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Well am I ?? Sick of complete strangers making me feel like the worlds biggest arsehole on a daily basis.

(79 Posts)
MyFriendGoo52 Sat 12-Dec-15 19:17:28

I have a 14 yr old ds, a lumbering hulk of a boy. He's very out going, very lovely and he's all mine.

He also has severe Autism, because of this i'm trying my best to teach him socially acceptable behaviour, ie not standing too close to people, not hogging conversation and striking up conversation at appropriate times but time and again I have well meaning strangers making me feel bad when i'm trying to do my job !!

Basically they mean well, but are making too many allowances because of his disability. Not realising that THEY might not mind but other people often DO. And we have to allow for that.

Example today. Ds strikes conversation up with a man on a bus.

Hello, what's your name ??

Paul, says the man.

Hello Paul, my names goo boy. Can you take your hat off ??

(( ds has an obsession with bald heads ))

I turned to ds and raised an eyebrow KNOWING what was coming next. Ds ignored my dancing eyebrow and asked to touch Paul on the head.

So I intervened with 'no ds, that is not appropriate. We don't ask to touch people on the head'

Aww he's ok. Says complete stranger Paul. Don't be mean.

No, no he fecking well is not. Try telling someone who's lost their hair through cancer or having a shitter of a day that. FFS

Then onto subway, ds strikes up conversation with the guy serving. He does actually know the guy serving but he was very, very busy.

So I intervened.

No ds, this is not an appropriate time to have a chat. It's very busy. Then took his elbow to direct him back to his seat.

Subway bloke - 'Aww, he's alright, I like our chats' 😠😠😠

Try telling the 50million, glaring people in the queue that !! 😠😠😠😤

And it's just happened again.

Takeaway delivery guy.

Ds said something rude / cheeky about his appearance I interevened with don't be rude gooboy or something along those lines.

Only to be told off again !!

They don't bloody know him. He won't always be a child. When he's a 30yr old bloke I do not want him to be going round stroking people on the.head and telling them they have big noses. It's my job to discourage that but how can I when my efforts are being undermined by people ??

Doesnt help that he chooses his victims well and very rarely, gets ignored.

So, AIBU ??

And as an aside people shouldnt feel they have to put up with behaviour they arent comfortable with just because the person doing it has a disability.

PiperChapstick Sat 12-Dec-15 19:20:17

Sorry but I think YABU. people think they're helping and being tolerant. How are they to know you don't want them to say "it's ok"? How would you prefer people to act?

TheSpottedZebra Sat 12-Dec-15 19:20:40

Sorry that you're feeling a but low.
But those people are only being nice/kind. It's good that we live in a world where the majority are nice and kind. Even though we worry that our vulnerable people might one day encounter people who aren't nice.

pretend Sat 12-Dec-15 19:21:52

YABU. They were all being nice.

glentherednosedbattleostrich Sat 12-Dec-15 19:23:11

A little. People are trying to be kind. But I totally get why.

I have a friend with a child who has learning difficulties and he doesn't understand social niceties and his mum struggles with this. It can be very frustrating when people try to make her feel better because it makes life difficult further down the line.

Smile and explain. Something like, I know you don't mind but others aren't as kind or patient as you so I just need to nip this behaviour in the bud. Thanks so much though.

VinylScratch Sat 12-Dec-15 19:23:35

YANBU to feel frustrated but the people in your OP clearly mean well, they think they are being kind to your son.

RubbleBubble00 Sat 12-Dec-15 19:24:39

I would just calmly reply that 'I appreciate you being kind but Im trying to help ds learn about appropriate behaviours as not everyone is as kind as yourself'

Dec2015 Sat 12-Dec-15 19:25:12

Really? After all the tutting old ladies on bus threads I think it's great that people are trying to engage with someone 'different' and be tolerant.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 12-Dec-15 19:26:06

" he chooses his victims well and very rarely, gets ignored"

Maybe you've done a smashing job already of helping him learn to judge character.

YABU I think, because these people are being lovely and tolerant. That's how people should be. You can't expect them to change to cater to the lowest common denominator.

But I can see why it's irksome.

MyFriendGoo52 Sat 12-Dec-15 19:26:40

Im fully aware that people are being nice and kind.

And it's great that most people are tolerant and lovely but it's still undermining my instructions.

Not only mine but work his school, respite team staff, OT and disability nurse are doing with him (( we do social stories too and all have the same approach when out in public ))

Gliblet Sat 12-Dec-15 19:27:13

YANBU (and you're very thoughtful).

Not quite the same thing I know, but we're trying to teach 3yo DS that he can't just run up to strange, large dogs in the park and snorgle them. Every time we say 'No! Stop, hold your hands out and let the dog come to you' we get a shitty look from the owner who assumes we're implying that their dog (specifically) is a rabid child-eater. However if we explain that we're just trying to teach him that not all dogs are fine with being pounced on and we'd like him to get into good habits they're very supportive.

AgentProvocateur Sat 12-Dec-15 19:28:30

Genuine question - what would you rather they said? I too would have reacted much the same as the people who you're so angry with. Tell me what you would want me to say?

Enjolrass Sat 12-Dec-15 19:29:02

People are embarrassed and are probably thinking that you are embarrassed and trying to defuse the situation. It's quite likely thy are trying to make life easier for you.

And be understanding of your ds' needs.

They are trying their best and doing what thy think is right. You need to come with something like op said that explains what you are trying to achieve. Especially when it's someone like the subway man who you know and are likely to see again.

MyFriendGoo52 Sat 12-Dec-15 19:29:07

That's the problem. It's the people who arent nice and there are many of them.

SummerNights1986 Sat 12-Dec-15 19:29:33

YANBU op, but neither are they. You're trying to teach him, they're just trying to be nice. It's frustrating but there's not a lot you can always do about it.

Slightly random comparison but...it kind of reminds me of when i'm standing at a crossing with the dc and a car slows down and waves us across.

I know they're trying to be nice but really I just want to stand and wait and teach my kids not to cross before the green man appears. And that lesson is all fucked up when people start slowing and waving you across!

TheCarpenter Sat 12-Dec-15 19:29:56

You sound like you're doing a fab job, Goo. You do what you feel is right by your son.

MammaTJ Sat 12-Dec-15 19:30:00

Oh dear, they are really well meaning though. A bit of kindness must help a bit.

I am going through the diagnosis process for ADHD with DD2. She is, as you can imagine, full of energy and hard to make sit still. I will never forget the bloke who looked daggers at me in MacDonalds for telling her firmly to stay in her seat and not run around. I know it's MacDonalds, but we have to start somewhere. I was having a bad day and he made a comment to his DS's who were sitting and chatting in a way that DD never would that made it clear he thought I should have just let her run around. Fuck off you stupid man, you don't have to deal with the fall out or her future!

goodnightdarthvader1 Sat 12-Dec-15 19:31:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsFring Sat 12-Dec-15 19:31:11

OP, I can imagine reacting in exactly those unhelpful ways myself; if I'm ever lucky enough to meet your boy (who sounds lovely) how should I react?

Bearbehind Sat 12-Dec-15 19:33:51

Op, in the situations described, what would you rather these people said?

It seems to me they have done what they thought best.

Surely ignoring your son, or worse still, being rude to him wouldn't have helped either.

It's a very difficult situation but if your son is going to strike up conversations with random strangers, those strangers are very limited in what they can say/ do. They aren't trying to make you feel an arsehole.

MyFriendGoo52 Sat 12-Dec-15 19:34:04

What would I like people to say ??

Nothing. People don't have to say anything. Maybe an 'ooohhh, best listen to mum then' comment if they feel they need to.

When I feel the need to intervene I don't expect to be told off. Babying people with disabilities is not helping them. Gooboy engages frequently with the wider community and he does it well the majority of the time. But he still needs assistance at times by the people who care for him.

ovenchips Sat 12-Dec-15 19:36:52

I am scratching my head on how strangers are making you feel like a 'complete arsehole' by being accommodating, or overly accommodating to your son. You are not being an arsehole, they are not being arseholes and your son is not being an arsehole, are you?!

I have a child with profound ASD. I guess I think differently to you but I will enforce things without exception at home (in an effort to get my DC to be able to do it while we're out). Then while we're out, if people are understanding and accommodating I'm terribly grateful! There are a lot worse experiences you could be having while you're out and about.

I'm not sure if I've missed something here but from what I've understood neither you nor anyone else has anything to feel bad about themselves about confused

MyFriendGoo52 Sat 12-Dec-15 19:37:44

See MammaTJ, well meaning but not helpful.

Like the shop assistant who wanted to let him serve me (( because he was talking about working in a shop when he's older )) lovely lady, lovely thought......but what about the next shop who don't allow it ??

Bearbehind Sat 12-Dec-15 19:38:28

You can't expect people to judge the situation correctly when they didn't even instigate the circumstances.

It would be rude to ignore your son in the circumstances you described,

If you really are uncomfortable then you need to be more forceful and make the situation how you want it.

Puzzledandpissedoff Sat 12-Dec-15 19:39:53

Doesnt help that he chooses his victims well and very rarely, gets ignored

You know what, OP - I don't think you're giving yourself anything like enough credit here smile Despite the difficulties, you've managed to raise a young man who obviously copes pretty well on the whole, and while we all get rejected for something at some point, he's somehow avoided that with the help of the guidance and love you've shown

Don't you think that's deserving of a quiet moment of satisfaction? Because I certainly do ...

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