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OH won't 'leave' his mother

(157 Posts)
gretanonie Mon 14-Dec-15 12:26:08

My dad has just got married and moved into his wife's house. He owns a lovely 3 bedroom country house 1 hour and a half away from where OH and I currently live in a cramped 1 bed rented flat. My dad has offered me his house as he doesn't really need to money from selling it and would have wanted leave it to me in his will anyway. Also I am 8 months pregnant so he wants to give my own family a good life (he was never really there for me when I was growing up).

I have been discussing this as an option with OH to move there when baby is 6 months old or so but he refuses. I could sell the house and get one here but it really isn't a nice area, I want to give my daughter the best life I can. I don't want to be stuck in the same shitty town all my life either. He doesn't want to move because he wants to look after his mum. She is 50 and is in perfectly good health but he is her little errand boy which is quite frustrating but I just leave him to it.

I have said that I will move (and leave my mum, Nan and friends behind) because I'm putting my child first and he said he will have to move back in with his mum then. We currently live 2 minutes away from her. An hour and a half really isn't that far away. I am concerned that he doesn't yet realise what being a parent will be like. I have raised the point that if he is so concerned about his mum then she should be in assisted living or move to be with her family but he just laughed and said that's stupid. You simply can't raise your child, run around after your mum everyday(without good reason), work full time and keep your relationship alive. He is at hers now posting things for her and walking her dogs. MIL is perfectly able to do those things and works 10 hours a week so has the time. She has plenty of friends and SIL lives 10 minutes away but is a full time step mother so obviously puts them first. She might even find a partner soon.

AIBU to think he's being precious, a tad ridiculous and should put his child's future first? He's acting like I want to move to Australia and he'll never see her againangry

WeirdCatLadyIsFeelingFestive Mon 14-Dec-15 12:29:31

Do either of you work? Adding an hour and a half onto your commute is a big thing to consider.

MurlockedInTheCellarHelpUs Mon 14-Dec-15 12:29:35

Yikes. Are you married, OP? There's not many people who would turn down the offer of a free house in a nice area to stay attached to the apron strings...

I'd be tempted to put you and your daughter first. Sounds like your OH is unwilling to do that, sadly.

Fizrim Mon 14-Dec-15 12:32:21

I was thinking of the commute as well - how can you just up and leave?

It doesn't sound as if there has been much discussion tbh, more like a series of threats and ultimations. Also I would really rethink leaving your support system when you have a small baby grin

WorraLiberty Mon 14-Dec-15 12:33:33

Are both of your names on the current tenancy agreement?

Could he be worried that if you argue/split up, he'll automatically be out on his ear?

Also, would he be able to commute to and from work?

It might be because of his Mum, but equally there may be other reasons that he's not discussing with you.

gretanonie Mon 14-Dec-15 12:33:40

We're engaged and holding off until after baby is born and settled to get married. We are partners with my dad in one of his businesses so work from home, if we moved up there we would be able to have use of his offices and potentially expand creating more money.

I do still have hope that things will change when she's born as I feel I have already got the mother mentality but it doesn't become real for men until the child is here. I will give it time but I do think he's being a bit silly RE his mother. I would understand if she was older and in bad health but I think she just has him by the neck with the apron strings at the moment. That will hopefully change when baby is here

gretanonie Mon 14-Dec-15 12:34:15

Yeah we're both on the tenancy. We've been together for 7 years

MurlockedInTheCellarHelpUs Mon 14-Dec-15 12:35:41

It might change. But then again, it might not.

Can you sit down together and do a proper pro/con list so you can see what each other is thinking?

gretanonie Mon 14-Dec-15 12:36:09

He gave me the threat that if I want to move he will leave us and live with his mum. Instead of compromising to maybe somewhere nicer but a little bit closer which I wouldn't mind selling for. It is a lovely house though!

mamaslatts Mon 14-Dec-15 12:36:11

I suspect his mother doesn't like you very much

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 14-Dec-15 12:36:43

TBH, I'd just move. He comes or he doesnt. You have opportunities to take, dont lose them by hoping for something that might never happen.

gretanonie Mon 14-Dec-15 12:37:01

He literally wants to stay 5 minutes away from his mum. He even suggested selling and building a house on her back garden envy

WeirdCatLadyIsFeelingFestive Mon 14-Dec-15 12:37:23

In that case id be giving notice on your rented place and would move asap. Whether he comes along is up to him.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 14-Dec-15 12:38:24

He literally wants to stay 5 minutes away from his mum. He even suggested selling and building a house on her back garden

I think you have no hope of him changing. He wants to practically live up her arse. I think you need to accept its a life of being second best or a life that you made yourself on your own.

coffeeisnectar Mon 14-Dec-15 12:39:16

His mum is 3 years older than me and I'm disabled but I certainly don't need to be ran about after like this. My parents are in their 70s and quite capable and independen.

This screams mummys boy.

Take the house, have your baby and carry on working with your dad. Sounds like your oh is used to being at his mum's beck and call and will be for another 30 odd years.

firesidechat Mon 14-Dec-15 12:39:30

Hope this isn't too harsh, but I do think a secure home life with both parents together and supporting each other is more important than a bigger house in a nice area.

Are there problems in your relationship apart from his mum because I can't imagine leaving my husband just to get a nice house.

MrsGentlyBenevolent Mon 14-Dec-15 12:39:43

My friend dated a guy exactly like this (minus the baby on the way). She got him to move about half an hour away from his mummy - the relationship broke down six months later and he's now living with her with his new girlfriend (forever more it seems). It sounds to me like it's all excuses not to move - I'd do it. If he's enough of a grown up, he'll realise it's what's best not only for yourselves but for your child. He has to remember that she's the important one now, the one who needs parents around all the time, not him.

Annarose2014 Mon 14-Dec-15 12:40:03

I am not at all sure things will change after the baby cos then you'll be "taking away her grandchild whom she adores so much".

Also, moving house with a baby is horrendous. You have literally no time to do anything.

If you're going to move, move first.

AliceInUnderpants Mon 14-Dec-15 12:40:20

Didn't you discuss your plans to move away before you decided to have a child?

ToddlerTantrums Mon 14-Dec-15 12:40:33

I don't say this lightly but I would just go and if he wants to grow up he can go with you.
If it's this bad now wait till the baby comes and mummy starts telling him how you're doing everything wrong and going over you with the kids when they're older.

PatMullins Mon 14-Dec-15 12:41:05

I would go for it, with or without him.

gretanonie Mon 14-Dec-15 12:41:17

His nickname for her is 'evil mean bitch woman' but he still does everything for her. Even stuff he wouldn't do for me and shrugs off if I ask him. He said he'll teach our daughter that that's her name! Not that I'm complaining but it's quite harsh to call your own mother that wink

firesidechat Mon 14-Dec-15 12:42:31

I've just seen your later posts about being able to work from home, so you wouldn't have to change jobs or have a long commute? That does change things considerably. The pros do seem to outweigh the cons. Is it just because of his mum? Tricky one.

ImperialBlether Mon 14-Dec-15 12:42:35

He sounds such a mummy's boy it's amazing you found him attractive. It made me laugh to think of her playing the old lady at 50.

The thing is that when you have your baby you will need your mum and your grandmother, won't you? Forget this guy for the moment. You said your dad's house is in a nice area. Would you get support from him there? If you would, could you count on it, as you say he wasn't there for you when you were younger?

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 14-Dec-15 12:42:58

Errrrr, I would lose my shit if my dp taught our child to call his mother that. That is so out of order.

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