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To ask if I really screwed up here? (Be kind please(

(82 Posts)
Motherinferior78 Thu 10-Dec-15 00:11:49

My dd and my friend's dd (both 3) both attend a weekly activity. In advance of the last class before Christmas (today) parents were offered a chance to purchase an achievement award for a couple of quid to be presented to their child during today's session. If you didn't pay, your child would leave the session slightly early so they wouldn't see the presentation and know they were missing out.

Me and my mum took my friend's dd today as my friend was working and her child was not called out of the class early so I assumed they'd paid for the award. They had a lovely ceremony - the parents didn't go though which was a shame so we couldn't clap them or take photos, we just watched through the window.

My dd was so excited when she came out but my friend's dd was nearly in tears because she had watched the others get an award and she hadn't got one. The staff had made a mistake - she should have left the session early as her mum hadn't paid for the award. I felt so sorry for her that I asked the staff if I could pay for her to have one. They allowed this and presented her with it and we clapped her as the other children had all left.

Dd watched this and burst into tears because we hadn't clapped her. She was literally sobbing. My mum had a go at me saying I shouldn't have done it - it wasn't my child who missed out so wasn't my problem. She made me feel dreadful and reduced me to tears. I think I have now made my daughter understand what happened and that we are very proud of her but I know I ruined her moment. I really didn't mean to, I just acted out of kindness in the moment, but ended up upsetting my own child by trying to compensate another. I feel sick to my stomach but I can't turn the clock back now.

Was this a huge screw up? (Be kind please)

Sharoncatastrophe Thu 10-Dec-15 00:13:42

Oh god you poor thing. I think you did the best you could at the time. They'll all get over it

TheHouseOnTheLane Thu 10-Dec-15 00:14:25

You are very kind and did the right thing. These are the things which stay with little children...."Where was my award?" and you fixed it. Your Mum is silly acting in that way.

TheHouseOnTheLane Thu 10-Dec-15 00:15:10

Have to add that the whole thing was badly managed and they should have simply photocopied a certificate and given them for free with a sticker to ALL the DC!

I'd complain actually.

MrsRobbStark Thu 10-Dec-15 00:16:20

I know this is what your asking but the idea of buying an achievement award is ridiculous! That should be scrapped for starters because it seems to have caused more harm then good.

I think you did the right thing though, it's what I would have done. Your mum was being ridiculous.

AbbyCadabra Thu 10-Dec-15 00:17:25

What sort of achievement award do you have to pay for?!

Motherinferior78 Thu 10-Dec-15 00:17:30

Yes I don't see why they can't just add a couple of quid to the term fees and make sure everyone gets one!

UterusUterusGhali Thu 10-Dec-15 00:17:44

You did a lovely thing.

Tell your DD you saw through the window.

Motherinferior78 Thu 10-Dec-15 00:18:39

It was literally a couple of quid - you got an award and s certificate.

Motherinferior78 Thu 10-Dec-15 00:19:44

Yes I told dd I was watching and clapping her! If they'd let us come in and watch it would have helped!

TheHouseOnTheLane Thu 10-Dec-15 00:23:27

My God they didn't even let you come in! Definitely complain!

TheHouseOnTheLane Thu 10-Dec-15 00:24:01

At my DDs ballet class the teacher just gave them all sweets and a sticker for free!

BillBrysonsBeard Thu 10-Dec-15 00:24:54

You did a lovely thing- can't believe your mum had a go at you. Your daughter will have understood once you'd explained!

catfordbetty Thu 10-Dec-15 00:26:32

Sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong. Don't beat yourself up.

Jenda Thu 10-Dec-15 00:29:11

Your mum was ridiculous, you did a nice thing and your 3 year old didn't understand why she didn't see you clapping her because she is 3! You did nothing wrong, stop beating yourself up.

Motherinferior78 Thu 10-Dec-15 00:30:00

I think my mum was upset because dd was crying. She thought I'd upset her unnecessarily.

GiddyOnZackHunt Thu 10-Dec-15 00:31:37

Oh that was really badly organised. You were placed in a no win situation because you were in charge of a child who was humiliated but wasn't your child.
I think you dug them out of a hole. If your DD was older it would have been easier but you had to work with a crap hand. You did the best thing in a bad situation and I would suggest the club need to review their grabby policy and their organisational skills.

Motherinferior78 Thu 10-Dec-15 00:34:36

Thanks for your understanding all of you, I feel so much better now. Think I just needed some perspective!

Mmmmcake123 Thu 10-Dec-15 00:36:33

It sounds like a terribly organised event in which you acted on best interests. Don't beat yourself up, even tho your DD is only 3 years old, you have said she understands and frankly this is the beginning of educating your little one that things are rarely black and white. My DD grasped this by about the age of 5 to 7. It's a good thing to understand xx

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Thu 10-Dec-15 00:37:31

Sounds like badly organised wankery and you did your best given the situation.

Not like you had many choices, is it.

Your mum sounds a bit weird. I'd distance myself a bit from her if I were you.

Motherinferior78 Thu 10-Dec-15 00:40:28

Badly organised wankery! Love it! grin I was very briefly annoyed at my friend for not paying but it was definitely the club at fault for even asking!

liinyo Thu 10-Dec-15 00:41:52

It doesn't sound like you were at fault at all. More like the group organisers for setting up a scheme that rewards money not effort or achievement. and your mum sounds as if she might be a bit pot/kettle. Making you feel bad by saying you made your daughter feel bad. You sound like a loving, caring mum and mate, they are lucky to have you in their life.

Italiangreyhound Thu 10-Dec-15 00:48:56

No - you most definitely did not screw up! Kids get upset for all kinds of reasons, some very selfish! My daughter cried because I comforted her friend when she fell over and cut her knee at our house.

You mum was wrong to make you feel bad for what you did
Your dd was just being a kid and getting upset over something like that
The organisation sound pretty stupid to set up such a complicated event that there is the chance for two kids to end up upset at the same award ceremony
your friend should have told you what the situation was or paid for the bloody award.

YOU and the other child are the only people who did not screw up.

Pat yourself on the back, tell your dd you love her loads and it is nice to help friends when in trouble and if your mum makes any more silly comments say "I did the right thing, its all over now, please leave it alone!"

Italiangreyhound Thu 10-Dec-15 00:51:52

mother re I think my mum was upset because dd was crying. She thought I'd upset her unnecessarily. She was upset, you did not upset her.

Please tell the organisation and request they do as you suggest and put the fee on the course fees, anyone who doesn't want to, or cannot afford to, pay it should be given the chance to opt out. Much easier.

Leelu6 Thu 10-Dec-15 00:52:53

YANBU, OP. You did a lovely thing.

i think your daughter will get over not being clapped for much faster than your friend's DD would have got over being the only child in that room not getting an award.

Your mum needs to understand that these are your decisions to make and she shouldn't undermine you in front of DD, or anyone. She could have had a chat about it later with you.

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