to feel that my neighbour's comments re. my son's future sex life were a little crass(80 Posts)
One of my good friends lives in the street opposite ours and we have known each other for about 13 years now. She was over the other evening and as she was leaving the conversation for some reason turned to the fact that my ds (just turned 14 in November) has the smallest room in the house (he was the first of our 3 dc to get his own bedroom and got the smallest room). I said I had offered him the attic (where dh and I sleep) but that he had said no. My neighbour and dh joked about how he would need the attic when he starts bringing girls home.
I should have left it at that but I said that I didn't think that was going to happen for a while. Though he is very tall and very mature in lots of ways, he really is still a child - if a gangly and tall one. He spends quite a lot of his time at home annoying his younger sisters and has all the body language and posture of a child. Basically at 14 I think he is a child still.
My neighbour then starts contesting this so I asked her and dh when they had their first girlfriend/boyfriend. Dh of course did not answer
as he is very secretive and always has been but my neighbour admitted she was a lot older than 14. She then said that my son might get an older girlfriend (to "teach" him the implication was) - I was like that would be illegal and any possibly predatory older girlfriend would have me to deal with. She then said that he might "pay for it" and that her husband's first sexual experience had been with a prostitute when he was a little over 14 .
Apart from the fact that I really did not need that info about her husband, and will never be able to unhear it, aibu to think that she should not have been saying that my son's first sexual experience might be with a prostitute , let alone the fact that prostitution is basically the exploitation of women/girls who have often been coerced into doing what they are doing ?
I recognise that I may be naive and he may well sooner than I think get a "girlfriend" but would you at that age jump straight into sex, would there not be a progression - friendship, kissing etc?
In any case, aibu to think that my friend should really not have said that my son might pay someone for sex???
Can't stop thinking about what she said and wondering whether I really want to see her at all at the moment. She does have form for being tactless, when my Mum died 9 years ago following 5 years of chemotherapy she said it was "interesting" because her super healthy friend had either lived for much longer with cancer or had not died - can't remember. Implication being that my Mum had not eaten healthily enough to survive any longer than she did .
You should have told her to shut up.
She sounds a bit pervy to be honest.
YANBU. Imagine if she was male and your DD was a 14 year old girl. It would be unacceptable, just as this is unacceptable.
She certainly shouldn;t have said that about prostitutes (and at her dh!) but it's not that unusual for teenagers to start dating at around 14/15.
DS was a very late starter (at around 17) but lots of his friends had girlfriends in year 9/10.
It sounds as if she landed in a hole and then carried on digging. I can think of a few occasions when I've done the same. If, on balance, the friendship is a good one, I'd let it go.
First comment, ok. Put to keep pushing it and say that you child may use prostitutes is disgusting and yes, you should have said something. I was when a man came over and told me that my baby would be sex on legs when she's older, on account of her ginger hair! My baby will NOT be having sex, ever, until I want grandchildren.
I did say "that's my son you're talking about "...
Is she a friend?
Do you actually have to do more than spend the time of day with her?
She sounds like a bit of an arse, but I don't really understand why you have to tell her anything at all, or speak to her, in depth, about anyone's sex life.
Wow, you really have trouble taking a joke, don't you?
She was a bit crass and tactless or she was winding you up. tbh it read to me that you were upset at the thought of your DS growing up and directed that at your friend.
No she really is a friend, and has been a good one. Yes when she made the comment about the attic and girls I should have just left it at that. I guess I feel like selsig about him being my "baby" so I just reacted. I do have to get with the programme re. the fact that my dc will grow up and meet people etc...
I think maybe I irritated her so she then went one step further to kind of shock... She has three sons so I should have asked her how she would feel if one of them paid for sex .
The first comment was totally fine and you overreacted. Lots of 14 and 15 year olds have girlfriends. What she said when you pushed her was really off.
I don't think being told my 14 year old might use a prostitute is a joke!!! Definitely not a funny one. I have no problem taking good jokes!
But also, based on what he is like and has been like to date, I really don't think he will get a girlfriend just yet - a lot may change over the coming couple of years but for now he just tells anyone who mentions girls to shut up.
Thanks for your comments by the way as it helps to get things in perspective...
What he does or says in front of you or when pushed by friends isn't really an indication of how he feels about girls. It's just teenage awkwardness.
Some people are just more liberal about sex than others! I don't just mean in terms of behaviour, but in terms of talking about it. I know a couple like this - they are just very open about it and very, ahem, diverse in their practices, in ways that sometimes make more tight-laced and private me feel a bit uncomfortable. But I don't think there's a right or a wrong way to be.
I think the average age for becoming sexually active is about 16, with around 30% of boys before that. So technically, she may be right to suggest that it won't be long before your son is active in this way. I realise this is a difficult message for you to receive as a parent who is used to seeing him as a child and who wants him to stay young for his age as long as possible! I do think it's important to recognise this and not to infantilise teens. I suspect that some of your discomfort about this may be around this issue, and not with your friend.
On the other hand, the 'paying for it' comment crosses a line for me, because I believe that prostitution is very exploitative of women. I might well have made a comment along the lines of 'I realise that's your DH's experience, but it's a long time ago now. Thank goodness most people have moved on from those old-fashioned mores of needing to 'break in' young boys to sex at an early age, by exploiting paid sex workers if necessary'.
I'm interested in why your husband's so secretive! Do you not know anything about his romantic history?
But if you break it down - from what you have said about your DS then she doesn't really think he will use a prostitute at 14 (also that's not what she said - she said his first time might be with a prostitute).
Wasn't there one of the hosts on Loose Women who said she got a prostitute for her son to lose his virginity or something like that? I don't watch it but remember the media furore at the time. My cack-handed point being that talking about losing virginity, using prostitutes, whether GFs can stay over, are all conversations that have to be navigated at some point. And if she has 3 sons and has been a friend for 13 years then I don't get why you're so uncomfortable about either putting her in her place with a 'ffs I'd feel I'd failed as a mother if he lost his virginity to a prostitute - your poor DH having that as his first experience' or questioning how she's dealt with it with her DS. It's why I think your unease is about thinking of your DS growing up and not really about your friend.
Sounds like she was just talking and ended up saying something strange!!!! Had she had a drink or two at that point? She is probably cringing, wondering what possessed her to open her mouth!!
I'd be very disturbed by that. It's a very perverted way to talk about your friend's early teenage son
she needs to be told frankly! and the comment about your Mum too, crass
I would just blank her for a while, and when time is right tell her that she crossed a line making those comments, beyond inappropriate
I don't think being told my 14 year old might use a prostitute is a joke!!!
No one said he was going to use a prostitute today; maybe he'll be your 22 year old when he uses a prostitute.
I think the average age for becoming sexually active is about 16 - that kind of ties in with what I think about my son because I told my friend I thought my son would be in to girlfriends at the age of 16 or 17. It was an instinctive feeling based on him as he is now rather than on my wishing it to be that way iyswim. I am not saying that he does not have feelings now etc... but he really has just finished being 13!
I might well have made a comment along the lines of 'I realise that's your DH's experience, but it's a long time ago now. Thank goodness most people have moved on from those old-fashioned mores of needing to 'break in' young boys to sex at an early age, by exploiting paid sex workers if necessary'.
I wish you had been there grundrisse because that would have been perfect and expresses how I was feeling but better!
My dh and his secrecy Imperial is the subject of a whole other thread! I know about his first marriage (might be a bit difficult to hide that ) and of at least 2 girlfriends that he had after his marriage ended and before he met me, but that's it. He just is very secretive and considers conversation about anything of this type to be "gossip". This extends into other parts of his life - he basically communicates on a need to know basis - frustrating and has been difficult for me.
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