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AIBU?

Cancelling plans.

53 replies

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 08:29

My husband bought 4 tickets to a show several months ago with the intention of inviting another couple later.

My good friend got engaged pretty suddenly, and when we met the new fiancee he and my husband hit it off immediately, so a week or so later he invited both of them to come with us.

She then sent an email to my husband a week in advance of the show saying they were 'going to back out, but thanks for the invite'. No explanation, no follow up. We both thought it was rude so he didn't reply, and so there's been a deafening silence.

For context, she and I are good friends and she is also good friends with my husband. We've spent quite a lot of time together.

-Is it rude to cancel plans without explanation?
-Doesn't a phone call become necessary in the case of higher-order plans e.g. made several weeks in advance and tickets are involved?
-Shouldn't you be the one to initiate the next engagement if you're the canceller?
-Am I being precious?

OP posts:

Report

RubbleBubble00 · 09/12/2015 08:33

Perhaps engagement isn't going well!

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 08:42

Interesting theory, although I probably would have heard through the grapevine if this were the case. I think.

OP posts:

Queenbean · 09/12/2015 08:45

Did the other couple pay for their tickets?

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2015 08:46

She's your good friend. Ring her and ask what's going on.

pasturesgreen · 09/12/2015 08:47

Very rude in my opinion to not offer any explanation, particularly as they're good friends. YANBU.

CombineBananaFister · 09/12/2015 08:48

am not normally a cynic but I'd have guessed that maybe it's for a reason she's too embarrassed or personal to share, especially if you are normally close - am thinking along the lines of rubble.

So she probably isn't meaning to be rude. FWIW I think it's Okay to decline an invite at asking point without explanation but best to offer a reason if cancelling once an invite has been accepted unless it is too personal.

Is it worth falling out over though? I'd still make contact, maybe she feels bad for letting you down and hasn't been intouch incase you are mad at her?

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 08:48

No, they didn't pay for the tickets but we wouldn't want them to. There was time for my husband to find other people to slot in. Money was not the issue.

I will see her tonight in any case at a party.

OP posts:

bumbleymummy · 09/12/2015 08:48

Maybe they've had some bad news and they just don't feel up to going out but aren't ready to give people an explanation.

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 08:54

We have a close, easy relationship so I find it hard to imagine there's some painful backstory. It doesn't make sense.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2015 08:56

How long ago did this happen? Why on earth didn't you ring her and ask if she was OK?

penguinplease · 09/12/2015 08:57

If you have a close easy relationship just ask her?

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 09:03

If you have a close easy relationship just ask her?

I plan to (I'm seeing her tonight) I'm just trying to work out what's what here.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/12/2015 09:08

I think it seems rude because we're used to getting an excuse..."Oh I can't, I've got work" or "I can't afford it" or "I'm ill".

You're always told not to offer an explanation though. I believe proper etiquette is just to politely decline as quickly as possible, and not offer a reason, because that can come across like she wants you to fix the problem - you know, we'll change the viewing, or I'll pay, or whatever, and it's rude to make people change their plans for you.

I think I'd play it by ear. If she's apologetic, it's likely something that she doesn't want to talk about and I don't think it's rude not to give an explanation. If she's breezy and doesn't seem to care that she cancelled, it's probably slightly ruder that they didn't explain why, although in that case it's probably just that they didn't want to go/had a better offer.

If she's a good friend, I'd have called straight after getting that and made sure she was okay, even if she didn't want to talk. Perhaps she was expecting a call so she could tell you verbally, rather than write it down. You've been a bit rude in just ignoring her cancellation too.

stairbears · 09/12/2015 09:12

Maybe he or they aren't too keen on the actual show? Flattered to be asked but politely declining on reflection so you can offer elsewhere?

stairbears · 09/12/2015 09:13

And maybe expecting you to reply with"oh no, how come?"

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2015 09:14

How long ago did this happen?

M48294Y · 09/12/2015 09:18

How about updating this thread after you've seen her tonight?

Trills · 09/12/2015 09:22

A week in advance of the show is not very much time to find someone else to go.

Dipankrispaneven · 09/12/2015 09:26

Interesting theory, although I probably would have heard through the grapevine if this were the case. I think.

But presumably you wouldn't have if the crisis had just happened?

Penfold007 · 09/12/2015 09:28

No one has to give a reason for a cancellation.
She gave reasonable notice
Maybe she will initiate another meet up
Your DH was rude not to at least acknowledge the email
Yes you are being precious.

justfivemoreminutes1 · 09/12/2015 09:31

YANU I'd have found this rude and rather peculiar too OP. I think most people would give an explanation...even if it's a white lie to cover up a more sensitive issue they may not want to reveal.

Will be interesting to see how she behaves/what she says tonight x

Italiangreyhound · 09/12/2015 09:40

I don't think there is a protocol for backing out of plans.

I think you should ask her how she is. There could be any reason for backing out, practical, medical, relationship, who knows. Just ask her how she is and initiate a social for you and her without the new finance, IMHO.

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BertrandRussell · 09/12/2015 09:44

Formal etiquette does indeed say don't give reasons.

But this is a close, easy relationship.........

AntiHop · 09/12/2015 09:47

I agree this would annoy me. It really gets on my nerves when people cancel or decline plans without an explanation. I feel like the lack of explanation means they just don't want to say that they don't like the sound of plan.

3luckystars · 09/12/2015 09:48

There might be something going on with his family, she might be pregnant and on bed rest, there are a million and one reasons that they can't go and can't explain and they shouldn't have to explain if you are their friend.

The might tell you in time why they cancelled, but for now just accept it and either sell or give the tickets to someone else. Don't dwell on it, just enjoy the show.

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