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Aibu to think my friend should not be TTC?

(12 Posts)
mincebloodypie Sat 12-Dec-15 17:33:30

I'm a bit worried about my friend.

She has recently told me she and her DH are TTC number 3. They live in a one bedroom flat, and their eldest, age 4, is currently undergoing assessment for SN

If I am honest, I don't like her husband. He leaves everything to do with the house and kids to her. She gets up at 5am every morning to give him a lift to his job, which is less than 5 miles away. He always has money to spend on concert tickets and clothes, but she struggles with affording groceries.

She had been talking about getting a job, and I was glad because it meant independance for her, but now she wants baby no3 so that is out of the window...

i just don't know how to pretend I am happy and excited for her when she is making a huge mistake

Marilynsbigsister Sat 12-Dec-15 17:41:53

Don't then ! You don't have to be happy and excited, it's not obligatory but perhaps she WANTS 3 kids, in which case that's her choice. If however you think she is being coerced into it by her h, then now is the opportunity for you to be supportive and get her to open up to you.

Damselindestress Sat 12-Dec-15 17:44:07

YANBU. That sounds really difficult. Of course if she is struggling to feed 2 children she shouldn't have another. Her husband sounds financially abusive. 3 children in a one bedroom flat sounds very cramped as well. I don't think you should have to pretend to be happy for her under the circumstances, your concerns for her wellbeing and that of her children are valid. Do you feel able to talk to her about those concerns?

Ragwort Sat 12-Dec-15 17:44:22

I think you are in a very difficult position, I have known friends and family make absolute car crashes of their lives but if I had said anything I doubt it would make any difference whatsoever.

You could very, very gently have a chat with her - but don't expect her to listen sad.

ChippyOikInTinsel Sat 12-Dec-15 17:51:27

I was going to tell you to butt out but I think one or two very careful comments could be made out of real friendship. You are not being a busy body. 3 children for one woman and one lazy controlling financially abusive man - that's going to be a very, very hard life for her.

"Imagine, if you'd had your last child now would be the time to look at your options................ with work I mean"

Lweji Sat 12-Dec-15 17:59:16

It depends what kind of friend you are.
I have told a good friend a few times that she should leave her husband and why and that she has my support for that. But she'll have my friendship staying as well.

She won't hear me defending me, but I also don't pressure her into leaving him.
I'm sure she will if and when she's ready, because she is the only one who can do it and take responsibility for it.
But sometimes it is helpful that someone points out how bad things are. Or people will say, as often on these threads, but my friends love him, they'll believe him. Just let her know that it's not the case.

Lweji Sat 12-Dec-15 17:59:52

...defending him.

Lweji Sat 12-Dec-15 18:02:00

And I'm not sure you have realised it, but it's quite possible that he is pressuring her to have a 3rd child. That it's not at all what she really wants.
Some men abuse their wives by keeping them pregnant.

InTheBox Sat 12-Dec-15 18:08:00

You're perfectly entitled to have whatever opinion you have of him but like PP have said it may not make a blind bit of difference to what she chooses to do.

Of course you know your friend better but I once had a friend with similarish circumstances and when I voiced my concerns she more or less terminated the friendship as her dp told her I was a negative influence in her life. Lo and behold her and her dp eventually broke up and we now do speak but it'll never be like it once was.

ChippyOikInTinsel Sat 12-Dec-15 18:08:34

she could have an injection or something and pretend to be trying to give her some time.

InTheBox Sat 12-Dec-15 18:09:09

Lweji Absolutely! And it's not unheard of for abusive men to up the ante of abuse while their partner is pregnant.

slithytove Sat 12-Dec-15 18:41:38

Do they drag the kids out at 5am to do his lift? Sounds frightful for them all.

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