Feel like I am going mad(25 Posts)
My OH and I have one child, and 8 month old. We have for the most part had a good relationship but we have had some very rough patches. There was a particularly rough patch a few years ago when we were close to splitting up but we managed to get through it.
We are going through another rough patch and I just don't know if I have the will or energy to work through it. A lot of our issues from our last rough patch have resurfaced and we now have the added stress of our first baby. I am just sick of having the same arguments over and over again.
One of the biggest issues we have is regarding money and how bad my OH is with it. He has pretty much been in debt the majority of the time I have known him. I have almost got myself in debt trying to help him. I have begged, threatened, ignored, supported, given up. Nothing makes a difference. He promises to be better, clear the debt of, stop spending money, save but he never does. He has recently got two new credit cards, I am just so upset. One of my conditions of staying together a few years ago was that he would improve his financial situation but he hasn't. If it wasn't for me we would struggle, I keep us afloat.
Another long standing issues is his family, mainly his mother. I am the first to admit that I don't like her. I avoid seeing her at all costs. It hasn't always been like this though. When we first got together I did make an effort. I really tried to get on with them but they made it really hard. They were forever making rude remarks about me. They were forever commenting on my weight, they thought it was weird that I barely drink, made fun of my job. They tried telling me what to do and how to think. It all got to much and I broke down to my OH. He told me that this is how they were and they wouldn't change and I should accept them.
I tried to grit my teeth and accept them but I couldn't. In the end I told my OH that I just wasn't going to keep seeing them. This worked well until I fell pregnant and then the pressure to see them has resurfaced. They haven't changed, in fact they are worse than I remember. I get more comments about my weight, questions about my parents involvement with baby, made to feel bad about my inability to breastfeed. They also keep snatching the baby from our arms and passing the baby around and I have to fight them to get him back.
My OH is annoyed by some of their actions but excuses them as excited first time grandparents. He says that we should make allowances for them. I know full well that if my parents tried even half the stuff they do he would be the first to complain. Somehow it's different for my parents as they already have grandchildren so they won't be as excited, apparently. I'm now in the position where I am not allowed to say anything to them. This means that years of pent up resentment is starting to boil over and I feel like I am about to burst. My OH will never say anything to them for fear of hurting their feelings. All he wants is for me to be able to just put up with them and play happy families.
This isn't the only situation where I am expected to just put up with something. He is also a snorer. It has been driving me mad for years but he refuses to do anything about it. If I go to bed and fall asleep before him then it doesn't disturb me. However I haven't had undisputed sleep since I was pregnant. This means his snoring has been driving me mad for a year and a half. It's got to the point now where half way through the night I give up and sleep downstairs on the sofa. If the baby wakes up, oh well he can deal with him. By that point I am just so tired I am no use to anyone.
This is just a few things, I'd be here all night if I wrote everything. I am just at my wits end and I don't know how much more I can take.
You are with an utterly selfish and spineless man. Everything he does has an impact on you. I'm really glad you're not married to him, otherwise those debts he has might eventually become yours.
Can you imagine a life without him? How do you think it would be?
You are allowed to say something to them; you are not a shop dummy and neither is your child. Get a sling and keep him close to you. Or just get out of that relationship and start a better life without this nonsense cluttering up your world.
You'd be far better off without him.
but you know that already.
why not lead into 2016 by ditching this dead weight and getting your life back?
Yes, imagine life without him. Seriously.
How does it feel?
In summary then: he's weak-willed in several ways, and has failed to change despite your repeated attempts.
Your OP had me thinking 'fuck this'.
He's weak and has no intention of shaping up; two new credit cards?.
You can manage without him, do you even love him still?
I have a friend whose husband gets into debt, has a drink problem and a difficult family. 20 years on, she's a mother to him and their children. I think, given the choice she'd never have married him
You only get one life. It isn't a dress rehearsal. Don't waste any more of yours on this man.
He has several big issues that he knows have a huge impact on your life and he can't even be arsed to try to sort them out. What does that say about his much he cares about you? Just get out of there.
I cannot imagine putting up with this for another 20 years and I have lost faith in his ability to change. He has made so many promises to change but he doesn't.
I am just terrified of being a single mum on my own. As much as I love my baby I feel so guilty about bringing him into this situation. I look down at his little face and it breaks my heart.
I'm now in the position where I am not allowed to say anything to them. Who is not allowing you? He's not allowed to tell you what you can and can't say to whoever you like. You are an adult and you are free to do/say whatever you want. I'd be more frightened about spending a lifetime with him, than about being a single mum to your darling baby.
A friend of mine posted one of those memes that do the rounds in FB. It said..... strength is removing the kids from a toxic situation NOT learning to live with it 'for the sake of the kids'!!
Seriously think about walking away for your own sake as well as DS. And as for keeping quiet around his parents - sod that, you're as entitled to speak as much as they are and you certainly have the right to say what happens to your son.
I could have written this 13 years ago.
I gave him another 5 years and then left. The debts, putting his family first and snoring did not change. I had to sell the house and pay off all his debts, not enough money left to buy another house. At least you are not married, as I was I had to pay his debts and lost most of my money.
I would suggest Relate, see if that can help. If it does not, look at your options.
If he is not contributing fincancially now, what difference will it make to ditch him? He's going to have to come up with child support so that will be regular income. You will never have to deal with his parents again.
Really, I am not an LTBer but this screams it at me. He has been given a chance before, but not taken it. Time to end it. His mummy can have him back.
Maybe being on your own will be easier than being with him.
Do you have family/friends who can support you?
you'd be better off as single mum as opposed to staying with him, all his horse shit as well as being plunged into debt.
end it now and things will improve. then by next summer, you'll wonder why you were with him at all.
You begin by saying you've had a "good relationship" for the most part but you don't go on to say what the positives are. I think that's quite telling. Is there anything really worth salvaging here?
Once you are the other side it's difficult to remember what you were so scared of. The kids are happier because you are happier. Everyday I got out of bed and felt like dancing because of the weight of my shoulders.
Its a slow process, so just start doing it. See a lawyer, get some advice. Start separating yourself out from him. Get copies of the paperwork etc. You know all the normal stuff. You're not in danger, so there's no particular rush, just start doing it. When you are ready, inform him. No more discussions, no more disappointments. Never (or nearly) seeing his family again.
Make the situation work for you. When he has your baby, get some sleep, time out etc. It's absolutely fab being divorced quite frankly, and you (assuming its an OH not DH) are not married so don't even have to go through the court hassle, just sort it out. You'll be dancing on rainbows.
I am just terrified of being a single mum on my own.
Many times if we can name our fear we realize that we have nothing to really be afraid of. As FDR said: The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself. Try to figure out exactly what you are afraid of. Is it finances? Is it 'being alone' (i.e. no partner)? Is it that you feel you don't have a support system? Since it seems to me that your partner isn't very supportive nor financially stable being without him may well improve your situation.
As much as I love my baby I feel so guilty about bringing him into this situation. I look down at his little face and it breaks my heart.
You didn't 'bring him into this situation', love. You didn't set about to bring a child into a negative situation. You had the same hopes and dreams that we all have when we have a child. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don't. You are NOT to blame for it. Shit happens.
As others have said, sit down and imagine your life without him. Imagine the peace of not arguing or walking on tenterhooks. Imagine the security of not worrying whether or not the bills will be paid or that you'll be 'surprised' with a debt that is not yours. Imagine living without criticism.
I do have a wonderful support system. I have a good relationship with my parents. I know they will be there for me if/ when I ask. I also have an amazing friend who has supported me in the past regarding my OH. In fact during our last rough patch she was practically begging me to leave him. When I didn't she was supportive (and frustrated).
I think I'm going to need to look into getting some legal advice as I have no idea where to even begin. It just feels so overwhelming.
please leave. you have help. don't be proud, let your family and friends help you.
Absolutely get legal advice. Gather whatever financial documents you can lay hands on, be prepared to give the solicitor information on income, expenses, and debt for both of you.
You refer to him as OH rather than DH, are you legally married? If not, you aren't responsible for any of his debt (unless you were a guarantor or co-signee) and disentangling yourself will be easier. Are your finances 'entwined'? Do you own a home together?
Talk to your parents and your friend.
My approach to anything that feels overwhelming is to break it down into smaller chunks and then tackle them one at a time. You need a list, am sure people on here who have separated can help you figure out what needs to be on it and if you only tick one item a week off you'll be moving in the right direction. Your little boy is young enough that you and his dad being apart is all he will ever have known if you separate now, surely that's better than him being aware of the change later on? It doesn't sound like there's any chance you will be able to stick this out indefinitely so better to do it now while DS is young enough to not be aware. You deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound like that's possible if you stay, make that list and start working towards a better future, you can (and should) do this
I am going to speak to my friend at the weekend and we are going to go through everything together.
Thank you everyone.
Good. I wish you the best of luck.
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