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AIBU?

To be really really upset? (& angry with DH)

38 replies

HicDraconis · 11/12/2015 23:57

I had a funeral to go to this morning. Not a family member but a colleague with whom I have worked for the last 6 years. She was amazing and died very unexpectedly.

DH had his hobby to go to this morning. Usually it would finish 11:30, in time for me to be at the service for 12. Today was an unusual morning in that training was combined with an extremely high level grading (5th dans grading to 6th dan, it started at 6am).

DH stayed to both sessions (general class which finished on time and the following class which overran by over an hour due to it also being part of the grading). He therefore has only just left - and in the meantime, I have been at home with our children wondering where the hell he is.

AIBU to be really sad at missing the funeral, and fuming with DH for staying to the grading part of the second class when he knew I needed him back? He says he couldn't leave (which is nonsense, because I rang the dojo to find out if he was still there and was told he could have done). He could (and should) also have known that as part of an extraordinary grading, the class wouldn't run to time. He didn't need to stay to the second session, he wanted to. And forgot about the funeral until too late (it's been on the weekly planner all week, he wrote it there).

He's been out 9.15-13:30, leaving me with both boys, a house to clear up before visitors for lunch (who will get here before he does), a lunch to sort for 9 people, apparently an afternoon play date is also happening (DS2 just told me) - and I was at work yesterday 7.30-midnight, will be back tomorrow 8am for 24h.

I am pissed off! Feel slightly better for venting, as you were.

OP posts:

Report

CalleighDoodle · 12/12/2015 00:16

Id be consumed by anger and sadness if that happened to me. Yanbu. Sorry for your loss. I dont believe your dh forgot a funeral? Who forgets a funeral? Selfish behaviour completely x

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 12/12/2015 00:18

YANBU

GiddyOnZackHunt · 12/12/2015 00:24

Yanbu. He could have flagged up his time constraint and made sure to be home.
He chose not to.
But why on earth did you not cancel the lunch date?

cestlavielife · 12/12/2015 00:28

Could you have left the dc with a neighbour ? Or dropped them off where dh was ?
Sorry for your loss

BillBrysonsBeard · 12/12/2015 00:33

YANBU one little bit. Just so inconsiderate.. Even if it wasn't intentional, something so important to you should have been at the forefront of his mind!

PiperChapstick · 12/12/2015 00:47

So he stayed at golf fully aware that this meant you couldn't go to a close friends funeral?

What a total and utter fucking prick.

So sorry for your loss. And for your selfish husband

TimeToMuskUp · 12/12/2015 00:50

YANBU at all, your DH has some serious work to do to make this up. Have you had time to talk to him yet about how utterly shitty and reprehensible his behaviour was towards you today, when you needed him?

Russellgroupserf · 12/12/2015 00:51

You have missed a funeral because of his utterly selfish behaviour.

He is a total shit and due to my non sunny disposition on appalling behaviour I would be making him suffer.

I agree with Call consumed with anger and sadness sums it up.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 12/12/2015 00:57

Higher level gradings take hours. He must know that.

Is he apologetic?

chumbler · 12/12/2015 01:05

Is he apologetic? From your op it sounds like he forgot? Try not go take it too hard if that's the case. I'm sorry you didn't get to go

TendonQueen · 12/12/2015 01:10

That is really selfish. Although in your position I'd have taken the kids with me and gone to the funeral when he wasn't home in time. But even if you'd done that, he would still have been selfish. Has he apologised? Did he roll up his sleeves and pitch in for lunch, guest care etc when he got back?

ohtheholidays · 12/12/2015 01:31

YANBU that's a really shitty thing to do OP,I'm sorry for your loss [fowers]

From what you've said it sounds like he's very selfish and pre occupied with himself far to often and you doing everything and working 24 hours?

If it was me I'd find it hard to forgive to be honest and I'd be having a serious talk with him about where you want things to go within your relationship from now on.

orlakielyimnot · 12/12/2015 01:34

He sounds v selfish.

Mmmmcake123 · 12/12/2015 01:36

Piper, I presumed golf too!

OP, bless xxx

BreakfastLunchPasta · 12/12/2015 02:13

I'm very sorry for your loss xx

I'd be extremely upset too if it was me. How selfish of him. Childish, but I'd be tempted to leave him with the DC and not come back on time next time he needs to go and do something important.

HicDraconis · 12/12/2015 03:54

Thanks all - feeling somewhat better and he has repeatedly apologised, admitted he made a monumental fuckup and apologised some more. Lunch date was unexpected (good friend texted to see if they could drop by with some bits we had asked for) and playdate I thought was tomorrow but was organised between two 8 year olds on the phone last week and turns out was today. I've eaten cake which always helps!

Not golf - karate. Which to be fair, we'd normally all be at (particularly today with our 5th and 6th Dan belts grading to 6th and 7th, although I'd have left after the first session for the funeral leaving DH there with boys) - but ds2 is sick, I'm not allowed to train for another week or so (3 weeks post emergency surgery) and ds1 was worried about me & wanted to keep me company. I do know how long and serious and emotional higher belt gradings get and I totally know how impossible it feels to leave part way through the talks or demonstrations so I know what he means when he says he didn't think he could leave.

And he's still feeling bad about it. Whereas I have decided to stop letting being sad and angry spoil my one day off and have baked a black and white cake for a friend's daughter's birthday.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 12/12/2015 03:54

YANBU in the slightest.

What he did was a piece of first class knobbery.

'I couldn't leave'/ 'I forgot' = 'I don't give a rat's ass about things that are important to you.'

3luckystars · 12/12/2015 04:41

I recently lost a good friend at work too and I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken. If my dh did that to me I would have been so hurt, I can understand why you are mad, I am mad at him for you!!! I don't know how you are going to forgive him, I really needed to go to the funeral to say goodbye and I am sorry you missed that opportunity because your dh was so selfish. My sympathies are with you, I hope you have someone sympathetic you can talk to, it was the biggest shock of my life when my friend died, I am still shocked over it but at least we can all talk to each other at work, I hope you have nice colleagues that can help you through this. Best wishes x

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 12/12/2015 04:48

Thinking about you. I once lost a dear dear colleague unexpectedly and found it dreadful. Hope you can find another way of saying goodbye... A mini wake and drinks with your team?

Hope DH gives you so,e space and good on you for making the best of things in the meantime

sashh · 12/12/2015 05:27

I will repeat the words of my old English teacher. You forgot? You mean you couldn't be bothered to remember.

Xenadog · 12/12/2015 06:48

I wonder if your dh is of the: "it's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission" brigade? You know, of the mind-set of do what suits you, apologise, sound contrite and then get on with life as nothing really changes.

If he behaves like this often things would have to change.

I actually don't believe he forgot about the funeral - unless you have got some sort of SN you aren't going to be so wrapped up in a hobby that you forget your dw's friend's funeral.

Dipankrispaneven · 12/12/2015 07:32

OP knows more about what is involved in karate and moving to another dan than we do, and does understand her DH's thinking and how he could have felt unable to leave. Let's leave it there, shall we?

Heebiejeebie · 12/12/2015 07:36

If the Op would have done the same and made him miss his friend's funeral, then let's leave it there.

HicDraconis · 12/12/2015 07:46

No. Has to be said - I wouldn't have gone, or I'd have worked out a way to get back home in time.

DH - no SN, but some fairly fixed thought processes. It wouldn't occur to him to do what he wanted and then ask permission, he doesn't think like that. That's more me. Luckily he's not this spectacularly thoughtless often - this is probably only the second time in 12 years I've been this annoyed with him.

He's still really cut up over it. I think he's mentally punishing himself more than I would have even before I opened the wine.

OP posts:

WizzardHat · 12/12/2015 07:49

He was in the wrong and I'm confused about the bit where he couldn't leave and forgot, but OP knows him better than we do. It is difficult to leave club business when you run it as a team; you feel you have responsibilities.

OP - will there be a separate memorial service for your friend that you can go to? It's not the same, I know. I'm sorry for your loss.

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