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About ex being friends with man who assaulted me *possibly triggering*

(15 Posts)
walkinginmercury Wed 09-Dec-15 22:30:01

I apologize in advance if this is a bit heavy, it's not my intention I just really don't know if my hurt is out of proportion.

When I was a very young teen a "friend" of mine forced himself on me in fairly brutal way. He apologized afterwards and for some reason I was the one who felt ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't have much to do with him until my twenties when I got together with ex as they were friends. I avoided him at all costs and it festered away but Ex and him drifted after we had DC but one night about eight months ago after a few drinks it all came out and ex (Dp at the time) sobbed crying (not like him at all) and was overwhelmed at what I'd been through, that I'd tolerated him, swore revenge which obviously I talked him out of.

We split up 3 months ago for completely different reasons but have been civil/friendly for the most part.
I woke this morning to see photos of the two of them plastered on facebook like best mates. I'm so bloody hurt. I know I didn't do anything about it or report it but I never really saw it as an assault until adulthood.

I can't understand how our relationship status can change his opinion. I don't know how I'll civilly co parent with someone who can pal around with a person who did this to me. Am I expecting too much from Ex? Telling him was a really big deal to me, I feel sick and degraded all over again. His response was that he doesn't have to explain himself to me, which obviously is true but this feels like such a betrayal

shutupandshop Wed 09-Dec-15 22:32:57

Do you think your ex is doing it to punish you? Im sorry you have been through/ going through this a d have been let down again.

Have you thought about reporting this?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 09-Dec-15 22:44:44

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Can't nor would I want to imagine what a betrayal that must have been. I don't yoiur ex obviously but I do know through what you've told us. He's being an insensitive arse hole. Funny he's up his arse when you have broken up, so yes not to add to your upset but I think he has befriended this beast to upset you.
Also this brute your ex DPS best mate. Violated you in the most brutal way imaginably. And he simply says Sorry. Fucking Sorry for rape. He should have been castrated slowly and painfully.

TiredButFineODFOJ Thu 10-Dec-15 03:48:32

walking you didn't see it for what it was at the time, but you do now. You've only just trusted Ex to tell him in the last few months and you two have're really just coming to terms with what happened.
Yes Ex is a massive twunt for going on the lash with this bastard, but aside from that hurt you need to look at addressing what happened- look into couselling so you can deal with it, and heal yourself.
As for Ex, he's bound to be defensive. They will probably keep going out then one night Ex will snap and kick off at him.
I know it's sickening to see it on fb like that flowers

PitPatKitKat Thu 10-Dec-15 05:12:34


RubbleBubble00 Thu 10-Dec-15 06:34:39

it's horrible but unfortunately he is your ex and you can't control or chose who he spends time with. I would keep quiet but calmly mention that you do not want the kids around this man.

walkinginmercury Thu 10-Dec-15 10:53:09

Thanks for the replies

I don't want to control anything I'm just stunned at the turnaround in his attitude and the betrayal really. I would feel the same if it was just a friend

stairbears Thu 10-Dec-15 10:56:58

It is a betrayal, yanbu. I second the idea that counselling might be a sensible next step for you?

VestalVirgin Thu 10-Dec-15 12:33:35

Apparently, he was only angry at the guy for "damaging" his "property", and now that you are not "his property" anymore, everything is okay.

Count yourself lucky that ex is your ex.

Get therapy for the trauma, be careful to choose a therapist who doesn't try to victim-blame you - you don't want to make matters worse.


5608Carrie Thu 10-Dec-15 12:48:59

Do you have children? And does ex's friend have access to them?

I would feel hurt and betrayed too.

Kaytee1987 Thu 10-Dec-15 18:55:41

I think you should report this man to the police now. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, many people wait years before reporting these sorts of crimes.

VestalVirgin Thu 10-Dec-15 19:06:12

I think you should report this man to the police now. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, many people wait years before reporting these sorts of crimes.

While it should not matter how long ago it was, to the law, it does, for all I know.
And then there's the matter of proof. If he hasn't admitted to the crime somewhere in writing, she will hardly be able to get him convicted.

On the other hand, he could be a serial offender, and other victims might come forward once he's accused.

ILiveAtTheBeach Thu 10-Dec-15 19:12:07

This would really upset me too. What an absolute dickhead your Ex is! And I would tell him so.

Kaytee1987 Fri 11-Dec-15 13:07:14

Vestal of course a conviction may be difficult but does that mean he should get away with it? It's quite likely more will come forward, sexual predators rarely act once. The process of reporting it may be quite healing and would also force her ex to take it seriously especially if theres a risk to his children.

Kaytee1987 Fri 11-Dec-15 13:08:29

Also legally is doesn't matter how long ago this type of crime was committed.

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