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To expect MIL to make the first move to reach out

(9 Posts)
realitybitescake Tue 08-Dec-15 20:32:40

Long story. In the past MIL used to say hello to everyone as they came to the door, except me should would ignore. Then during the visit she would be polite. I ignored it for a few years as I didn't really want to hug her hello either. After my BIL divorced and she lost her 'little friend' ,my ex SIL, and she began greeting me at the door again along with everyone else like a normal person. Fast forward a year later and she was angry my DH didn't make time to visit her. I explained he didn't make time for me either and the marriage was rocky (I don't know why I told her this, I guess I was trying to say it sucked for me, too). What happens? Apparently I should have been sucking up my DH bad behaviour (which included staying overnight at work and staying out with friends without answering his phone). So the next and last time I saw her she was blanking me again, said hello to everyone else but me. I exploded and she denied she had ever done any such thing. I heard later from BIL that she did admit to doing such passive aggressive things. Now I am in marriage counselling with DH. DH husband takes kids to visit MIL with out me due to my meltdown last time I saw her. MIL refuses to apologize which I think is unreasonable. Even if I don't like someone I still greet them in the street. I can't do that to people. I don't see why she should get to see my kids, that I get excluded from family events, when she is the one who should show some contrition for a change. My DH refuses to talk about it.

pluck Tue 08-Dec-15 20:49:12

Have you brought this up in counselling? It's really a marital problem, not a MIL problem, as it wouldn't affect you (or even, perhaps, happen) if your DH were onside.

realitybitescake Tue 08-Dec-15 20:57:01

I have brought it up. Marriage counsellor doesn't seem to want to add it to the list of things! Should I let it go and DH takes kids for visits and I don't exist with his family anymore. Probably getting divorced if counselling doesn't work. Maybe I am bothering for nothing.

Ragwort Tue 08-Dec-15 20:59:16

Why does your DH refuse to talk about it? As pluck says, this is a marriage problem not a MIL one. Perhaps you are just being too defensive about the whole situation? You don't like your MIL, she doesn't like you - DH takes the children to see her alone - what's the problem with that? Enjoy your time alone.

realitybitescake Tue 08-Dec-15 21:04:53

You might be right about that. I just feel like I am being excluded as the bad guy to the kids when ALL she has to do is say she was rude. It's like her social blanking of me worked. She got what she wanted.

realitybitescake Tue 08-Dec-15 21:06:57

I guess I don't really want to divorce but if it did happen this would be the case anyway -- not seeing his family again. But I was still trying to keep the marriage going. This isn't helping. I guess I sound really confused.

CatsRule Tue 08-Dec-15 21:26:37

Nobody who had such disrespect for me would get to see my child, especially without me!

My mil is a horror but thankfully my dh sees her for what she is, says and does so I don't need to raise it with him. Your dh is the problem and he needs to find a way of putting things right and letting his mother know that treating you like that is unacceptable.

I completely understand why you blew your top...I would have rightly or wrongly!

realitybitescake Tue 08-Dec-15 21:52:11

Thanks, Cats. I felt like I am being too sensitive. It just adds to reasons not to stay married, like we're already acting like divorced that way. My Dh has been unhappy with his mother in the past (related to a lack of support when our son was born disabled) but now that he doesn't see a need for us (me an MIL) to get along it really tells me he doesn't care. I guess that is the real problem.

PoppyAutumnScarlettRuby Tue 08-Dec-15 22:27:29

I second what Cats said.

My Mil is passive aggressive and disrespectful towards me and has a victim mentality. At first my husband would not want to get involved or try to placate her. Things are very different now and we do not have any contact with her.

I don't think you can make your MIL do anything and if she did it wouldn't be sincere. You don't need to get along, your DH needs to support you. This should definitely be discussed in counselling and if it isn't I would recommend finding another counsellor who can address the issue that has brought you there.

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