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AIBU to dislike Christmas

(38 Posts)
hartmel Sat 12-Dec-15 06:06:53

I have been married to this wonderful man. He has become my best friend but is also my husband and the father of our two beautiful children..
Anyways my parents have never accepted him as my partner. I don't know why. So the last two years I have been visiting my parents alone with my kids as DH just does not want to go there.. (We have been married for 5 years now)

Anyways 3 years ago we have decided that we wanted to move oversea and that Christmas my parents asked us if it was alright if they could invite my uncle and aunt with their children the same day as we would have our Christmas gathering. I told my parents that I don't agree as it might the last Christmas we have together as family before we would move and didn't want to have extended family there.. They weren't happy but where ok..
Anyways when we arrived at my parents house on Christmas Day they didn't mention anything but at 5 pm my mom got up and said she has to set the table for coffee and cake and that at 6 pm my extended family would come.
So even that they agreed to our wishes they still went behind our back and invited them.. So DH and I got upset and said good bye and started to leave well my dad didn't even look at me and when I went to him to say good bye (we always hug) he gently pushed me away.
Since then my parents have always done whatever they wanted. Always expected us to come on short notice. Or deciding everything with my brother and his wife and at the end when I tell them I can't come because I'm busy. They get upset and tell me that they discussed it with everyone about what they had planed. They never have.
They expect us to come and visit them even in winter time when it is minus 30 outside I have to pack up my kids (who are now 2 and 1 years old) just so they can see them..

Since then we have escaped Christmas time. Always booked a trip
Now Christmas is just days away and they still haven't talked to us what they are planning it will be again a last minute decision and we have to agree or they will not talk to us for a couple days..

I so want for my kids to have a good Christmas with their grandparents but every year I just have that picture in front of me where my dad pushed me away because he was so mad at me for not staying.. All I wanted was to have Christmas with just my family not extended family (I didn't know at that time but I was pregnant with our first baby)

We never moved due to me being pregnant and having some difficulties..

Sorry it got this long...
Only my husband knows about it as he saw it and I tried talking to my parents but they don't understand how I feel..

CarbeDiem Sat 12-Dec-15 06:35:12

Do what you want to do as a family unit.
When my kids were little I was always stressed on Christmas day from trying to keep family happy, plus I felt it unfair to my Dc having to leave their toys and be dragged from house to house.
It wasn't until I knocked it on the head and started staying at home with the boys that I realised it didn't have to be all stressful.
Boxing day became 'Christmas day' for family members.

Xenadog Sat 12-Dec-15 06:36:07

Christmas isn't the problem, it's the dynamics of your relationship with your parents.

You say your parents haven't talked to you about what they are planning. Have you told them? Have you invited them to yours and are waiting for a reply or are you expecting them to invite you?

I would just make plans for your little immediate family unit and arrange to see your parents over the Christmas period when it's convenient.

I think the whole wanting to just be with your parents a bit claustrophob tbh! Why shouldn't they spend the day with extended family and not just you and your dh? That's a bit unreasonable to me.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 12-Dec-15 06:39:19

It sounds like you are as much at fault as they are.

You sound very childish about the fact they wanted to invite close members of their family to spend Christmas Day at their house as well as you, - and you left in a strop..They have been difficult if they haven't accepted your dh.

Snazapoo Sat 12-Dec-15 06:54:25

I actually think you are being a bit unreasonable here.

You told your parents that they couldn't invite their own family to their own house for tea? That's quite rude and precious and your dad was probably quite embarrassed by your behaviour.

Perhaps they have decided to have Christmas how they want and you should try and do the same.

Could you take a turn hosting and invite them? Or could you talk to your brother and make arrangements that way?

Optimist1 Sat 12-Dec-15 06:59:32

You say that as a punishment for not agreeing to their Christmas plans they won't talk to you "for a couple of days", which makes me think that your normal contact with them must be pretty much daily. If so, for a family that's usually in constant contact you don't communicate much, do you?

Going back to the last Christmas you spent with them, it does seem odd that you were resentful of the fact that your parents wanted to invite aunt/uncle ( one of your parents' siblings ) and family on a day that is focussed on family. They seem to have tried to accommodate your wishes by asking them to come in the evening, and presumably since you were on the point of moving away it would be an opportunity for you to say goodbye to them, too?

I think, deep down, you must have some idea of why they don't like your husband. The issue is only going to get worse if you don't address it. Two years of him not visiting with you and nothing said on either side? Weird.

Why haven't you discussed plans for this Christmas with them? It sounds as though you and your husband are sitting waiting for a phone call to tell you what's happening. Communication works both ways!

You say that you're keen for your children to have Christmas with their grandparents, yet you've avoided this scenario in the two years that you've had children. What's changed?

Re-reading above sounds a bit forceful, OP, but perhaps a bit of food for thought? Perhaps you could make a NY resolution to improve the communication issues. Remember that for the majority of people Christmas is a time for compromise and generosity of spirit and that it'll all be over in a couple of weeks.

NoahVale Sat 12-Dec-15 07:01:03

I dont understnad why you didnt want your uncle and aunt there? They are your relatives, and also your parents.

Enjolrass Sat 12-Dec-15 07:03:09

Tbh in the first situation I think Yabu.

It's their house, you had almost all Christmas Day with your parents. I really don't think you can dictate who they invite. If she was setting the table at 6pm the extended family came late.

I don't think it's fair to say 'I want you all to myself on Christmas day' when it's their house and there is other family they would like to see.

Also, you didn't move so it wasn't the last Christmas

The other Christmas' , seemed confused. You book to go away but are annoyed that they aren't wanting got spend Christmas with you. But you are going away.

Not everyone books Christmas ages in advance. If it's last minute, bring it up before you book.

'Can we come to you on Christmas Day this year?'

Or 'do you want to come to us?'

Regarding your dad not hugging you, is there more to this? Could he feel that you dictate everything and strop when you dorm get your own way and has had enough?

Speak to him about that. You say yourself he was mad about you leaving. Can't you just accept he was upset at what happened?

NoahVale Sat 12-Dec-15 07:27:32

Reading your post, I guess they havent discussed christmas with you as they have their heads in the sand, assuming you will book christmas away, yet no doubt they want to see you, and also their grandchildren. do you see them the rest of the year?

Moving15 Sat 12-Dec-15 07:31:29

So if you don't get your way then you strop. And if they don't get their way they strop. All sounds fair to me!

Champagneformyrealfriends Sat 12-Dec-15 07:41:28

I agree that YABU. Sorry op but you can't just dictate to other people how they organise their lives then essentially storm off when they don't fall in line. Reading between the lines I think your DH has more to do with this than you're letting on too.

hartmel Sat 12-Dec-15 16:12:51

I should have explained why I didn't want my uncle there.
First of all my parents agreed to not invite them but did it anyways.. Why couldn't they invited him the next day or any other day..
Second of all, my parent always took my uncle side over us kids. It has been since I can remember..
My uncle and me share the same birthday. He is just 20 years older.. Anyways because of him I never ever in my life had a birthday party..
When I asked my parents for one it was always "but it is your uncles birthday and all the extended family are coming to celebrate and we promised your aunt to help with the meals" (they where living beside us.
I got raised to be polite and so I always went to my uncle and wished him happy birthday. He always forgot mine. One time someone wished me happy birthday and he heard it and that was after I wished him happy birthday and he came to me and said "oh <enter name here> I totally forgot it is your birthday today too happy birthday by the way" every year I hated my birthday as I wanted to have one of those children birthday parties like everyone else...

So am I still being unreasonable for wishing to celebrate that one day alone with my family without my uncle being there..

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 12-Dec-15 16:15:38

That was one hell of a drip feed.

Oysterbabe Sat 12-Dec-15 16:18:31

Yes you are still bu and sound like a bit of a brat tbh.

hartmel Sat 12-Dec-15 16:27:50

And my relationship to my parents is not good.
They are more those type of people that will give you money to shut up..
When I was pregnant with DD I was 8 month pregnant and had a 11 month old son who could not walk. And it was my dads birthday. That day I had a headache and my Braxton hicks where very painful and every 10-15 min. Plus I had spd.. So I told my parents that I might not be able to come to his birthday as I wasn't feeling well. They were so mad at me for not showing up they didn't talk to me for a week.. Some days I didnt know how to cook a meal for DS and DH because I was so in pain and my mom knew it. I even texted her saying that I'm so sick and I can't cook for my family. All I got from her was "ok" we can't afford take out a lot.. Instead my mom bringing us the left over from my dads birthday she gave it to their dog... They only live 2 miles away from my house..
We live in this house now for 2 years and they have only visited us 3-5 times..

I have tried so many times to invite them to our place. I even planed my birthday this year. They didn't show up. I always discussed with her about Christmas way in advance but every time they changed the subject. So I gave up.. I just felt worse of my time trying to organize a party, get together etc. and at the end when the day approached they got mad at me for not showing up as I thought they didn't want to get together. But then i always had to hear "well we discussed about it the last time you came to visit." They never did..

Yes I agree the communication between me and family is not good but I have tried so many times. I'm giving up.

So many nights I have cried my self to sleep because of how they act. If I would write down everything I could open a book..

This is the first time I wrote it down..

Spilose Sat 12-Dec-15 16:29:49

You're ridiculous. It's not your uncles fault your parents overlooked your birthday. Punishing him by saying he wasn't welcome is very childish.

grumpysquash2 Sat 12-Dec-15 16:36:11

Why not pick up the original plan of moving overseas?

InTheBox Sat 12-Dec-15 16:44:01

This whole situation sounds rather toxic tbh. It's not about Xmas.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sat 12-Dec-15 16:48:07

Stop trying! Do what you want to do. So what if they ignore you for a few days.
You get to decide who where when, visit friends, see a panto, if they invite and you`re busy suggest anotjer day.
YABU for letting them dictate. YABVU in letting them upset you.

hartmel Sat 12-Dec-15 16:51:07

Our plan to move overseas is still on. We can't sell the house it is on market for a year already..

antimatter Sat 12-Dec-15 16:51:45

Why didn't your dh cook for your family?

Enjolrass Sat 12-Dec-15 17:01:43

So you are angry that you texted your mum saying you couldn't cook and she didn't bring you leftovers from a birthday party.

Maybe she thought your dh could sort something?

It really sounds like you take everything to heart and everything has a motive behind it.

If you were so ill, where was your dh?

I agree with a pp who said you know why you parents don't like your husband and this is at the root of it.

I find it very odd that you randomly text your mum to say you were to ill to cook and didn't ask for help.

You need to speak to your parents because I think their version of events will be very different to yours.

Ragwort Sat 12-Dec-15 17:02:55

How old are you? Why are you so desperate to have your parents' approval. You need to learn to detach from them, you are an adult.

Enjoy Christmas with your children and husband, don't worry about anyone else.

ButEmilylovedhim Sat 12-Dec-15 17:04:50

OP, it all sounds very sad. I'm sorry you've grown up with this. How sad (and bad of your parents) never to have had your birthday acknowledged properly. Your uncle sounds horrible too. I think you would have had a more sympathetic hearing in the Relationship topic. You could report your own post and ask for it to be moved if you like. You could also post on the Stately Home thread. They will understand.

It sounds like they gaslight you, saying we talked about Christmas arrangements when you know they didn't. That's going to make you feel powerless and confused and with no way to respond. They are blaming you for their actions, in effect. Do come over to the Stately homes thread, they sound so toxic. flowers to you x

timelytess Sat 12-Dec-15 17:19:16

You expected to be able to tell your parents who they could have visiting their house? I find this quite shocking.

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