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how can i distance myself from this mum at school who has latched on to me

(39 Posts)
sparklesandglitterxx Wed 09-Dec-15 11:31:59

i hope I don't sound mean

dd (6) has been asking for ages if her friend could come and play so the other week I approached her mum to ask. her mum seemed really nice and asked if she could add me on fb so we could arrange something, so I agreed

so we arranged a day for her to come and play after school. then her mum asked if she could come too, as she wasn't comfortable letting her dd go and play at someones house she didn't really know ...I was a bit confused but thought fair enough, and said yes

well she came round last week after school with her dd and also her small baby. and while she was nice enough she wasn't really someone I had that much in common with. the conversations were hard as obvs the dcs just went off and played so I was just sat there making small talk. and I felt a bit imposed on as they ended up staying till 6, in the end I had to lie that I had stuff to do but was so awkward actually asking someone to leave

and now she keeps messaging me as if we are best mates, wanting to come round again with her dd and baby. THEN she messaged me, apropos of nothing, asking if I could lend her a tenner shock ...obvs I said no but felt bad

I feel bad as she is prob lonely but I have lots of friends already, and busy with work etc, and I just find the money request beyond odd

HELP

littlemermaid80 Wed 09-Dec-15 11:35:58

She does sound lonely and seems to be latching on to you.
Do your kids get on well together?

SuckingEggs Wed 09-Dec-15 11:36:11

Just be nice - and busy - if you don't like her much. Introduce her to others. It's horrible being lonely.

howtorebuild Wed 09-Dec-15 11:37:46

Just be honest.

Birdsgottafly Wed 09-Dec-15 11:40:34

Do you have Childrens Centres in your area?

That's probably were she needs directing to, sensitively.

TheCarpenter Wed 09-Dec-15 11:41:23

I'd run a mile from anyone asking for money so early into a friendship. Might explain why she's 'lonely'.

OurBlanche Wed 09-Dec-15 11:42:09

You might find she looks for someone else, now you have knocked her cash request back.

If not, just be polite but busy.

OnlyLovers Wed 09-Dec-15 11:57:19

I'd run a mile from anyone asking for money so early into a friendship. Might explain why she's 'lonely'.

I agree.

I'd ignore the message. Be pleasant but not very forthcoming when you see her around.

manana21 Wed 09-Dec-15 12:11:59

i'd have been a lot more sympathetic if she hadn't asked for money. OTOH, maybe she is desperate - do you know anything about the family? Is her OH in work, does she have work? It's not your responsibility of course, but I'd be trying to figure out if she's hard up and desperate since it's Christmas (still not ok of course) or just a chancer.

manana21 Wed 09-Dec-15 12:18:13

surely the distancing thing is the easy part though - don't reply, be vague about plans, if pushed say you've got other plans etc?

sparklesandglitterxx Wed 09-Dec-15 12:24:42

see not to sound mean blush but if she hadn't have asked me for money then I probably would have given her a bit more of a chance, I do feel that she is probably lonely but tbh I just find the money thing so weird

If I had known her a LOT longer then I probably just would have lent it her

I don't know anything about her money situation, I know she has an OH but I don't think they work. I feel for her if she is skint, but I cant lend money to someone I have met about twice

her dd is lovely, and her and my dd get on really well

RedMapleLeaf Wed 09-Dec-15 12:27:14

Being charitable to her it could be that borrowing/lending money is an indicator of friendship to her. £10 is a strange sum to ask for.

DurhamDurham Wed 09-Dec-15 12:34:43

I'd keep a distance, be polite but non-committal. To ask for money is just weird, you don't even know each other yet. It's sad that she is lonely but perhaps the fact that she asks almost strangers for money is one reason why.

hesterton Wed 09-Dec-15 12:39:26

She might need some help to find resources such as a food bank or CAB to look at her benefits. So you think she may have had some SEN? It is odd to ask for money like that unless you are either very desperate or socially unaware.

manana21 Wed 09-Dec-15 12:40:18

yeah I can totally see what you mean and I don't think you're being mean - she doesn't have good boundaries if she's already willing to ask you for money, which is a worrying sign in a friend. I'm a bit of a putz - probably if you made it clear there was going to be no chance of a loan, I'd carry on inviting her to things where there were groups of people so she's not so lonely & could make other friends, but that's because I moved when I had DD1 and was lonely and it sucked.

Stasie Wed 09-Dec-15 12:42:53

Turn it round - without a detailed explanation and effusive apologies for even having to ask, and in an emergency situation probably - would you ever ask someone to lend you a tenner, when you had only met them a couple of times?

If not, then you can't really be close friends with this person. Your attitudes to money (and social interaction) are markedly divergent.

Polite but distant is the way to go, and change your number or block her and tell her you've changed it/got a different phone/ whatever it takes.

This is a situation where, as a non-usual liar I would be willing to tell a lie or two to remove myself from her.

sparklesandglitterxx Wed 09-Dec-15 13:01:31

hesterton I am not sure about SEN, I would say not, as she comes across just "normal" hesitate to use that word as don't want to cause offence. and I am not trained or experienced in any way to know about sen and what it could look like

see that's what I mean stasie - it would take a LOT for me to even ask someone I know extremely well to borrow money. and it would have to be my mum or dad, I don't think I would want to ask any friends, even my oldest / best ones

and manana I know what it is like to be lonely as well, it sucks. esp when you have small children (she has a small baby and a 6 and 9 year old) ...when I first moved here I had no one.

Perhaps I should message her re food bank / cab, just sort of say, sorry couldn't lend you any cash but have you tried XXXXX ...obvs will word more sensitively

listsandbudgets Wed 09-Dec-15 13:11:58

Do you think she ocould have mild PND op or just bet exhausted with a small baby and a six year old. I had the same and getting up for the school run was no joke after a long sleepless night.

She may just not be coping very well and after some company. Money thing is very odd though

amarmai Wed 09-Dec-15 13:24:23

some people just chance it, as from the chancer's POV there's only something to be gained. Like some men ask everyone for a fuck. I wd ignore the fact that she asked and be polite in the passing. No guilt needed as she put you in that position. No pity either as opportunists are more aware than any of us where they can get 'help'. Hopefully your dd wont become too enmeshed with her dd as the apple falls close to the tree.

diddl Wed 09-Dec-15 13:25:13

I don't think that her coming round with her daughter was too bad as it was the first time that they had played together out of school.

Does she live too far to have gone home & then collected?

Of course she could just not be good socially-the staying until 6 (although she may have thought that you got on well) & the asking for money.

manana21 Wed 09-Dec-15 13:32:41

i'm not convinced she's a chancer on the evidence so far though - there are reasons she may be genuinely hard up & have no-one like family to ask, I don't think the text is a bad idea because she crossed the line in asking, and now you're understandably concerned so she'll have to deal with her feelings if she's aghast you could mention CAB, food banks etc.

Polgara25 Wed 09-Dec-15 13:43:22

When she stayed till six, did you feed her or her children?

Did she leave shortly after eating/her DD eating a meal or even a snack or sandwich?

LaurieLemons Wed 09-Dec-15 13:56:21

I would still be nice, arrange another play date but still keep your distance and definitely don't lend her money confused. You could arrange fairly late in the day or announce your busy and have x to do at x time but she can come a couple hours before or so. I wouldn't shun her completely.

MrsLupo Wed 09-Dec-15 14:02:40

I thought you were being a bit mean tbh until the money thing, which is odd and out of order really. Wanting to come and check you out rather than leaving her dd with someone she doesn't really know is just normal where I come from, and staying til 6 not at all outlandish either - unless you stated an end time, how was she to know that wasn't what you had in mind? And presuming school ended 3.13/3.30ish, not an unreasonable amount of time to stay.

But the money is odd. I've been very, very hard up at times in the past and don't have a sense of taboo against borrowing money from family/good friends, but would never ask someone under these circumstances. She must either be incredibly desperate, in which case I think trying to work out how to distance yourself from her is a bit unkind, or is just bizarrely disinhibited. I would have thought which it is will become clear sooner rather than later. If the former, foodbank suggestions and signposting might be one thing you could do. And why not invite her dd to tea next time? Not knowing how you're going to put food on the table is a desperate state of affairs.

KeepOnMoving1 Wed 09-Dec-15 14:07:54

I think she's the type to become increasingly suffocating till you have no choice but to completely cut the friendship out as she will just not get the hint. It didn't strike her at all that she stayed till 6 and then after meeting you only once to borrow money. It's too much too soon, and if this is how she is then you definitely should keep her at a distance.

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