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How to deal with exP without BU

(18 Posts)
TaliZorah Tue 08-Dec-15 08:42:15

Following from my threads about ex being rather unpleasant, I did take DS to see him but told him in future he would have to come to me to see DS.

Well he took it as an opportunity to be abusive to me again. He was okay at first but kept harassing me asking me loads of questions about me that had nothing to do with DS. He also hugged me inappropriately that I didn't reciprocate (as in a long hug where he put his face in my boobs while I pushed him off). After a few hours I said "can you just leave me alone? I'm tired, it's a long journey I just want to get back soon." He had also woke up DS who was sleeping! He screamed "OH? Leave you alone?! I see how it is" and stormed off. I got my stuff, was taking DS to the car when he came down and leaned against the wall and stared me down looking like a moody teenager. I tried to be nice and said "look it's nothing personal, I'm tired DS is tired" and he said "well I'm sorry my house isn't good enough for you". I got annoyed and told him to pack in it and got shouted at saying "PACK WHAT IN? It's all about you isn't it? No one cares that I'm upset. That you have upset me. You're horrible" at this point I told him to fuck off and he ran after me as I was putting DS in the car shouting abuse.

How do I deal with this? I don't want to restrict access but every time I see him he is abusive. I'm not prepared to let him see DS without me there as he's irresponsible but I don't see why o should be subject to his twattery

WickedWax Tue 08-Dec-15 08:45:04

I don't know the backstory but given what you've written I'd be inclined to insist that contact takes place either supervised in a contact centre, or at least with another adult present with you and your DS.

Sparkletastic Tue 08-Dec-15 08:45:17

Neutral party (family member or contact centre) to host contact? Is he genuinely interested in being a father to DS or just he just want to harass you? If latter then leave contact arrangements at an appropriate venue up to him to make - chances are he won't bother. He sounds like an immature tool.

TaliZorah Tue 08-Dec-15 08:46:11

wicked it was in his parents house as his place is a shared students house which I insist on not letting DS go in. He always tries to get me alone though.

TaliZorah Tue 08-Dec-15 08:48:03

Sparkle I suspect just to harass me. He literally poses for some photos with DS then gives him back to me. Pays no maintenance and ignores DS most of the time except when he's off uni (he's a student) and then expects me to drop everything for him

Sparkletastic Tue 08-Dec-15 08:50:21

Stop facilitating contact in that case. He is playing daddy without any real input just to get at you. I suspect you and DS will do just fine without him.

TaliZorah Tue 08-Dec-15 08:56:50

sparkle I don't want DS to ever say to me "you stopped me seeing my dad" though, which is why I'm loathe to stop contact

hesterton Tue 08-Dec-15 09:01:10

But you're not stopping him, you're simply letting him take responsibility to facilitate his access to your ds. You have no obligation to do all the running AND accept the abuse.

TaliZorah Tue 08-Dec-15 09:03:22

hesterton I've told him in future he has to come to my house to see DS, I refuse to travel 6 hours to get abuse.

But he is the same at my house, he was like this the whole relationship. I'm thinking I'll have a friend/family member with me at all times to ensure he can't get me alone

Birdsgottafly Tue 08-Dec-15 09:30:54

You need to cut contact until DS is older and your exs living arrangements have improved.

This is of no benefit to your DS and it will be having an effect on you, even if you aren't aware of it yet.

You had no need to minimise what your ex was doing and still be polite, which makes my think that you are still in the cycle of abuse.

TaliZorah Tue 08-Dec-15 09:36:31

Birds he is manipulative and makes you feel that you're in the wrong. If it wasn't for DS I would have just stopped talking to him

Sparkletastic Tue 08-Dec-15 10:11:04

So Tali if you reflect on his behaviour and actions do you really think he is going to be a good father? Don't prevent contact but don't facilitate it. Think long and hard before allowing him into your home. Contact centre and him making all the arrangements is surely worth a go?

TaliZorah Tue 08-Dec-15 10:14:18

Sparkle I don't think he's a particularly good dad. I'm liking the contact centre idea tbh. The reason I've done it at my house before is because I feel safe there but I also don't like him in it so there's that.

He is okay at TIMES but most of the time he just quizzes me about stuff and insults me. My mum suggested she would have DS when he is seeing him and not telling him I'll not be there and see how quickly he gets bored when he realises

Sparkletastic Tue 08-Dec-15 10:20:04

Very quickly I bet.... Does he have some idea that his twattish behaviour will earn your undying love?

TaliZorah Tue 08-Dec-15 10:35:41

Sparkle He does seem to think so. He's said before that "you left me so it's your fault" when I said he was being selfish. He's very bitter, but to be honest he is a moody person anyway

Wolpertinger Tue 08-Dec-15 11:08:02

Your mum's suggestion that she goes is great - I'm assuming DS is a baby so you or she needs to be around? plus you wouldn't really want to leave baby on their own with this useless lump

Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child. At the moment the main benefit of it seems to be that your ex takes some pics where he looks like doting hard done by dad, gets into your house and pretends he's still in a relationship with you.

If the contact was purely with DS, not in your house, and with your mum there as supervisor, he'd soon get fed up of it as he'd actually have to be a dad during contact (especially if your mum made him change nappies), not an abusive man who is just getting off on winding you up.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 08-Dec-15 11:19:52

"sparkle I don't want DS to ever say to me "you stopped me seeing my dad" though, which is why I'm loathe to stop contact"

Have you considered the alternative, which is your DS saying to you 'why didn't you protect me from him, his obvious disinterest destroyed my self-esteem'?

TaliZorah Tue 08-Dec-15 11:25:07

At the moment the main benefit of it seems to be that your ex takes some pics where he looks like doting hard done by dad, gets into your house and pretends he's still in a relationship with you.

That's exactly what it's like lol. He even started distracting DS during a feed (bottle refusing reflux milk allergy, so feeding is hard) because "you haven't let me say hello to him yet!"

As for the second part somewhat. I don't want exPs issues to affect DS which is why I don't let him see him alone.

DS is 4 months

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