Advanced search

to think my friend was wrong and the benefit doesnt outweigh the cost

(35 Posts)
goggleboxismygod Fri 11-Dec-15 14:31:01

I've known friends A and B since primary school - we are all 28.

Friend A is a lovely person and generally good fun. However, she has fairly low self esteem and is often very self deprecating. I think that this is due to a combination of (i) her weight (she has always been large but recently she was told by a doctor that she is morbidly obese, which has particularly upset her) and (ii) the fact that she has a fairly severe learning disability.

She met a new guy at work a few weeks ago. She says they did a lot of flirting and got some teasing from the younger staff members about it. After a couple of weeks, he asked her on a date to a circus show and they now consider themselves in a relationship. She spends a lot of time posting statuses and messages on FB such as "I love you [name of boyfriend]" and picture of little presents he has bought her. He responds with messages which, granted, don't declare love, but they do say things like "thanks sexy girl" and "hope u are enjoying [gift]".

Only a couple of weeks into this relationship, friend A told friend B that the boyfriend had kissed someone else that week and she was upset. Friend B and I then invited friend A out for a chat and drinks to talk it through the very next day. However, friend A told us that she was already over it and that she didn't actually mind because (direct quote) "I know he's a bit of a flirt and i have to accept that he's like that. He doesn't mean any harm by it and we are taking it slow anyway".

Fast forward to last week. Friend B informed me that she had set up a fake FB profile and friended friend A's boyfriend. She put a LOT of work into this - fake pictures and adding various people that he knew to make it look legitimate. Friend B has been messaging said boyfriend with some absolutely filthy messages - which he has responded to with enthusiasm. She has even downloaded some amateur-looking porno selfies with no faces from the internet and sent them to him saying they are her and asking what he wants to do to her etc etc. On one of their exchanges, friend B asked him why he was messaging her and not his girlfriend. His answer was "i don't really fancy her anyway - people were teasing us so we ended up going out".

After a few of these exchanges, friend B then sent the messages to friend A, apologising for what she'd done but also declaring that the guy is a cheat and not worth her time and that she needs to dump him right away. Friend A called me - she is very upset about the cheating but is adamant she will not dump him because (quote) "we are taking it slow and I love him. He isn't over his ex yet so he wants to take it slow. He is the kind of guy that is always tempted and i understand that" yada yada yada. Nothing I can say tactfully or friend B can say less tactfully will change her mind. I truly believe that her low self esteem is causing this "don't let him go" attitude and i think she is going to get hurt constantly, until he finally dumps her for whatever he thinks is better so it's really upsetting to see this happen.

I am pretty angry at friend B. She thinks she did the right thing because even though friend A wont dump him, the benefit is that friend A now has all the facts and may not be quite so hurt if it happens again with a real person. I, however, disagree. I think that her low self esteem and personal image issues mean that she was never going to dump him for things like this and she would have been better off not knowing and just getting a clean break if he dumped her as all that has actually happened here is that friend A is upset and even more upset about herself. What do you think?

cuntycowfacemonkey Fri 11-Dec-15 14:35:24

I think all you can do is be there for her when it goes tits up. She's an adult she has to figure it out for herself. As for friend B I think what she did was absolutely twisted and would be backing away from that friendship at speedd

KeepOnMoving1 Fri 11-Dec-15 14:42:17

Friend B was absolutely out of order doing that. Even if she was really concerned about this guy, that goes way beyond what a friend should be doing.
It seems like A's self esteem and weight issues makes her feel like she will never find anyone again, so she's willing to overlook anything. That's really sad. Given tha she has the messages about how he truly views her and she still doesn't care, I would just leave it alone.

Why did friend b do all of that work entrapping the bf? Is there another dimension to the friend a,b, bf relationship - is friend b jealous that a is having a relationship with lots of online presence and therefore attention? Or, did friend b always imagine she would be in a relationship before friend a and the change in status and lifestyle is making her wobble?

Had she been a passive recipient of messages from bf then is fair enough but to go to so much effort to engineer sex-talk messages and not interested in friend a comments - way out of order.

notquitehuman Fri 11-Dec-15 14:46:56

Whatever friend B thinks of friend A's relationship, what she did was unhinged and very strange. She went far beyond just needing proof for friend A, and I suspect she enjoyed it.

Moonriver1 Fri 11-Dec-15 14:50:17

I think friend B behaved revoltingly and I have my suspicions about her motives. Do you really do something like that out of altruism and love for a friend? It's cruel.

chanelfreak Fri 11-Dec-15 14:56:58

Friend B sounds like an utter cunt. YANBU to be annoyed at friend B.

winkywinkola Fri 11-Dec-15 14:59:12

Friend B's behaviour is bizarre. Is she some sort of cheater vigilante? I would stay well away from her.

Friend A will have no choice sooner or later, to recognise that her boyfriend is a creep and hopefully, he will bin her before she languishes at the altar of total victimhood for too long.

ilovesooty Fri 11-Dec-15 14:59:17

I'd never speak to friend B again after that.

TheWitTank Fri 11-Dec-15 15:02:08

I think Friend B was totally out of order and an absolute arsehole. What a horrible thing to do to a friend. Really nasty.
You have to let her make up her own mind about relationships and then just be there for her if she needs you. She is a grown up and it's not for anyone else to decide who she goes out with and what is acceptable for her. A shit he might be, but it's her choice.

Garlick Fri 11-Dec-15 15:04:39

You haven't said what A's learning difficulties involve, but my assumption is that B feels very (over?) protective towards her and was trying to jolt her into dumping her wanker sooner rather than later. Shame it didn't work.

The way she went about it was pretty strange, however. I am not assuming any motives other than wanting to 'prove' a verifiable fact to A - just a peculiar, and rather immature, means of doing so.

honeysucklejasmine Fri 11-Dec-15 15:08:24

Omg B went waaaay to far! What was she thinking?!

InTheBox Fri 11-Dec-15 15:09:26

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think what your friend B did was worth it to expose a cheating lying bastard. I think you should be there for whenever it does go tits up and from the sounds of it, it will do eventually. What is your position in all of this?

PrimeDirective Fri 11-Dec-15 15:12:34

I would cut all contact with 'Friend' B
Her behaviour was inexcusably vile

Just be there for Friend A

Enjolrass Fri 11-Dec-15 15:13:07

Friend B did something awful.

Did she really do all that to prove to her friend that he was a cheat?

I doubt it, she went to far.

NotWeavingButDarning Fri 11-Dec-15 15:13:47

Friend B sounds quite deranged, tbh.

Really all you can do in this situation is support friend A and help her to see that she has a lot more going for her than a really ropey sounding non-BF.

and both you and friend A should run away from mad friend B as fast as your legs can carry you

GloriousGoosebumps Fri 11-Dec-15 15:16:21

There's wanting to let your friend know how untrustworthy her boyfriend is and there's taking some huge perverse pleasure in destroying your friend's dreams of her future. On the face of it friend B has no reason to be jealous of friend A, yet there must either be a serious case of jealously going on or friend B must be the most controlling person on this Earth who simply will not tolerate friend A making her own decisions about who she will see. So is the boyfriend handsome, good in bed or a high earner? Perhaps all three! Would the relationship move friend A up the pecking order? What ever the truth of the matter, I'd take this as a warning of how far friend B will go to stab someone in the back when they won't toe the line.

goggleboxismygod Fri 11-Dec-15 15:43:51

Thanks all. Very glad you agree re friend B.

I don't know what her motives were. I don't think it was jealousy as she says she did it because of boyfriend's existing cheating etc. She says she did it because friend A wouldn't listen about the initial kissing cheating and therefore she needed "cold hard evidence", but I think it was just a twisted idea that went too far. I don't know.

I have told friend B that I think it's twisted, but I don't really know what else to say about it because in a weird way I do think that she did it to expose something that she really believed would ultimately hurt friend A.

Ergh its a minefield this one...

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wagglebees Fri 11-Dec-15 16:53:36

Friend B is scary! Cropping porn pics and sending them to her friend's boyfriend to prove a Yes he sounds like an complete twat but doing all that and then showing your other friend exactly what was said is shockingly cruel. It's controlling and weird.

The only thing you can do for friend A is be there for her when the penny eventually drops and hope it's sooner rather than later.

grundrisse Fri 11-Dec-15 17:05:40

I agree, Friend B sounds cruel and not at all motivated by the best interests of the woman concerned. Particularly considering Friend A's vulnerability and the very early stage of the relationship it feels a lot more like sabotage than protection.

lostInTheWash Fri 11-Dec-15 17:32:56

TBH I'm wondering if friend's A self esteem issues being made worse by "friend" B in subtle ways.

Sound like Friend B has Friend A in a box and she is being punished for stepping out of it.

I agree the boyfriend doesn't sound great - but how friend chooses to deal with that is up to her.

I think to say friend B actions were protective is a stretch.

I seriously doubt friend A will confide as easily with an relationship problems in the future to anyone and she may stay longer as she been warned might put more effort in to stay together - ( strongly suspect a family member stayed longer with cheating DP was because family had warned her it would go tits up ironically did same to me and I've never had an problems and going on 20 years now so strongly suspect it was us having any kind of relationship rather than them seeing problems ahead)

Wagglebees Fri 11-Dec-15 18:33:40

Good point. Also she might blame herself more when he does cheat on her. In a "oh well I was warned so it's my own fault for not dumping him sooner."

I'd be distancing myself from friend b in a big way.

Is friend b single? Does she see herself as a better catch than a? Rather be protector of silly a than play gooseberry?

Is friend a pissed off with b? It really doesn't sound like she has her best interests at heart.

EponasWildDaughter Fri 11-Dec-15 19:13:28

''she would have been better off not knowing and just getting a clean break if he dumped her as all that has actually happened here is that friend A is upset''.

I agree with this.

''I truly believe that her low self esteem is causing this "don't let him go" attitude and i think she is going to get hurt constantly''

This too sadly.

Nothing you can really do OP apart from be there for her if/when it happens. Without any 'i told you so' s.

Did friend B act solely in the interests of friend A? Personally i think she got carried away with setting up this intricate honey trap. She was obviously determined to get the result. I imagine it needn't have been that elaborate though by the sound of him.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: