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AIBU?

to consider another... at 37

16 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/12/2015 07:51

Ds just turned 5 and is very settled at school. He was a very normal, healthy pregnancy and delivery - but took around 2 years to conceive due to pcos (this time included hospital appointments, diagnosis, weight loss etc).

I've loved being able to give him all my time and of course he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Part of me wonders if I could love another child as much.

Dh has always said he doesn't want another, he's 10 years older than me and has 2 teenagers from his previous marriage. He's been a great hands on dad to our ds, but has found certain phases harder than me. We've had a lot of adjustment and compromise to go through in our parenting styles but have come through it and are very happy.

I've been feeling my biological clock tick tocking away as I edge towards 37 and my friends have all had a second or are heavily pregnant. Dh and I had a big conversation on Friday and I explained that it's not rational, but I just don't want to get to 40 and regret not even trying. By 'trying' I just mean coming off the pill and seeing what happens. I've been on the pill since 15 (to control acne at first) with the exception of the 3 year break for ds and I'm fed up with the 'unnaturalness' of it. I am beginning to feel my body getting older. I do understand dh's feelings and have stated I'll love him whatever and love our family as it is anyway so wouldn't be desperately disappointed if it stayed the same. He's said there's a lot to think about but he understands my feelings and could get used to the idea of another child - he'd love it and be a proud dad all over again etc. I know he's putting my feelings first and would have concerns about our relationship.

I haven't yet properly decided but wanted to ask if there are other people in the same position, or have been, what kind of age gap you have between your dc and how you found going from 1 to 2 at an older age.

OP posts:

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MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/12/2015 07:54

Well I didn't, but my best friend had her last in her early 40s. Go for it.

IJustLostTheGame · 14/12/2015 07:57

Don't do anything unless your DH is 100% on board.
And be emotionally armoured for no more babies.

But other than that go for it.
My cousin is pregnant with her first at 38.
If we decide on a second I will be nearly 38.

deliciousdevilwoman · 14/12/2015 07:58

Hi,

I say if you have weighed things up, can afford it financially and your DH is on board with the prospect-then go for it. 37 is no age! Ok-I mean it's not the 'golden' window for ttc admittedly but a number of my friends have had babies in their late 30's-some without incident, a couple where there were/are fertility probs and they needed treatment. I was 20 when I had my DTS's and pushing 42 when I had DD now 5, so I have been both a younger and "older" mother.

Good luck with whatever you (and DH) decide

MsVestibule · 14/12/2015 07:58

I became pregnant for the second time when I was nearly 37. There's only a 20 month gap between them, and I became pregnant with them both quite quickly, despite previous fertility issues.

However, both my husband and I knew we wanted another very quickly, I didn't have to talk him in to it. It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your husband, but I'd be wary about him feeling pressurised or resentful, even if he does agree to try. How long would you try for?

AuntieStella · 14/12/2015 07:58

I don't see under 40 as old.

But I do think you need your DH to be properly in agreement about it.

Blacktealeaves · 14/12/2015 08:22

I don't think you should TTC unless both totally on board. 37 not old IMO, although I am 37 and don't want another one now. Not because I am old though but because of the tiredness and because we can't afford it .

If you don't like the unnaturalness of being on the pill then I would look into using another form of contraception. I know exactly what you mean about unnaturalness. I have always used condoms myself partly for same reason.

I have pcos too, as does a friend of mine. Anecdotally, we both found it hard being on the pill because of the additional female hormones making me feel very emotional and not myself. However that is based on no science at all and is probably bollocks. Just how I felt.

I would hesitate to say that as it took ages to conceive you probably have to worry less about accidentally conceiving while using condoms, as these things happen.

But fgs do tell him if you come off the pill (no suggestion you weren't going to) and don't try to have an accident.

leaningtoweroflego · 14/12/2015 09:08

I was 38 when I had my second, go for it!

My DP wasn't totally on board but went along with the idea for me (I had no idea, he didn't let on, he told me years later) but is so glad we did now DD is here, he adores her just as much as her older brother.

Of course your DH is a different person! But I would say he's an adult and able to make his own decisions, if he decides he's up for it despite not initially being keen, I would take him at face value.

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/12/2015 09:33

Yes the last thing I want to do is railroad him into it. I do think it's come to a head though so we're discussing it sensibly. I'd never trick him into it by not telling him I'd stopped taking the pill. Part of the reason for talking to him now is that I'm nearing the end of my pill packet and don't much fancy going back for a repeat prescription for another 12 months. He knows this.

We've both grown up a lot since ds was born - I know that sounds daft at our ages, but I do feel we are now better equipped to deal with another child having done it once and as ds is now at school. We're much more amenable to discussion and compromise than pre-ds.

I'm not even saying I'm 100% certain myself. I wonder how we'll make room in our lives for another and worry about the impact on ds. I love him so much but well remember how much time babies take and would be heartbroken if he felt pushed aside! It's a big upheaval for the whole family. I can't decide whether i just suddenly feel I'm running out of time, or whether I actually am ready for it. And I'd hate for dh to feel he's been pressurised into it, although he seems fairly confident it would work out well.

OP posts:

QuizteamBleakley · 14/12/2015 09:39

Had my 1st at 39, 2nd later still (obviously) and would've carried on but DH (older) really didn't want to be a very old Daddy, dropping kids at school on way to collect his pension.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2015 10:03

I can understand your DH point of view.
I'm the same age as him and it would be my worst nightmare to start again now.
I'm just getting my life back and it's great.
The thought of running around constantly after a toddler when I'm 50 is just a no no for me.
But.... you are 10 years younger and no that is not too old to have another.
You need to both agree on this before anything happens though.

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 14/12/2015 11:14

I think you're being very sensible about this. I detect a level head in your posts rather than all out emotional turmoil. I think as long as you're both on board then get cracking. 37 is not old at all.

UpsyDaisy123 · 14/12/2015 12:14

37 is nothing these days. Definitely don't let that put you off.

Panicmode1 · 14/12/2015 12:34

You both need to agree - I wouldn't have another if my DH was adamant that he didn't want one.....

But, if you are both on the same page, then 37 is young enough to have another. (I had my fourth at 38 :-) )

AntiHop · 14/12/2015 12:57

Age is not a barrier. Many women continue to be very fertile in to their 40s. I had my PFB at 37. She's 15 months now and it will be at least a couple of years before we are in a financial position to have another. I like the idea of having a new born when your first child is already at primary school, sounds less stressful than having 2 pre-school age children. If you do TTC, I would advise trying to mentally prepare yourself about the risks of disabilities that increased with age. This is something I thought about carefully before TTC in my late 30s.

x2boys · 14/12/2015 15:53

I had mine at 33 and 36 although ds2 is disabled it was probably nothing to do with my age my friend had her two at 37 and 39 your age isn't a barrier

CPtart · 14/12/2015 16:29

Age is not a barrier at 37, but I agree, your DH must be 100% for this. Think absolute worse case scenario. If you and he split (and he already has one failed marriage) would you be prepared to be left with most of the responsibility and child rearing of two DC (and would DC2 be healthy?)

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