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HELP..... no help from parents!

(333 Posts)
pinky77 Sat 12-Dec-15 16:03:25

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

Snoopadoop Sat 12-Dec-15 16:08:49

It's difficult because although it would be nice if she could help you out you shouldn't have counted on it or assumed she could or would. It's not your sister's fault that she has helpful in laws, more income and a less complicated work pattern for her DH. If you can't afford £1000 a month (which for 3 is pretty good - 1 child in my area would be £850 full time nursery).
What has your mum said when you asked if she could help you with childcare?

Snoopadoop Sat 12-Dec-15 16:09:31

I didn't finish my sentence, sorry. If you can't afford the nursery fees you may have to give up work for a while.

SpanglesGalloway Sat 12-Dec-15 16:10:41

I understand why you feel that it's unfair but your parents are not obliged to help either you or your sister. Have you told them your looking at nurseries etc? If yes then they know your looking into childcare and if they still havnt offered I'd suspect they won't do!
My MIL collects my niece and nephew 3x a week from school. Before they were at school she had them for one day me and dh now expecting dc1 and mil making noises about how difficult it is with the grandkids she already looks after. It's unfair in a way but at the end of the day it's not obligatory for them to help

LifeIsChaos Sat 12-Dec-15 16:11:58

Are all your sisters kids school age?

If they are maybe that's the reason as they don't have them all day?

Oysterbabe Sat 12-Dec-15 16:12:26

That's pretty cheap for nursery. I'll be paying that for one full time. <helpful>

LyndaNotLinda Sat 12-Dec-15 16:12:29

I think it's really poor form of GPs not to recognise that if they help one sibling, then they should also help the others. Similarly you sister should suggest your parents help you out rather than her.

My mum helped each of us until the child turned 2 and then 'retired' until the next baby was born.

Are you close to your sister? Does she know you're struggling with the cost and if not, could you mention it to her? Someone should.

donajimena Sat 12-Dec-15 16:14:37

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.
I was the sibling that had children first so I got the lions share of childcare as it were.
But had my brother had children close in age my mum would have definitely split it.

SaucyJack Sat 12-Dec-15 16:14:46

I think your sister is taking the piss, and it's her expectations that are out of line.

I think it's absolutely, utterly reasonable for you to "have" to pay nursery fees for your own children while you work.

You may as well enjoy having the moral high ground, cos you've got to take it anyway smile

JenniferYellowHat1980 Sat 12-Dec-15 16:15:13

OP, given the help your sister has it does seem unfair, but are you honestly expecting your DM to look after six children for at least four days a week? Perhaps your DM feels she can't withdraw an arrangement that has been in place for some years now.

How did you arrange childcare before you had the second and third DC?

Iguessyourestuckwithme Sat 12-Dec-15 16:15:15

You should have considered the cost when having the children. They are your children and whether or not your mother has raised your other sisters children she is under no obligation. Also as your mother gets older should she not be entitled to spend her retirement time as she wishes.m rather than looking after her children's children?

NerrSnerr Sat 12-Dec-15 16:15:52

If your mum has minded the other children for 8 years maybe she wants a rest and the opportunity to do things she wants. My parents mind my nephews and have had childcare commitments for the last 9 years, it means they struggle to go on holidays and have to plan everything they do around looking after their grandchildren. We live away from our families so have to sort our own childcare anyway, but I like to think I wouldn't add to my parents burden if I did live closer.

ArmchairTraveller Sat 12-Dec-15 16:17:00

It might not seem fair, but the situation is probably more complicated than that.
My friend and her mother have similar ideas on parenting, act as a unit and gran takes care of her two grandchildren three days a week and occasional weekends.

My friend's sister is very different, has a number of clashes over the years with her mother over things including approaches to childcare, and her mother will babysit but won't consider anything longer than a few hours because of the grief and fallout and sulks and whatnot.
She is very fair about gifts and the rest when it comes to all grandchildren getting the same material things at Christmas and birthdays.
So, what do you think are the reasons behind your mother not wanting to take on your children in the same way? Ages? Personalities? Health? Status quo and familiarity?
Or is she just a heartless bitch?

NerrSnerr Sat 12-Dec-15 16:17:01

We have also taken childcare costs into consideration and is a huge factor in how many kids we have.

LyndaNotLinda Sat 12-Dec-15 16:18:10

Why do people always come onto these threads and say that parents aren't obliged to provide free childcare? Of course they're not obliged to. But the fact that they have for one means that they should, in the interests of fairness, do the same for the other if they also need it. What the OP's parents are doing is akin to buying a pony for one daughter and then telling the younger one that she can't have one because they can't afford it!

It's blatant favouritism and it's a crappy way to behave angry.

OP - YANBU. Go and talk to your sister. So what if she's angry with you? She's behaving very selfishly.

WaitingForSnow Sat 12-Dec-15 16:18:38

Plenty of people have no help from grandparents although I do understand it would grate if your sister does while you don't. Like other have said that cost for care is pretty low. Is it an option to give up work for a while? Don't he benefits of working outweigh the costs? You might find the difference of £50 a month you actually earn after childcare is not worth it. Could you start a business from home?

ArmchairTraveller Sat 12-Dec-15 16:20:06

'I think it's really poor form of GPs not to recognise that if they help one sibling, then they should also help the others. '

Even if the parents whine on about organic carrots, never using the word 'no'and the need for expressive dance and tuba practice before lunch?
Some parents have such specific ideas about how their children should be treated, the only people able to do everything in the meticulous detail required are the parents.

ArmchairTraveller Sat 12-Dec-15 16:21:30

Sorry, I've had friend's mother in tears over the guilt of not being able to face treating both of her daughters equally in the childcare stakes. But the younger one is...difficult.

SevenSeconds Sat 12-Dec-15 16:22:03

I would be really upset in your situation OP. Maybe your mum feels she is committed to your sister and can't let her down? But she must realise she is treating you unfairly.

I've always had more help from my parents than my brother has. That's mainly for geographical reasons though.

LyndaNotLinda Sat 12-Dec-15 16:22:11

I don't see any evidence that the OP is behaving like that, do you Armchair? hmm

HermioneWeasley Sat 12-Dec-15 16:22:49

I'm also of the "it's nobody else's responsibility to look after your kids" school but assuming you both live locally and she's helped your sister, it does seem very unfair.

Presumably after 8 years at least 1 if not 2 or 3 of your sister's kids are at school now? Does she still need your mum?

RudeElf Sat 12-Dec-15 16:23:07

You want your mother to have 6 children to look after every day for free? hmm

Why on earth did you have 3 children without planning how you would care for them?

ArmchairTraveller Sat 12-Dec-15 16:28:24

No lynda, which is why I asked the OP's opinion.
Three children under 5, sister has three but how old? How easy are they to manage as individuals or in a mob?

LittlestLightOnTheTree Sat 12-Dec-15 16:28:46

Hold on...you say 'instead'

So you expect your mother to stop doing the existing childcare and do yours instead?

RudeElf Sat 12-Dec-15 16:29:32

But the fact that they have for one means that they should, in the interests of fairness, do the same for the other if they also need it.

Err, no! It doesnt. Ever.

"Only give of yourself what you feel comfortable with" -advice doled out on Mn time and time again when people feel under pressure to do more than they want to. Just because she did it before doesnt mean she should do it again. Where would it end? What if OP goes on to have more than her 3, because well, whats one or two more when youve no childcare to pay for?! Granny can manage. hmm people have to draw their own lines and if this grandparent says she cant do more than she is doing that is perfectly reasonable. No-one should be having children based on an expectation of free childare because a sibling got it.

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