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To be pissed off that my partner told me he's going to an ex's party tomorrow?

(31 Posts)
BeeXxX Sat 12-Dec-15 00:07:27

Basically he told me that the ex's kid has a party tomorrow....the child's dad (a friend of his) has invited him but the child's mother is an ex of my partner (I don't think it was serious). But while I was heavily pregnant I found he'd been messaging her....nothing bad that I know to but I was livid as she's an ex. He told me no more contact at all. So I'm furious that he would even think this is ok.
He doesn't seem to take my feelings into account. I'm beyond hurt and upset that he would consider going to this party (not even a mention that me or my kids were able to go, though I wouldn't but you get where I'm coming from). AIBU?? X

Tate15 Sat 12-Dec-15 08:02:53

The father of the kid must presumably know that he has a partner (you), so it is a bit off not to invite you both as a couple.

It isn't an adult get together so your partner going on his own to a child's party isn't the social event of the year.

I'd be annoyed if he went on his own, not because he is going to get up to anything but just because the invitation snubbed you.

He is probably just thoughtless rather than up to anything untoward.

lemonslemonslemons Sat 12-Dec-15 08:04:08

YANBU. Why would his friend not invite you too?

allnewredfairy Sat 12-Dec-15 08:17:58

Undecided on this one OP.what's you relationship with DP's mate and Ex like and if the invitation was to you all would you have gone? What response would you have liked him to give to his friend? Do you think the invitation was innocently given by his mate who might casually asked if he wanted to come along or do you suspect an element of ex and partner stirring it?

ProfessorPreciseaBug Sat 12-Dec-15 08:27:36

Do you want to go along? The ex is now mother of his mates child. Do they have a good relationship? If so, I think it unlikely she wants your hubby back.

I do think DP should ask you come along. To not do so seems very odd to me.

DragonRojo Sat 12-Dec-15 08:34:50

His mate probably asked him because he wants some adult company in a boring kids party. Adding you and your children might have been difficult, especially if the children are different ages or just don't know each other. Would you have wanted to go off the invitation had been extended?

scarlets Sat 12-Dec-15 09:16:37

Your oh is just providing adult male company for the dad. I'm not particularly surprised that you and DCs were not invited- I don't suppose that the birthday child wants strange children there, especially if it's not a "whole class" party and some kids (s)he actually knows were excluded.

Leviticus Sat 12-Dec-15 09:31:07

This is an ex of your DP, they were not serious, she's now settled with a new partner and child and your DP is mates with her new partner (and by the sound of it would have liked to be friends with her too had you not stamped your feet).

Yes. You are being unreasonable and jealous.

G1veMeStrength Sat 12-Dec-15 09:34:37

This 'messaging' - what was it? You say 'nothing bad' but it must have been something inappropriate for you to mention it. I've got a feeling yanbu.

Leviticus Sat 12-Dec-15 09:39:21

I interpreted that as the messages were just normal chat but that the OP doesn't think he should speak to her because they were once an item.

I'm friendly with a couple of blokes I've been out with in the distant past so I don't see that as an issue.

OurBlanche Sat 12-Dec-15 10:27:05

So, one bloke invites his mate (who he knows is an ex of his current partner) to his kids party, presumably as adult company and you think this is an invitation to re-start an old love affair?

I think 'furious' is an emotion you need to think about. And he is not the only one ignoring someone's feelings. What about his? He is an adult, able to make his own decisions. You are being emotionally controlling and VU.

And I only have your version of events to go by!

I hope you can think your way through your upset and work out why this scares you so much. I doubt you will be happy in this relationship until you can.

BeeXxX Sat 12-Dec-15 11:17:09

The ex and the child's father aren't together...and my partner and him aren't close friends. The party is for a and my partner have two kids similar age to the ex's.
I can see where people would think I'm jealous or overreacting....but my partner doesn't like me speaking to exes or guy friends in general, so when we got serious I respected his feelings and ended any contact. And like I said when I was heavily pregnant I found out he was messaging two exes, one said he was being shady and the other, this ex, was nothing (that I'm aware of, but could have been along similar lines). I asked him to respect my feelings like I had done previously (despite never giving him a reason to feel uncomfortable) he agreed, apologised and we moved on.
So for him to bring up going to this party seems to be a kick in the teeth for me. I have never met either of these people but surely as his partner and mother to his two kids they would invite us all which I would have found slightly weird but would have maybe eased the situation. I dunno....x

Saukko Sat 12-Dec-15 11:38:25

It's a kid's birthday party. Why's he going around inviting random adults ("Oh, I'll invite her ex-boyfriend, he'd be thrilled at a bit of Pass the Parcel.")

I don't know, whole thing seems weird. When my ex became an ex we ceased contact and never saw one another again. I wouldn't expect his partner to invite me to his kids' parties, nor would I find anything attractive about the idea of going!

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sat 12-Dec-15 11:44:29

I think you gave bigger problems than this tbh.

He doesn't like you speaking to men and you went along with that?

Is he controlling in other ways?

CandyCaneCottage Sat 12-Dec-15 11:47:45


So she is the one stopping messaging and that in the op, but says that essentially it's mutual as he doesn't want her speaking to guys, but she's got a serious problem? I'd say they're both as bad as eachother

Isetan Sat 12-Dec-15 11:54:44

You weren't respecting his feelings by not talking to men, you were capitulating and now you realise that that 'respect' was a one way street.

Are you pissed off at the double standard or that he's within 50 paces of an Ex? You've got bigger problems than a kids party and hopefully the lightbulb is switched on.

BeeXxX Sat 12-Dec-15 12:04:54

Candy...I actually said that at the beginning of our relationship that he asked me not to have contact with exes, as like most single people I was friends with, so I agreed as I respected our relationship not to involve exes in the mix.
The issue with him is I told him the same thing which he told me he agreed with, then I found out he was lying to me, he agreed again to cut contact, and not he brings up this party.
My issue is double standards, I respect his feelings but mine don't come into consideration. I understand exes can be friends but it's the lying and the fact that he does nothing to ease my mind, he just adds to it. X

ChippyOikInTinsel Sat 12-Dec-15 12:06:57

one rule for you and no rule for him it seems.

for what it's worth i wouldn't worry about what might happen at a children's party and I agree that the birthday child's father invited your partner for company, or, to cause awkwardness for his own agenda. The child's mother has a baby? and they're not together, so the child's mother must be with somebody else if they have a baby. If so, how delighted will he be that two of his partners exes are present. But that's not your circus.

Do think that you need to think about why you are moderating your behaviour for a man who doesn't do the same for you. I'm betting it's not like you were an outrageously insensitive flirt to start with. why did you need to rein yourself in and cut contact with male friends?

BeeXxX Sat 12-Dec-15 21:38:37

So he left at half 6 for this so called party. I honestly feel like things like this will always come first with him.
I don't mind him going out and having a good time, but he always puts me and our sons below everything else. ALWAYS. He works 5/6 days a week, comes home from his shift, has a bath and goes to bed, then at the weekend stays in bed all day. He doesn't seem to think that me and our sons need time with him. He just doesn't get it and I'm done trying.
It's always double standards....I go out and have to tell him who I'm with, where I'm going and when I'm home....I'm on my fone and he asks who I'm messaging (usually my mum and my best friend) but heaven forbid I ask who he's texting....if I have to make a decision, even down to buying things to help potty train our eldest, I have to ask first......I'm tired of it all. I want to be able to feel comfortable in my own home and within my relationship and I don't feel that way right now. X

Potatoface2 Sat 12-Dec-15 21:49:45

just gonna pass the banjo on this one!

MammaTJ Sat 12-Dec-15 22:17:31

Sorry, I have tried really hard and cannot get myself worked up about your DP going to and exes kids party that he was invited to by his exes current DP!

It is just very low on the radar!

There is a lot more stuff in your relationship that really does need sorting though!

Marilynsbigsister Sun 13-Dec-15 08:40:56

So OP, your relationship is fairly rubbish. He basically does everything he wants and lives a single life. He doesn't answer to you or discuss anything with you as a life partner and parent. ? You, however are answerable to him (or feel you are). How long have you been together, ? How long before you had kids ? We're children planned by you both or happy 'accidents' for you. ? All these things are important in making a relationship last.

Marilynsbigsister Sun 13-Dec-15 08:41:45

We're - were !

BeeXxX Sun 13-Dec-15 10:11:31

We've been together a little over two years...we got caught with our first son pretty quick (wasn't planned but wasn't entirely stopping it either, when we met it was like we both knew we wanted each other forever, I know some don't believe in that but I did) and our second son was planned but I would have waited a little longer......

BeeXxX Sun 13-Dec-15 10:14:47

I keep saying to him that we need more chance to go out together, we never really got chance to so missed out on being just us, our own fault I know, but I feel we should then make an extra effort. Loads of people offer to babysit so we have plenty of opportunity but he just doesn't seem interested. He thinks because he has me forever and now our boys that he doesn't need to try anymore. It's frustrating and hurtful. Everything that he needs I do, or do my best at but he doesn't think it applies to him too. X

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