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To think how I give birth is not DH's choice?

(289 Posts)
AliceScarlett Thu 10-Dec-15 19:36:28

Slightly redundant post as we are only TTC ATM, but we ended up discussing the birth (if that happens).
Anyway, I said I would seriously look into a ELCS, DH looked like someone had stolen his last fucking rolo and said "Oh you can't do that, it would ruin things, we won't get the lovely birth experience. It's not how people imagine it". I said um, what? It's my body my choice. He agreed, but looked so sad.

2min later I said "I think rates of PND increase when people think they have not managed to have a 'proper' birth" (I have no idea if this is true, my bad). Then he said "well why don't you not have a cesarean to make sure that doesn't happen then"!!!!shock I ripped him a new one, and asked him why I should go through a VB when it is not what I think is right for me. He apologised, but he's made it painfully clear that if I have a ELCS he will be disappointed and "robbed" of "his" birth.

I've suffered sexual abuse in the past and a sure fire way to fuck up my mental health is to experience pain in my fanjo. I know what is best for me, but I now have this ridiculous idea that I'll be weak and upset DH.

Sorry for pointless thread, we may not even concieve but this is kind of putting me off the whole thing.

NeedsAMousekatool Thu 10-Dec-15 19:37:55

Are you sure you want to conceive a child with a man who has so little respect for you, your body, your mental health and your past?

HermioneWeasley Thu 10-Dec-15 19:38:30

there is so much wrong with this I don't know where to start

Are you sure you want to start a family with such a massive, selfish, misogynist bellend?

londonrach Thu 10-Dec-15 19:40:23

I think you need to ask yourself why you ttc with this man. Please step back op and think carefully. Image 10-20 years time!

OneMoreCasualty Thu 10-Dec-15 19:40:27

Your body, your choice. Times 100 given your past experiences.

He needs to back off.

Gliblet Thu 10-Dec-15 19:41:09

It might be worth explaining to him that quite a high proportion of births don't go to plan for whatever reason and him yammering on at you about 'his' birth experience will only result in guilt, sadness and a relationship problem if for some reason you need a different birth to whatever you end up planning.

Or booking him an appointment with the MW so she can explain how very, very far OBEM and the like are from reality.

Or simply explaining that he gets 'his' birth when he manages to carry a child to term and until then, he needs to accept that his expectations are just that. Not your responsibility.

monkeysox Thu 10-Dec-15 19:41:59

Did you explain why you want a cs? I'd go for vb every time but I haven't been abused. Have you been advised to do that? You need counselling I think flowers

CatMilkMan Thu 10-Dec-15 19:42:14

You ripped him a new one because he made a suggestion based on something you said?
He sounds Misinformed and completely on the wrong page but LTB seems harsh.

bittapitta Thu 10-Dec-15 19:43:06

Yes sorry, you need to step back and see what red flags this is showing you. Right now about your birth choices and body (yanbu btw) - next it will be how to feed the baby (boob or formula etc), where the baby sleeps and so on. You need to be a team and he needs to be 100% respectful of your decisions which relate to your body.

ArmchairTraveller Thu 10-Dec-15 19:43:30

Your body, your choice, whatever his fantasies are about 'The Birth Experience' and his special sadface.
Buy him 'One born every minute' or some such on DVD.

OneMoreCasualty Thu 10-Dec-15 19:44:09

I imagine there might be a correlation between a woman having a birth experience far from that she envisaged and PND, but this is actually a good way for you to feel more in control (you will need to discuss with your antenatal team though)

BathtimeFunkster Thu 10-Dec-15 19:44:10

what Hermione said about the misogynist bellend.

It's not too late.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Thu 10-Dec-15 19:44:15

My ex was adamant we were having a 'natural birth'.

48 hours into labour I needed the drugs. No question.

Ex never forgave me. If birth was ever mentioned or I talked about the pain of labour, "You had an epidural!" was spat at me with a mixture of contempt and disbelief.

I never got to enjoy my greatest achievement and I'm still fucked off about it nearly 13 years later.

Don't have a child with this man.

HermioneWeasley Thu 10-Dec-15 19:44:24

Unless he's a midwife or gynaecologist, any man who thinks he has any role in the birth other than to support the woman doing it 1000% is not worth having IMO. I cannot imagine someone making someone else's birth about them. What a tosser.

SettlinginNicely Thu 10-Dec-15 19:44:45

Oh my!
It's truly not his call.

The idea of having men attend births was for them to support women, not to be another expectation they have to meet. Giving birth is not a performance for one's partner's benefit.

Maybe not everything was dreadful in the 1950s!

TaliZorah Thu 10-Dec-15 19:44:47

we won't get the lovely birth experience

We? YOU are giving birth not him. It is nothing to do with him, he's being selfish and stupid.

I had an ELCS, it was great.

HermioneWeasley Thu 10-Dec-15 19:45:57

Joffrey your ex is also a massive bellend. Perhaps he is the OP's DP? I'm frantically hoping there aren't two of them....

AliceScarlett Thu 10-Dec-15 19:46:34

Or simply explaining that he gets 'his' birth when he manages to carry a child to term and until then, he needs to accept that his expectations are just that. Not your responsibility.

Ha ha. Like that.

I'm not going to not have children with DH over one conversation!
He isn't normally like this, that's what worrying me, he's laid back, respects peoples choices, etc. He does have aspergers and I wonder whether he's got birth=VB in his head and I've thrown him. He can have very set ideas about things and can find it hard to think flexibly sometimes.

Just, his overall message from yesterday will take a lot of undoing.

abbieanders Thu 10-Dec-15 19:47:00

I would not be ttc with a man who thought like that. Never. You need loving support, not a partner who reckons he's stage managing an experience for himself. Your birth us not an alternative to a voucher for a go in a racing car.

VestalVirgin Thu 10-Dec-15 19:47:44

Are you sure you want to conceive a child with a man who has so little respect for you, your body, your mental health and your past?

This.

Of course it is your choice.

If he doesn't like how you do it, he can give birth himself. (Well, he obviously can't, so he will just have to deal with it and be grateful that you intend to give birth to his baby. Though you may want to reconsider this decision ...)

RevoltingPeasant Thu 10-Dec-15 19:48:01

OP I think you need to talk to him again about this but tbh he will likely not get it till DC is born.

I had the same issue but with a diametrically opposite solution! I wanted a home birth as I cannot bear people doing exams etc. DH wasn't keen.

We went to see my GP I carefukly picked one who was clearly an old hippie and asked her about HB. Luckily she turned out to have had two herself and explained why she thought they were great!

Could you do sth similar? Book an appt, take DP along and say you are ttc but v scared about the birth, what can they do etc. they may offer counselling or bring up ELCS which gives you a way to talk about it as a valid option.

Hygge Thu 10-Dec-15 19:48:26

He needs to support you in your decision and do what's best for your mental health.

He's got an unrealistic and romantic idea of 'his' birth' and I think this is something you need to resolve before you conceive.

AliceScarlett Thu 10-Dec-15 19:48:44

Guys, guys, I really appreciate you ripping into him. Its helping me feel much better grin but let's not get into LTB territory.

SpangleDragon Thu 10-Dec-15 19:49:18

I had 2 VB, and luckily they were really quick, but i wanted all the drugs i was allowed, and considered ELCS, but thought the recovery time would be a PITA (yup, that was the only reason!)

as far as the birth 'experience' - why not feed him a load of diarohea drugs until he is COMPLETLY bunged up for at least a week, then a shedload of constipation drugs and see how he feels about a natural birth then! wanker!! The only think thats really important about the 'birth experience' is that the mother is happy with her treatment and care, and both her and child are well at the end of it!

LovelyBranches Thu 10-Dec-15 19:49:19

When I gave birth I was never given the option of an elective c section. I didn't know you were allowed the choice.

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