Visitors and new baby

[Greyhorses]

Wondering if I am bu after an argument with my mum this afternoon.

Bit of background but she can be very pushy at the best of times and hates my dad and his family (divorced years ago!) She has already said its her grandchild and she wants to see it first which I find very annoying.

Anyway were discussing what happens after I have the baby next year. I had mentioned in passing I don't want visitors other than very immediate family for the first few days and only by arrangement. By this I mean mum,dad,mil and fil. Nobody else.

I also stated I would also rather go to visit people such as my grandparents/other family than they come to me when I am ready.
My reasons for this are that I have a very tiny cottage (more than 3 people in the living room is a squeeze!!) and two very stranger wary massive dogs, both of which will be scared of lots of people in our house who they don't know. They are in no way aggressive but will bark and get excited when people come and I don't need 70kg of dog leaping around the house with a new baby. They are not used to visitors bar immediate family and friends.

Obviously the dogs won't be in the same room as the baby without me being there but both get very anxious with strangers in the house and I don't want them stressed around the new baby. I want it to be a positive experience (must add they are great with children but won't be alone with it regardless so please no comments about baby eating dogs!)
DP and I have already had advice from a behaviouralist re the dogs who suggested limited people so as not to cause too much upheaval and has given us some things to make the transition easier, all based on making things as normal as they possibly can be with a screaming baby environment. People coming and going won't help with the stress levels as I hate it when I haven't just given birth.

Also if I visit them I can leave when i want. They are the type of family that will be here hours and have an opinion on everything.
My mums side of the family is very interfering and I hate people in my home at the best of times never mind when I am potentially bleeding,in pain and who knows what else.
My mum is also angry that my dad may see the baby before her and her parents. I would have to make sure they came at different times which is an added stress. She is determined to visit at the hospital and will no doubt bring grandparents which will mean my dad can't visit as he won't want to cause an atmosphere

I have said no but she got very upset and refused to discuss it any more and said i am being unfair to her and her parents not letting them see the baby once it's born. She has said I am treating them like outsiders not immediate family.

I am under the impression if I tell them not to come they will come anyway. She has said as such but not directly to me. I can see them ringing the doorbell as soon as I get home

Am I being too precious here? I am aware may come across as putting the dogs over humans but they live here and humans don't. I am just trying to make everything smooth and easy for myself selfishly. I thought about pulling the dog trainer said no visitors card but I doubt they would listen to this.

How can I make it any more clear that I don't want visitors without causing a huge family fall out?

[TimeToMuskUp]

I'd be very direct and explain to all of them via a gentle email or text that whilst you love their enthusiasm for your new arrival that you'll need a few days/weeks to settle in and find your own routine before having guests, and that you'll let them know when you're ready.

My family are a bit full-on and descend in droves whenever babies arrive (huge family, constant stream of babies), but we are also the sort of family who'll throw in a load of laundry, switch on the kettle and take the dog for a walk when we visit new babies so we sort of make life easier rather than harder. For families who aren't like that I think I'd be very definite that you just won't be having guests for a set amount of time. People get over stuff eventually; your health, happiness and peace of mind are the only things which matter after having a baby. Put yourself first.

[SpanglesGalloway]

Don't tell them the baby has arrived until you are home and settled. Or be firm and say 'I will call you when I am ready to have visitors this is my wish please do not go against this' if they turn up at the door dh asks them kindly to come back when you've had a chance to call them because your sleeping/feeling/not up for visitors.

Your family are being unreasonable putting you in a difficult situation. I can relate though I'm 34 weeks pregnancy and majority of my close family are 300miles away apart from DM and DD and they want ti come and stay for a month when baby is born. Fine I said stay with my mother and you can stop by and do my housework and go food shopping etc I'm being firm they will not be here holding the baby while I hoover. Maybe you could use them to your advantage too? Come round in first few days but please walk dogs and or hoover and please leave when I say I'm tired.? Congratulations on impending baby

[lilwelshyrs]

No, youre not being precious at all. My DS is 4 weeks old. We had visitors early on when we got back from hospital and it was too much. MIL and FIL were too much for me to handle and so DS and i retired to our room for a sleep. I ended up overdoing it and was shaking annd shivering... I think that it was just utter exhaustion! DH was a bit rubbish at getting them to leave and they were oblivious to how exhausted i was! I had a c section barely a week ago and a long stay in hospital... The first week is exhausting!!
Be firm - get your DP to back you up. He needs to put your needs first and help be your voice. You can always walk away - most people understand how tough the first few weeks are!

[Oysterbabe]

Just don't tell them the baby has arrived until a day or two after?
I'm facing similar issues when my pfb arrives in Jan. Mother determined to come over the second labour starts. That isn't going to happen.

[Strangertides1]

That does sounds very full on. If I was in that situation I won't tell anybody I'd gone into labour or given birth until I was back home and settled. Simply say to your mum 'if you can't respect my wishes regarding no hospital visitors or the visitors at home then I will be forced to: A; not inform you when am in labour and B: turn people away at my front door'. I would also suggest incorporating in your hospital birth plan 'no family is allowed to visit the labour or maternity ward' and make sure you tell the attending mw. X

[MatildaTheCat]

Your baby, your choice. It sounds very well considered. Your DM is being a tad OTT but obviously looking forward to being a new granny. Just reiterate gently that you will be letting people know when you are able to visit/ receive visitors. A round robin email would be fine.

After the birth,of course it is up to you when you tell anyone. If you need a day of calm then have it. Remind your mum she will have a whole lifetime of cuddles ahead.

[Greyhorses]

Thank you everyone.

I wish they could be useful but they will proberbly sit around telling me what to do. They are also very scared of dogs and will force me to shove them out and listen to them whine or sit complaining about dog hair/dog touching them etc etc.

My lovely dad also won't come until they have gone (part of the reason they divorced was her family's pushiness) and so he won't get to meet his grandchild until it is safe to visit.

I wish they would listen to what I want and not argue!

[megletthesecond]

Yanbu. Pull the dog trainer card if you have to.

Tell them you won't have visitors for a week or two. Believe me, the awkwardness you may feel doing that will be nothing compared to the horror of being invaded by guests if you don't

[mineallmine]

Wouldn't it be easier to let them all visit you in the hospital where there are defined visiting hours so there's no chance of them overstaying their welcome? That way, they'd all have seen the baby, ticked the box and then you can tell them that you'll let them know when you're up for visiting.

And regarding who sees the baby first, honestly it doesn't matter in the slightest, it really doesn't. It's your mum making a big deal out of that in a very childish way but how on earth is that important?

[Greyhorses]

I have no idea how seeing the baby first is important I think it's a dig at the other side of the family!

How long is visiting hours in hospital and how many people can go?
For example I would have mil/fil then my mum then my dad and his partner seperately. Oh and then no doubt sister and sister in law. None of which want to be there at the same time as anyone else as they hate eachother. Can I fit this all in during hospital visiting?
They would not put differences aside and sit nicely together

[Readyforthefuture]

You must do what works for you and DH (and baby). I completely agree with stranger, give her the opportunity to be reasonable given the alternatives and see what she says. You also don't need to justify your decision to this extent, everyone is different and reacts differently to one of the biggest things you will go through physically. If you want time, space, small groups, immediate family, your dogs you get to decide that for yourself!

I would also suggest that getting in early with 'appointments' for visiting on a timetable that works for you might be worthwhile. Then you can spread people out ensuring you get rest, it also sends a clear message that you do not expect them to turn up earlier than that. You could do this afterwards when you know how you feel.

Good luck

[SweetAdeline]

I think visiting hours might be perfect for keeping everyone separate and not having to actually host anyone. Normally the times are quite restricted and you are only allowed two visitors at a time so you have an excuse to be quite strict about who visits when.

Of course you might not be in for very long but if you are you could at least get some visitors out of the way. Give everyone a bit of a mission (ask them to bring something specific like size 1 nappies/some nice food/toothpaste etc) so they feel important.

Then once you are home you can rest for a bit because they'll have had that all important first look at the baby .

(Can you tell both DH and I have parents who can't be in the same room as each other?)

[EponasWildDaughter]

You may only be in hospital a matter of hours if all goes smoothly and if you stay on the labor ward all that time they wont let anyone in except your birth partner anyway. IME.

I'd delay the announcement until you're home and are rested. And ready.

Any fuss about not being told earlier will be whistling in the wind as it'll be too late and will all die down once she sees the lovely baby.

Do it your way OP. Your baby, your life.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Reading what kind of person your mother seems to be it is OBVIOUS why it is important to her that she sees the baby first. She thinks she is better than your father and his family.

Don't tell them due date exactly, definitely don't tell them you've gone into labour and ignore the door until you are ready.

She is bullying you. Think about why you are letting her. Presumably you're over 18. Time to act it.

I know it's hard but it isn't harder than the shit you're getting now.

Good luck with the baby.

And let your dad meet them first....

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

I am just trying to make everything smooth and easy for myself selfishly

It's not selfish, it is completely unreasonable that you are having to negotiate around a bunch of overgrown babies family feelings to avoid them having arguments in your house and bossing you around. I agree with all those saying don't tell them. That's your power; don't give it up. In fact I would be tempted simply to turn up for a visit and that can be how they find out.
good luck.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

It is your labour and your family. Don't be guilt tripped into anything that will spoil those precious first few days. If your mother is going to make a pain of herself, then you are quite within your rights simply not to tell her the baby is on the way or here, until you are ready to see her.

She should not be using her grandchild to try to score points against your dad. Her concern should be love for you and the baby and your wellbeing, not trying to get one over on her ex. What a horrible approach.

You will have enough to deal with. Your priority is your family, and by extension, yourself. Do not let anyone guilt trip you.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

Oh and invent a weigh-in clinic / breastfeeding checkup/ other bullshit reason why you need to leave the house, if they do manage to impose themselves. Then you can tell them it's lovely to see them but what a shame you have to leave in half an hour to go to this appointment.

[rollonthesummer]

I would tell her that if she carries on being unreasonable she runs the risk of you not wanting to even tell her the baby is born!

[frillybiscuits]

Don't feel bad to speak up about what you want to do. It's your time, no one else's. You need to do only what you feel comfortable with. I've already made it very clear that I will not accept visitors/visit anyone until I want to. Especially at the hospital, no one will be with me apart from OH and people will be informed once we are home that our daughter is here and may get a picture or two. Good luck and don't let anyone pressure you into doing what they want when you're vulnerable

[Greyhorses]

I am 25 and have lived away from my family since I was 16...can't think why.

I am not so much bothered about her but she is so so annoyed I am not putting my grandparents who I rarely see over my own father. She thinks they should meet the baby first as my father is 'useless' and my grandparents should be there. I don't agree but the arguments it is causing is unbelievable and it's months away! My mother is also furious that my stepmother is going to be involved.

Then we have DPs family who are lovely and happy to do whatever suits.

What a mess of a family I have, poor baby.

[EponasWildDaughter]

I would, really honestly OP, tell your mother clearly and calmly that if she keeps on about this then she WILL be the last one you tell.

Because it is stressing you out.

End of conversation.

And mean it.

[EponasWildDaughter]

The last one you tell when the baby is born i mean.

[ClancyMoped]

I don't understand why people get into discussions about this sort of thing. I wouldn't mention anything other than you will work out what you want to do when the time comes. All this angst'ing about it just makes it a bigger issue.

You don't know how you will feel when the baby comes. You might want to stay home (maybe your DH could walk the dogs when your family come) or you might want to go out. I think it's better to wait and see.

My DCs are at Uni now and I haven't a clue who got to see them first.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

God, she's one of those people who thinks a new baby is all about her. You'll have to let her know, clearly, that it isn't. It's about the baby and your family.

And how can she be angry that your stepmother will be involved? Is the baby's grandfather supposed to leave his wife behind every time he comes to see you and your family?

She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you will be acting in the best interests of baby and your family, and not her own petty spitefulness towards your dad and his wife.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Eponas is right. Simply tell your mother that you will be doing what is right for your family and don't discuss it with her...just tell her. If she tries to get you to engage any further on the matter, tell her it's not up for discussion and you'll tell her what she needs to know, when she needs to know, and that you won't continue the conversation any further if she doesn't drop it. Then, if she doesn't drop it...goodbye. You don't need this shit.