To be annoyed that this friendship group revolves around one friend?(13 Posts)
I am friends with a group of 3 other women, for the purpose of this thread I will call then Suzy, Annie and Lucy.
I am getting increasingly irritated by the fact that the group always seems to revolve around Suzy. Suzy is the type of person who moans a lot and always has some crisis or other going on in her life (usually quite small things that most of us would just deal with tbh), and so a lot of the time when we all meet up the vast majority of the time is spent listening to Suzy, advising Suzy, sympathising with Suzy, etc.
In the past year I have had quite a hard time, including a family member dying and another being seriously ill, but have had a brief nod and acknowledgement from the others about it, but no real support as such. Any conversations have always come back round to being about 'poor Suzy'. Annie and Lucy seem to hang on every word that Suzy says and if I see either of them, which I do regularly on the school run, they always are full of sympathy about Suzy's latest issue and talk about it.
What annoys me even more than that, though, is that every time we meet it has to suit Suzy. She is quite demanding and pushy for her own way, and Annie and Lucy are always seemingly happy to accommodate this. For example last month we planned a night at the cinema together to see a certain film. An hour before we went to the cinema I got a text from Annie which said "Suzy doesn't want to see that film now and wants to see X instead, so see you there at 8.30 instead of 8 as it starts later". As it happened, I actually wanted to see the original film but it was presented to me as a fait accompli so it was either a case of see the new choice or don't come.
Then next week we are having lunch out together. Firstly the day was altered to suit Suzy. Then the venue, as she fancied a different restaurant to the original one. Now I have just had a group text from Suzy saying she cannot meet the original time of 1pm so we can have an early lunch instead at 11. Lucy and Annie have replied and are happy to accommodate her but I have something planned that morning so I've had to decline, and they've all just replied "Ok no problem" or that kind of thing. I know for a fact that if I cancelled the time and wanted to change it there would not be a cat in hell's chance of all 3 agreeing.
AIBU to be annoyed with the dynamics of this group?
DD has this problem at school. There is one girl who always demands that they do everything her way. DD accommodates if it suits her and ignores if it doesn't.
They 15 and 16 BTW.
It sounds like Annie and Lucy are infatuated with Suzy.
If they have that sort of personality, I don't think there'll be any way to change things tbh.
Yes I think they are a bit infatuated with her tbh.
Suzy sounds like a Queen Bee type. Sadly, in my experience there is never any shortage of people who will always sing to their tune.
You could either distance yourself, or if you call them out on it risk losing them altogether. Either way they don't sound like very good friends to me.
tbh it sounds like hardwork and Suzy sounds like a selfish PITA, but I suppose if the others are happy to be doormats and accomodate her that's their choice.
If I were you I'd turn up to the things that suited me and decline the suzycentric ones. Don't think their's much to be gained from pointing out the imbalance as it sounds like the other two don't mind and you might just alienate all three.
Tbh I would distance myself from this group, they sound very hardwork and not genuine at all.
Get new friends.
Or possibly arrange to meet Annie or Lucy at some times on their own, just 1-2-1, not all 3.
Do you have other people you can meet? If you do, invite the three to something where a bigger group is going to be there. Then you just plain can't accommodate Suzy's changing the plans. Then see what happens. You may find that she does it far less.
I have this same problem except with 3 of us. I stopped singing to my 'Suzy's' tune (not really by choice, some quite traumatic circumstances forced the situation), and now hardly see either of them. 'Suzy', however, has a constant gaggle of people desperate to be her friend- something I wasn't really aware of when I was part of the inner circle. The other friend works full time so I know she's busy, but she still makes plenty of time for 'Suzy'
It makes me sad, as we have been close friends (I thought) for over 20 years.
Nothing happened, we didn't fall out, if I see them they are still friendly. But they don't arrange to see me. I know if I offered to visit it would be welcomed, but all the effort has to come from me, and all the arrangements have to suit 'Suzy'', and I don't have the energy.
I'm so hurt that once I stopped being able to fit in around 'Suzy' I fell out of the circle, I thought I was valued so much more by them. It makes me realise it was more about convenience than friendship.
Sorry to steal the name btw, I just thought the comparison was easier that way!
OP I don't think there is anything to be done sadly. You either accept that this is how this group works, enjoy the fun you have together and try not to feel resentful about the Queen Bee Suzy's amount of control. Or you find new friends. If you manage to do the latter could you let me know how?
I know it's easier said than done but I would find some different friends.
OP I really, really sympathise but am afraid I don't have the answer.
Tbh this reflects most 'groups' of friends I have ever drifted into and is why, to be quite honest, I am beginning to conclude at the age of 35 that I am just not a 'group' type.
This happened at school, at university, in my NCT group and it is happening to a lesser extent but still noticeably, in the group of (for want of a better word!) 'mum friends' that I've met since moving to this town 2 years ago.
There is always a 'queen bee'; there are always a couple of acolyte types who agree with everything she says and quote her the whole time! I am neither type. On the whole I think this is because I am (and you are by the sounds of it) more independent and self sufficient - I like hanging out with others but don't NEED to, the way some people do.
Unfortunately this sometimes leaves you rather outside of a group situation. I used to think this was a bad reflection on me but I actually don't any more. You can either just put up with the way things are and just hang out with them when it suits you or try to find a group where this doesn't happen.
So far I have not managed the second one!!!
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