a job in January 2014 and worked there for six months. Unfortunately our dad very sadly passed away (suddenly) in the spring and some concerns were raised about his practice but I think given the circumstances they let him go quietly out of the back door as it were. This meant he got another job in the autumn and yet very soon the same problems raised their head.
These problems I suppose are familiar to anyone who knows anyone with autism - unable to relate (ironically he seems incompetent when he isn't I think) not listening, focusing on one thing to the detriment of everything else - anyway, they dismissed him in April but unfortunately weren't quite so 'forgiving' and he has a reference confirming there were grave concerns about his performance which has stopped him moving on really. As a result he hasn't worked since.
I tried really hard to persuade him to get a proper diagnosis around this time and thanks to the knowledge of a friend we were able to get this started. My friend also put him in touch with another adult who had been diagnosed with autism.
He's been talking to this person and has decided he isn't going to go ahead with a diagnosis and the messages he sent me - I showed to a good friend and I think we both concluded he sounded utterly unhinged: he rants and raves and accused me of scuppering his career, it was horrible.
So, to try and not make the post too long, where to go from here?
He can't get a job, because, well, he is awful in his line of work (I don't mean that horribly.)
He won't consider anything that's NOT his line of work
He can't claim benefits as he won't accept he's disabled
So - any ideas? What the hell can we do?
I'm utterly drained. I think this moment has been coming for months but I'm just so very tried of it all.
AIBU?
To wonder if there's any way forwards
doitanyways · 14/12/2015 17:55
There is always an answer. It just isn't always the answer you want to hear 
.
OP, it sounds to me as if your life is largely on hold while you support him. Is anyone supporting you? On your earlier thread, you said you were responsible for his care. I don't think you are. Just because your parents failed to get him the help he clearly needs when he was younger, you are not required to take over from them in his care. That pressure is coming from inside you, and I honestly think you need to let it go - it is crippling you. As an analogy - the first rule of first aid is that the first aider assesses whether giving aid put's them in any danger (e.g. from electric shock). You have ploughed in to his aid without first considering yourself.
The way forward for you may well be to step back from him.
This sounds incredibly difficult. Hope someone else will be along with better advice 
Thank you 
Unfortunately, how to step back? He won't let me - I mean, I can hear the same story thousands of times over and over and he gets just as angry every time. Whatever I do, it's not enough.
But realistically he's already in a bad way. His house is falling down around him with toilet not flushing and heating not working and bedclothes never changed - it smells awful.
If I don't do the small amount I do, I can see him being dead within a year.
Hello lovely,
Bizarrely I think I know you (you know me as V on another Mummy forum ). I am so sad for you but do think that given everything you've said here and in the past, whatever has happened over the past few days is probably for the best. He needs professional (adult SW?/befriender) support and you should not have to keep him afloat financially, emotionally or otherwise. He is your brother but not your responsibility. I can't imagine how hard this would be, but do think you may have to step right back, give ultimatums, play hard ball etc then see if he crumbles or starts to take positive steps to change.
Can you self refer (well refer him) to any support agencies, befriending initiatives? Are there any other extended family members who would take him on either as a shared responsibility or as an apprentice or to work in an office or as a handyperson/gardener?
I feel really helpless for you and my heart goes out to you.
Xxx
Hello! Had no idea you were on here!
Yes, this is where we are at ... He won't hear of any form of befriending - any suggestion he needs charity would be met in horror 
But he won't get help.
I know I sound defeatist and I don't intend to, but he doesn't see himself as somebody who needs help in that sense. The messages I had today - bear in mind that the last time he was at the autism assessment place was August/September, I think - were so - angry and ranting and well, crazy, I suppose. Really irrational and paranoid.
I know that fuelled by anxiety but that's a diagnosis. He's also been to his GP and been shouting at them
He's barely functioning at the moment as it is.
"I don't want him as a weight round my neck but I feel like Marley carrying the chains at times and there is no way I can remove them."
There is always an answer. It just isn't always the answer you want to hear . Which means you can remove these chains, but there will be fallout.
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. You don't what what you've got (no-one would). So you need to change what you've always done. You know that. But you've painted yourself into that corner marked 'responsibility', and your feelings are preventing you from making the change. Honestly, I think you know what you have to do, you're just unwilling to do it. You worry about the impact it will have on him, but because of this you have blinded yourself to the impact the current situation already has on you. Is your health and welfare less important than his?
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