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AIBU?

...to not want in-laws to come and stay 14 days after my C section?

149 replies

pickleandflux · 09/12/2015 08:18

We are due to have our first baby next week (ELCS for breech), and hubby's parents and his brother all want to come and stay with us for a week or two. The date that they are planning to arrive is 14 days after my ELCS. I am quite a private/introverted person, and even at the best of times I can feel quite overwhelmed at having them all to stay. They are lovely people, but my goodness they are loud (!). I know that they are just excited, and also that they want to help us with things around the house (which is lovely of them), but I'm worried about how I will feel so soon after getting home. My own parents live 10 minutes away, and they have space for the in-laws to stay - I had suggested this as an alternative, so that they can come and visit/spend plenty of time with us but also giving us space, but it went down like a lead balloon - MIL sounded really hurt. I realise that I sound very ungrateful, but I am honestly dreading the thought of it.

OP posts:

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Birdsgottafly · 09/12/2015 08:22

Tough, you don't how your recovery is going to be.

Under no circumstances if a man was having a major procedure would this be insisted on, enough respect isn't given to Women recovering from Caesarians.

Staying with your parents would be ideal and it's an excellent plan.

You've got help and company when you need it, but enough space also.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2015 08:22

Seems a sensible compromise to me.

Does MiL think that means that whenever she sees you that your DM will be there? That might be the issue.

Get your DH to have a word...

AnonymousBird · 09/12/2015 08:23

It's easy, it's a NO. Absolutely just and utterly No. And you need your DH absolutely onside and fronting this up with you as of now (I assume he is?)

Unless you have a private wing/annex they can live in, and pop to you for visits and a bit of help in here and there (when YOU are up to it, not when THEY are ready for it), then this will not end well.

You are not ungrateful, they are being selfish for disregarding your views. Set the rules now, before you are too distracted to do it next week.

YANBU at all.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/12/2015 08:25

YANBU in fact your solution is kind and fair. You need to look after yourself and your new baby. Helpful visitors who make cups of tea admire your baby and leave after s short are the only acceptable so close to giving birth :)

pickleandflux · 09/12/2015 08:26

Yes, I suspect that there is a bit of an issue with them feeling left out - since my parents live so close by, and they are a 6 hour drive away. I can understand that, but my parents would not be monopolising our time (plus having 5 visitors all at once, all day long, really would be too much for me I think!!).

OP posts:

StackladysMorphicResonator · 09/12/2015 08:26

YANBU! You will be in pain, still bleeding, possibly struggling with breastfeeding (if you plan to) and bloody knackered - what fool thought that would be a good time to welcome visitors into your home! And not even for a day or two, but a fortnight! FFS, these people area completely insane.

However, they are your DH's parents and brother, not yours, so he needs to be the one to step up and tell them you'll need space after such a major operation.

Penfold007 · 09/12/2015 08:28

Your PILS and BIL want to stay for a week or two when you have just had major surgery and have a new born! Are they coming from the other side of the world?

DH has to firmly manage their expectations, no decision will be made until after the birth, they are welcome for a very short visit and your parents have kindly offered to host them.

ThursdayLastWeek · 09/12/2015 08:30

YANBU

I don't think you even need to sugar the pill on this one. It's quite simply NO.

LovelyWeatherForDucks · 09/12/2015 08:36

A definite no. 14 days post c-section I was still sore, tired, wanted to stay in bed and cuddle my baby all day, and had my boobs out pretty much 24/7, either feeding or airing sore nipples, also trying to air my c section wound to help it heal. Not something I'd want an audience for!

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 09/12/2015 08:38

I had 2 CSs and no way was I up to having guests or even visitors! I had my MIL stay (for other reasons) and I am still resentful of that fact that she was around for over a month, 26 years later.

diddl · 09/12/2015 08:39

Ungrateful?

For not wanting visitors two weeks after major surgery??

If they won't accept being at your mum's then I think you just have to say no.

Even if they were the most wonderfully helpful people, they would still be there.

I didn't have a csection, but I justwanted peace & quiet to establish bfeeding, do stuff at my own pace & sleep whenever!

coconutpie · 09/12/2015 08:39

No way. No way. Just no! You will be recovering from major surgery and looking after a newborn. You do not need your in-laws crowding your space during that very delicate time. Time for your DH to step up and sort this out, he needs to have your back. If MIL throws a strop, tough shit. This is not about her. You and your baby come first now.

Also you need to set some boundaries now with visits as if they live 6 hours away, they may end of visiting you for hours on end every single day. Now is the time to tell them that they can visit when it suits you and not stay all day.

diddl · 09/12/2015 08:41

Oh & stay for a week or two?

Three adults?

Hahahahaha!

I would say two nights at the most!

trilbydoll · 09/12/2015 08:41

2 weeks post op is better than 2 days. That's when my DH went back to work - I could manage but was still in pjs and wasn't doing any housework at all.

I suggest you make a big song and dance about how welcome they are to stay with your parents. They can come round all day if they're helpful, but at least you'll have somewhere to send them if they're not!

"It'll be so lovely to see you but I would be so stressed out at the thought of the baby disturbing you during the night, I know you wouldn't mind, but I can't help worrying. If you stay with Mum you can still spend loads of time here but I'll know you're being fed properly and sleeping well. The last thing we need is me getting all worked up and overdoing it after such major surgery "

TwoDrifters · 09/12/2015 08:43

pickleandflux Is there a compromise where they could come and visit you and baby at the hospital for two consecutive days and stay the night in your home whilst you are not there? I am only asking because I too have a breech baby (and am just starting to get my head around the fact that my lovely dimly-lit water birth plans may well be out the window!) and have been told that there's a minimum 48-hour stay in the hospital after a c-section so could you get the visits out of the way without even actually having to be there with them?! Leaving you to return home to the bliss of an empty house just for you little family to bond in

TwoDrifters · 09/12/2015 08:46

*just for YOUR little family to bond in

abbieanders · 09/12/2015 08:46

You won't be nearly well enough for that kind of visit. Neither physically nor emotionally. You probably won't realise it until six months, but you won't be up to many things for quite a while.

Definitely set expectations now and take it much easier even than you feel like.

1frenchfoodie · 09/12/2015 08:48

A week or two! Do they live in another country? I think your compromise that they stay with your parents is perfect and you should stand your ground.

On the plus side how nice to have 4 grandparents keen to meet baby. My DH and I have only one between us . She (my mum) will be 90mins away and plans to visit for odd days but no overnights in first few weeks unless we ask.

mix56 · 09/12/2015 08:52

I was doing the school run with my oldest 6 days after my C section. plus cooking & basically back to running the home. No one else was going to do it.
I expect they think they can help you, they can cook, shop, rock the baby, take it out briefly while you rest. (Invaluable)
However I think you must say that you cannot commit to them coming, until after the baby is born & you have bonded, & settled in, & found your feet.
You will be in contact at that time..... (they can come for 3 days, after 3 weeks after, & stay with yr parents.!)

Penfold007 · 09/12/2015 08:53

CS is the only major abdominal surgery where you get zero recovery time. You have to cope with a new born, pain, bleeding and (if you choose) establish breast feeding as well as cope with sleep deprivation.

Six hour drive or not this is the time for a flying visit not an extended stay.

Shonajay · 09/12/2015 08:56

Are they planning it for when do goes back to work- you obv have to say a firm NO to them staying with you, but they'll be as excited as your mum and dad. I'd insist on them staying there, and arrange visits as and when suits- the grandparents can get to know each other, maybe they can help with washing and cooking for a short time each day.

It is abdominal surgery, so you will be grateful of some help- though I may be biased, Dhs parents lived an hour away and never bothered to offer to help, and my parents aren't alive. Also establish a rule when you're in your bedroom nobody must come in apart from HD and your mum if you choose, that way no worries about nipple airing. I hope it goes wonderfully for you, and it turns out to be a surprising help x

LumpySpaceCow · 09/12/2015 09:04

A week or two I had a section last year for the same reason. Although I didn't feel too bad, I literally didn't do anything for a good few weeks apart from feed baby, eat and watch box sets. I would not want to host any overnight guests, especially for so long.
I think them staying at your mum's is a good compromise. However, I would still let them know that you don't know how you're going to feel and definite arrangements need to be made nearer the time.
Are they planning to take over the domestic responsibilities to help you and your dh? Do you have a big house so you can have privacy?
I just know that with my first, especially breastfeeding I felt uncomfortable in front of visitors and wouldn't have wanted someone there all the time.

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reni2 · 09/12/2015 09:05

You might find you'll be glad for them to come and help, mine turned up, cleaned, cooked, tidied, shopped, played with the older child and basically made sure all we had to do is look after baby and bond. Even looking after baby they gladly helped as soon as I let them, nappy changes and baths. It was really helpful.

pickleandflux · 09/12/2015 09:07

Thanks all. I was really starting to feel like I was being precious about it. Even my mum said that it would probably be nice to have them around to help. She also said that if I need peace/space just to say that I need to rest & go up to my bedroom. But it's my house and if I want to rest on the sofa I should be able to I think. It has been left that we won't make any plans until after the baby arrives - I still think I will push for them to stay with my parents, and glad to hear others would do the same.

OP posts:

mupperoon · 09/12/2015 09:08

The fact that you are a private person is enough to say no!

2 weeks after my c-section my husband had to go out for an interview. He insisted that my elderly FIL came over to "help". What that meant was that I ended up making lunch (when all I wanted was a microwave ready meal and a ton of chocolate) and polite conversation, while having to get my ginormous unwieldy and very sore boobs out constantly. Needless to say FIL was no actual help at all.

Stick to your guns!

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