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To be utterly pissed of with dp, In fact I know im not already so this is a rant.

(42 Posts)
mumofsnotbags Fri 11-Dec-15 15:03:52

He has over the last 4 years had 3 jobs, the first 1 he was actually being bullied in, it was a horrible time I had just had a baby and he was being forced out of his job.

He left anyway went somewhere else and the same thing happened again, although to me it seems that he was asked to do something by a foreman, didn't like having to do it so kicked up a fuss, making the foreman give him the even worse jobs, this he said amounted again to bullying, from this job he was eventually let go. In his next work place same thing repeated itself, to cut a long story short there were a few who were mate sin this place, took a dislike to dp (who to be fair to him is a really hard worker, always going in at 7 coming home bout half 5 - 6) so he was let go because he wouldnt sign a new contract lowering his wages to 2 thirds of what they originally were, long long story I wont go into but again he was eventually finished up in July. His dad was diagnosed with cancer and began chemo so dp couldn't concentrate fully at work. Its been a horrible time for us the past few years anyway.

During this time I've been setting up a business along with looking after ds who is now 3 and only at nursery 2 full days a week, I've been able to do more work as he has been here to entertain ds but it was only ever a temporary measure that we agreed on.

In august I was given the horrible news that my grandmother who has raised me as her own was given an end of life notice due to spreading cancer that we thought was under control, to say it was a shock to us is an understatement. Her final wish was to be kept at home so I and my uncle did that to our best, I would spend days there caring for her until she finally passed away in October. Ive not been able to grieve in the time since as Im constantly worrying about money. DH has now been signed off sick since July, his reasons for not looking for another job are because he is depressed I can see why he is due to the bullying from work and he is getting help to gain his confidence back, and the other is because he needs to drive his dad to chemo. With all due respect the hospital is 10 minutes from their house, I have offered numerous and have actually even taken hims a few times. so I don't see this as a reason to not be looking for work.

I found out this morning due to someone calling the house that he was offered 2 weeks temp agency work starting from today that he had turned down.I am fuming. I've had to come upstairs as I cant even face looking at him. For the pas 6 months I've tried so hard to hold it altogether, running round after him and ds along with clearing out my nans belongings which was hard in itself, then id have to come home and clean the house, if I made a fuss he'd clean the kitchen once and think that was enough... I feel like i've lost all respect for him, sorry just ranting as i have no one in rl to talk to about this.

Chillyegg Fri 11-Dec-15 15:07:52

Gosh sounds like your having a hard time! I have no constructive advice but hear for a hand hold.
Also yanbu

Epilepsyhelp Fri 11-Dec-15 15:09:45

YANBU, but I guess different people have different levels of ability to cope, his dad's cancer is obviously something he is not coping with.

As to the work situation it sounds like there's a strong pattern of him not getting along with bosses or workmates, is he contributing to this pattern at all?

You are being amazingly strong and he really needs to step up fast. I would be very angry but I would try and calm down before speaking to him, given his dad's situation,


PurpleDaisies Fri 11-Dec-15 15:10:12

It sounds like you've both got a lot on your plate at the moment. I can totally understand why you're frustrated with him but clinical depression can be hard to recover from (but it is hard to live with someone suffering with it so flowers for you). What treatment has he been having? It is scary going back to work when you're not sure how you'll cope, especially in an unfamiliar work place, so maybe you're being a bit hard on him.

Do you had any rest time coming up over Christmas?

Specialsnowflake1 Fri 11-Dec-15 15:19:37

TBH I would be asking him to buck up or move out. I would not for a minute believe 100% that he was getting bullied at work in two different places. Once yes but twice?

Personally I believe that if you have a family and a roof over your head you need to get your but out of bed and get to work. Is he engaging with the GP about his depression? Has he looked into talking therapy? Look at his meds?

I am truly sorry that your FIL has been diagnosed with cancer and with your gran passing away.

BrandNewAndImproved Fri 11-Dec-15 15:27:53

It sounds to me like he was the reason his jobs wouldn't work op.

mumofsnotbags Fri 11-Dec-15 15:45:19

Thank you all, I know how horrible it can be when your feeling low which is the only reason ive not screamed today, instead I came upstairs for a break away from him. He has been seeing the dr even before his job ended, id say around february. he sees a counsellor once a week and has so far refused antidepressants.

I too believe that he is to blame for the job situation, I can understand the first 1, it was one of his closest friend who did the dirty on him, got himself in with the office crowd and got promoted kicking down dp in the process, so he lost his job and a good mate. Since then he has issues with people in authority at work and also people in general, he used to be so happy and would chat to anybody, now all he wants to do is stay at home. The whole work thing has become a huge thing around his neck and he's developing a fear of getting back out there, when in fact I think thats exactly what he needs to distract him and keep him busy. I've even mentioned going part time so he still spends time with ds and his dad but also has something for himself.

I sound like a bitch but It's horrible to be with or around him right now. Im keeping it together for ds's sake but i cannot bear the atmosphere. he was out monday and tuesday this week helping a friend do work and those 2 days were bliss for me, but now he's back again with no joy for the future, it's going to be a horrible horrible christmas here. he's just here moping about his dad which without making it sound lighthearted, its not like they've been given bad news. he is undergoing chemo then they will assess and possibly operate to remove a tumour in his liver. after that he will still be under care for a while. He still goes out drinking every weekend, smokes constantly - if i honest I struggle to feel any sympathy towards his pain, after caring for an 83 year old in immense pain but putting a brave face on for us all, what he has is hardly anything compared to what she went through.

I wouldn't ever say that to dp but that's honestly how I feel. as horrible as it is.

JapaneseSlipper Fri 11-Dec-15 16:04:30

Hope things get better for you. You're having to cope with so much. Really sorry to hear about your Grandmother. xx

Fairylea Fri 11-Dec-15 16:08:40

I'm not sure if this will make you feel any better or just feel like you're not alone but we are in a very similar place... My dh has been signed off sick for the last 8 weeks with anxiety and depression and is unlikely to return to work in the same job. He is looking for other jobs but every single job he feels really anxious about / it isn't the right thing he wants to do etc etc etc. We had the added issue of our youngest child having severe autism and not sleeping at all - we are scraping by financially on ds high rate dla, my carers allowance and tax credits. When this next sick note from dh is up we will have to go onto jsa or income support. This is the 3rd time in 4 years he's left a job for stress reasons. I love him and am very concerned for him but I am stressed to the max. It's so difficult for all of us.

mumofsnotbags Fri 11-Dec-15 16:35:15

fairylea were in a similar position, this month is his last sick note then he will be transfer onto jobseekers. I no longer get carers for my grandmother and my tax credits have been reduced due to an overpayment (something to do with ds's nursery hours that changed september 2014, and they've only just worked it all out!!) Ive lost £248 a month which is a lot, especially for the bills etc there's nothing left, we've cut back as much as we can but still struggling. all thats left is my income which is only when I work and not guaranteed each month unlike dp's was. I do hope things improve in the new year for you, at least your dh is looking for jobs. Its a crap time to look right before christmas though, the new year always seems a better time to get searching to make a change.

I feel for him so stressed but i'm also stressed, don't know what the solution is, not sure I can manage with this amount of pressure on me much more. I do feel like booking a hotel for a few days away somewhere just to go off on my own. I couldn't even afford the diesel to get there though smile

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 11-Dec-15 16:52:14

What would happen if you suggested that you get a full time job and he becomes a SAHD and does the childcare and housework, seeing as work doesn't agree with him?

mommy2ash Fri 11-Dec-15 16:53:04

You sound like you have had a really hard time and you partner sounds like he isn't a hard worker at all. While bullying is terrible it's highly unlikely it happens in every workplace he gains employment

Helenluvsrob Fri 11-Dec-15 17:04:40

One job -" I was bullied it didn't work out" ok
Two jobs " I was bullied it didn't work out" .....umm,
Three jobs - well the 3rd better work, or the obvious common factor is him!

Sounds like he just doesn't like being told to do stuff that's actually part of his job...

AutumnLeavesArePretty Fri 11-Dec-15 18:05:19

Why doesn't he take the SAH role so he can be there as a carer too and you work. Takes the pressure off both of you them.

whois Fri 11-Dec-15 18:10:31

You know there are some people who always seem to have issues with workmates/bosses at work... There's only one common factor.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Fri 11-Dec-15 18:13:29

Who is paying for his beer and fags?

AnyFucker Fri 11-Dec-15 18:19:39

what's the common denominator here ?

Slutbucket Fri 11-Dec-15 18:22:38

Sounds to Me he needs to be on medication to life his mood. Counselling can help but can't rebalance the chemical imbalance if he was happy go lucky before then he sounds severely depressed. I'm on citalopram and I'm the happiest I've ever been. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 11-Dec-15 18:50:49

He needs to take ownership of his illness and responsibility for his own mental health.

Right now it sounds like he is a lazy fucker hiding behind his diagnosis and using it as an excuse to make you carry the family.

I say this as someone with long term severe mental health issues.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease Fri 11-Dec-15 18:52:40

What do you want to happen, ideally?

IWasHereBeforeTheHack Fri 11-Dec-15 19:00:02

(Imust I think it's DP's DF who is drinking and smoking, unless I've misread it.]

OP, can you get access to any additional support, emotional or financial, for yourself? Have you spoken to the GP yourself? You really are having a tough time of it flowers

MammaTJ Fri 11-Dec-15 20:08:30

I agree, he does sound like someone who does not like to be told what to do! He needs a massive kick up the backside. A lot to cope with or not, the bills need paying and he has to work to do that.

mumofsnotbags Fri 11-Dec-15 20:48:35

He shows no capability of being able to look after himself or ds on a day to day basis without being told what/ how to do.

The days i've been away with work he is calling constantly over stupid stuff. once it was you've left out a pair of jeans for ds to wear but they are too small what should I do? Other people look and realise they're running low on bread and maybe pop out and get some. dp goes as far as to either replace the empty bag and leave it for me to find or writes it on a list on the fridge. Yet never thinks to go and get anything off the list.

Him staying at home would result in my blood pressure going through the roof and probably the end of us as he hasn't a clue about what to do at home. His mum did everything for him and his brother until they left home him at 27 and his brother at 32. you can see the sloppiness of the pair of them, Mil is forever cleaning but they haven't caught the bug at all!

I don't know what support I can get to be honest, waiting lists for counsellors around here take at least 3-4 months. I have my mum to chat to, but obviously dont tell her everything, dont have any friends at all, just 1 from college I see maybe every 2-3 months. I wouldn't say I could call her to have a heart to heart though. I do feel lonely when I think of it like that but i'm too busy to be around people at the moment. Just me and the 2 cats most nights curled up in bed or them watching me work, He decided to cancel our virgin tv last week, fair enough trying to cut costs but he also cancelled the internet without telling me (its back on now thankfully!) so im behind with work a week and getting orders out. just to add to the stress of it all im now working till 11pm most nights to catch up as theres only so much I can do whilst sitting in costa or the library!

I guess what it comes down to is I really don't like him at the moment, I feel massively let down by him, I needed supporting when I was caring for my nan, I didn't get it, yet now his dads sick i feel he wants the world to revolve around him. All I see him doing is sitting on facebook or chatting to his mates on whatsapp, He's a huge turn off to me at the moment. Thats really horrible to say of someone with his problems but I feel he's not helping himself enough to get past them, sorry I'm just moaning about him now, I really just did need to rant before about the job he'd turned down, that could of made christmas a tiny bit easier for us, just taking ds for a day our or something daft and now we wont be able to afford to.

mumofsnotbags Fri 11-Dec-15 20:50:46

And sorry yes, he is most definitely someone who doesn't like being told what to do, from the moment i met him he told me about doing his apprentice with the foreman not getting on with him and made his life difficult... this pattern has just carried on and I think the counselling is helping him to recognise that its his issue and only he can change how he handles it if it arises in the future.

He is a perfectionist and likes to take his time and do things right constantly, not always great in his line of work where speed is of the essence so I think thats were most of these arguments start.

TheCrimsonPleb Fri 11-Dec-15 21:42:39

Rant away. I know where you're coming from. My OH has been out of work for a while now and the longer he is out of work the harder it is to get back into it. I feel like I have another child rather than a partner right now and I resent the hell out of him.

I wish I could tell you how to sort it out, I can't. I've tried patience and understanding, I've tried shouting and putting pressure on. Nothing has worked yet. I think next step is kicking him out. It's too monumental to consider right now.

It's terrible so If you want to rant, I'll gladly listen.

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