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To exclude XH from our DC's birthday parties?

(52 Posts)
MohFoh Mon 07-Dec-15 18:06:57

We've been separated for almost three years now. He was always fairly useless when it came to the DC and has stepped up considerably since we left. However, he still falls way short of the mark and quite frankly, I'm sick of picking up the slack and the vast majority of the responsibility towards the dc falls to me.

This is exactly the case when it comes to their birthday parties. I have to do all the arrangements and usually pay for the whole thing too (he always agrees to pay half but has only done this twice and not paid the full half on a third ocassion. He still owes me £100's for his half of parties and presents for the last few years). He always invites his family and their dc even though some of them are too old for a very young child's party. What irritates me the most though is that he will invite my exSIL (his brother's wife) whom I absolutely detest. She has been absolutely vile to me in the past and I resent the fact that I can't enjoy my DC's parties (that I organise and pay for usually) because having her there glaring and judging me puts me on edge. It's not necessary for her to be there as her husband comes as well and afaiks she sits there chatting and not actually looking after her very young children. Despite this, my XH absolutely refuses to allow my new partner and his son to come to the parties even though these two people are important and involved in our DC's lives. He doesn't have a valid reason for this, it's just because he hates my DP despite having never met him (XH refuses).

The last party was the final straw. XH did precisely zero to help out and sat at the back drinking with his family at 10.30am. I was so flustered trying to do everything like get the food out etc. even the entertainer and other parents offered to help me. It just feels like a slap in the face to have him enjoying this time with our DCs when he puts in no effort whatsoever. I personally think it's so he can show himself off as a great dad. He often invites his friends with children that my dc don't see or play with. It's all for their benefit I believe. He also still owes me money from this party too. In contrast, my DP stayed up with me making sandwiches the evening before and ran to Tesco at past midnight to pick up more icing for the cake. All this for a party he can't come to.

I would rather have DP there supporting me and helping at future parties so WIBU to just do my own thing and not tell XH about the arrangements so he can't come or invite his horrible family?

Tiggeryoubastard Mon 07-Dec-15 18:10:02

Why the fuck are you letting him dictate who you invite to something you are paying for? Absolutely put your foot down. Tell him he needs to do his own party for his own family.

lighteningirl Mon 07-Dec-15 18:10:44

I read your title and prepared to say yes but having read your whole post dear God no let him organize and pay and entertain his own family OR he not only meets but is nice to your dp and children. Either you are a blended family or he hosts his own do for dc and his family.

Chillyegg Mon 07-Dec-15 18:11:55

Hmm mm I see your point your ex does sound like a massive thunder knob but won't your kid be sad not to have their dad at their parties?
How long have you been with your partner? Could you not do 2? Ie daddy organises one and you have your own?

ProbablyMe Mon 07-Dec-15 18:12:16

He can't tell you who you can and can't invite!! Tell him to sod off and arrange his own, separate party or shut up and grow up.

ProbablyMe Mon 07-Dec-15 18:12:35

Him to shut up btw, OP, not you!!

Chillyegg Mon 07-Dec-15 18:12:41

I can't believe I just wrote daddy boak....

drinkyourmilk Mon 07-Dec-15 18:13:54

YANBU. However you need to be prepared for DC asking for daddy.
Any chance you can give him a last minute invite?

Topseyt Mon 07-Dec-15 18:15:58

If you are paying for it and organising it then you invite people you and your children want to invite.

Tell him that. His input is next to nothing so he doesn't get to dictate anything.

BlissfullyUnknown Mon 07-Dec-15 18:19:31

You would be.perfectly reasonable to not have him there. If you think DC would be upset l don't ask him to co-host even though he's been useless and could hardly count what he's done up until now as co-host. Invite him but make it clear it's a single invite for him, no SIL no friends and that your partner will in no uncertain terms be in attendance.

ImtheChristmasCarcass Mon 07-Dec-15 18:20:02

Definitely NOT unreasonable. Something tells me this will be a unanimous YANBU!! What an arse.

Depending on the ages of your children, maybe it's time to step away from the huge family 'do' and start just having a few of the child's friends over to celebrate.

When you say you'd rather have DP there supporting you, are you saying that you do all this work, and your DP isn't welcome? (I don't mean by you, I just mean that he doesn't attend them for some reason)

tryandtryagain Mon 07-Dec-15 18:25:40

Don't be a doormat for this twat. If he wants to invite people that dislike you to a party he should pay for his own party, and there is no way I'd keep my partner away when he acts like the entitled tosser he sounds.

beelover Mon 07-Dec-15 18:26:08

Another YANBU here too. You organise and pay for the parties so you get to decide who is invited.

beelover Mon 07-Dec-15 18:26:09

Another YANBU here too. You organise and pay for the parties so you get to decide who is invited.

MohFoh Mon 07-Dec-15 18:27:47

Thanks for the replies everyone. I always feel the need to check these things because XH can be very bolshy when it comes to what he perceives as his 'entitlement' re the DCs. He emotionally abused me during our 13 year marriage and very often I feel myself falling into old habits with him and letting him do as he pleases. I am getting better at standing up to him though.

For the PP that asked, I have been with new DP nearly 2 years. If I were to tell XH that DP would be there, he would be furious. So DP has stayed away so far so as not to stir up trouble but I know it must feel crap for him, especially on his dc who would have liked to have come.

I'm not sure if the DC would be upset about his absence or not. They go through phases alternately of liking him and enjoying seeing him and not wanting to go. The latest party, dc actually cried because her dad was going to be there although that could have been because she was nervous about the party anyway but really enjoyed it on the day). I could tell XH to make his own plans but I know he won't bother and it will cause massive arguments before hand which is why I wantedto double check that I am within my rights not to invite him anymore.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 07-Dec-15 18:28:14

Jesus God. Tell him to fuck the fuck off. First of all, when most people get divorced, they meet only for weddings, christenings and funerals. Or things like parents' evenings/graduations etc. Everything else the kid gets two of. Two Christmasses, two birthdays etc.

Secondly, how dare he say your partner can't come?

Thirdly, what's he doing drinking at a kid's party at 10.30 in the morning? No. This stops now. From now on, have your own party for your kids and tell him to do his own/take the kids out for a treat when he's got them.

Hissy Mon 07-Dec-15 18:33:34

Just do your own thing! Let him sort out his own end of the deal.

If you pay, you invite whoever the hell you like.

MohFoh Mon 07-Dec-15 18:33:50

ChristmasCarcass, the DC are 5 and 7. For the last few years we've invited class friends and preschool friends but also cousins too. As my youngest has just started school and her class is very big, I didn't invite my family to this one. They're all getting a little old now for a 5 year old's party but XH invited all the cousins on his side, a couple of whom are teenagers hmm.

And yes, XH specifically tells me (and the dc) that DP and his son are not welcome. It actually puts the DC in an awkward position as they would like DP's son to come as well as DP but tell him he can't because daddy doesn't like him.

mintoil Mon 07-Dec-15 18:36:27

I don't understand this at all. Surely you organise the party and invite who the hell you like. XH can make his own arrangements for celebrating DC birthday. I never did anything like this and none of my divorced/separated friends did either.

Brioche201 Mon 07-Dec-15 18:43:09

It is not really about what a useless arse he is and whether YOU want him there- it is all about your DS and what he wants on his Bday, surely?

SquinkiesRule Mon 07-Dec-15 18:45:31

YANBU. Don't even tell him your party plans they are none of his business, if he wants to be at their party he can arrange his own and invite who he likes.
My Dad never came to mine after the split. He only managed to arrange one party for me and his Mum pretty much did it and he just turned up. That was the last one, she was always welcome to our house for parties.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 07-Dec-15 18:45:54

He is not entitled to anything in these situations. Your parties are your business - and your kids' business. Even at 3 or 4 most kids' parties don't include all their relatives! He really sounds like he's still calling the shots. For your sake, your kids' sake, your DP and his kids' sake - stop inviting your XH. Stop telling him about the parties or asking for money from him. I realise that if he was genuinely co-hosting he ought to pay half, but you don't want him co-hosting or even there.

I'd tell him to get tae feck. I'd suggest arranging and paying for the parties yourself so he has absolutely no influence over them. If you were feeling very charitable you could then extend an invite to him if the children wanted you to, but very clearly as "we're (as in DP and you) holding a birthday party for DC. You may attend if you wish"

Fratelli Mon 07-Dec-15 18:55:37

Tell him to organise his own party. If he actually does it the kids get 2 parties! If he doesn't it's him who misses out as they'll have a great time with you.

1frenchfoodie Mon 07-Dec-15 18:58:00

You orgAnise the party = you get to decide who to invite. Your DP is a part of your DCs lives so he gets to be there. If it makes XH uncomfortable he can suck it up.

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